Daisies

I already have memorized everything about you, but I still can’t look away. The way you move, the inflection of your voice, hair that curls wildly in unison with your spirit. And that dress. I can’t keep it in.

“I love that red dress on you.”

You glance up at me with a bashful smile. Your eyes are so familiar, like a childhood song that you can’t quite remember the name to, but the melody gets trapped in your mental cage, circling around until it makes a nest in the corner of your mind.

“I know you like this dress.”

I can’t resist the up curve of my mouth as I try to match your confidence.

“Oh, so you are wearing it for my sake then?”

You pick up the black leather menu and theatrically dip behind it to hide your blushing cheeks.

“I guess you’ll never know. Now hurry up and pick something before I decide for you.” You tilt the menu down to reveal a red-lipped mischievous grin, “something with lots of cilantro.”

“You know I hate cilantro. You wouldn’t,” I tease. “Besides, I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t need to look at the menu. I always get the same thing when I come here.”

You set down the menu and gently fold your hands delicately before spouting sarcastically, “let me guess. Steak? Medium rare. Baked potato. Caesar salad. And of course, a glass of red wine. Can’t have a steak without it.”

You stare at me with such invasive cockiness I want to lean in and kiss the smirk off your face right here and now.

“You know me so well,” I wink. “And it’s merlot to be specific.”

You laugh involuntarily sends my hand to grasp yours, squeezing it a few times in rhythm to my beating chest. I stare in admiration before a black-and-white clothed man appears as if out of nowhere, already holding a bottle of red wine. You pause in shock.

“Wow. You weren't kidding about coming here a lot,” raising your eyebrows in surprise.

The man interrupts, “good evening, Charlie. I was surprised to see you get a table. You usually just sit at the bar.”

“Tonight I have a date.” I squeeze your hand even more.

“Lucky guy. Just your usual this evening? The 1992 vintage merlot?”

I nod to confirm. You look impressed. I always want to impress you. The server reaches forward to grab a wine glass from the table but I stop him before he can grab it.

“Oh don’t worry. You can just leave it on the table for us.”

He tips his head in rehearsed professionalism and mentions he will return later to take our order. I raise the bottle with poise, like Jay Gatsby at an expensive, indulgent party.

“Do you want a glass?”

You shake your head. “Maybe later. But you go ahead,”

I pour a few inches of red then raise it with a trembling wrist and cheers the air as if with an invisible wine glass.

“Hope you don’t mind if I have a few sips. I must admit, I am quite nervous.”

You take a deep breath, warmly soothing my doubt, "don’t worry, Charlie. It’s normal to be nervous for a first date.” I sip, then offer a stained smile. You continue, “so what kind of first date questions do you ask?”

You flick your ringletted hair off your shoulder, making me disintegrate.

“What do you mean?” I put my merlot on the white tablecloth, my nerves tempting me to spill just to spite the bleached fabric canvas.

“You know. Like your go-to date questions.”

“You want me to just tell them to you now?”

Your eyes dance. “Might as well. Jump right in, right?”

I swallow my breath. “Okay. Do you have any siblings?”

“Oh, that’s a good one.”

“And - uh - do you like your job?”

“Keep going.”

I laugh before taunting, “If you were a good date, you’d answer my questions. Or ask me something back”

You seem pleased with yourself. “Oh, I see how it is. Well since I already know you like your job, as I am your secretary, and I have met your only sister when she brings her cat to the clinic, I might as well ask you a question.”

The server interrupts with a basket of steaming bread with oil and vinegar to soak the edges in. I tell him we need more time to decide before he even asks about our order.

He walks away as you ask, “okay, I have a good first date question - where do you see yourself in five years?”

I sit in silence. Discomfort incircles me. I’m not good at answering questions like that. It seems too real, too serious, too daunting.

“I don’t know.”

You poke my arm with a smirk. “Come on, Charlie. Really think about it."

I inhale so deeply I could almost smell a hint of the floral perfume you wear. “Okay - um - I want to expand my veterinarian clinic. Maybe upgrade my condo to a house at some point.”

You gently nudge, blinking waves into your ocean eye.

“And what about love?”

“What about love?” I divert.

“Can you see yourself with someone? Maybe starting a family?”

I sit in silence before insecurely questioning, “would you want that?”

“I think you’d be a great father. And I know you’d be a great husband.”

My voice sinks even though the words you offer make me burn with excitement. “I know. I just don’t know. I can’t really imagine it.”

You meet my drooped eyes and pull my gaze back to your beaming face.

“I can.”

“Really?”

You nod. “Really. I see a white house with a big porch. I see kids and a dog. A golden retriever like you’ve wanted for a while but keep putting off because you say you work too much. And a big garage where you can build things.”

I laugh into my wine glass, fogging the windows, “I make you a jewelry box for a gift once and you think I am the Michelangelo of wood.”

“You are better than you think," you pause, "I also see a projector on the wall to watch movies. And pancakes on Sundays. And a vase full of daisies.”

I choke through a swallow, forming a single red bubble before grabbing a napkin to pat my lips dry.

“No, I don’t think I will have daisies.”

Your eyes soften with grace.

“Charlie, you can still have daisies.”

I look away like a child before a tantrum.

“I don’t want to have daisies.”

“You have to.”

“Why?” I tersely spit.

“Or else you'll stay here for another five years.”

You are annoyed. I hate when you are annoyed. Especially if it is my doing.

“What do you mean?”

I still can’t look at you without crumbling.

“You will be at this same restaurant eating steak at the bar and drinking an entire bottle of merlot.”

I jab, “all because I won't have a vase of daisies?”

“No, because you won’t move on. You’ll still be here, going to our favorite restaurant, and I will wear the same red dress from our anniversary, we will talk and laugh through our memories until you are drunk and the manager calls you a cab. And you'll drive to the empty condo - alone."

Silence.

My throat catches, “I just miss you so much.”

“I miss you too. But I’ve been gone for five years now. It’s time to let me rest. Plus, I am pretty tired of this restaurant - you think you’d take me somewhere new for a change. Also, I really should wash this dress. ”

You always know how to make me smile through my tears.

“I would, but you only show up when I come here. There is so much of you scattered around this place. From our first date to every anniversary or promotion. Every birthday or whenever relatives were in town. This was our restaurant, and I can’t seem to find you anywhere else. Even the condo.”

“Why bring a date here then? Find a new first date place.”

“I don’t even want to go on this date. Josh put me up to it."

“Josh is your best friend.”

“You are my best friend.”

Your eyes are always kind. Even in brutal honesty or the heat of rage, they are somehow always kind.

“It’s time to find a new best friend. And maybe it could be this girl. I trust Josh’s judgment. He pretty much forced us to stop fantasizing about each other at work and made us go out with each other - even though you were my boss. So he can't be that bad at matchmaking.”

I laugh and spread my wet cheeks.

"Yeah, asking you to do filing in my office when I was essentially paying you to make out with me was pretty scandalous."

You reach for my hand and squeeze.

“So do everything you thought we’d do together. Get that house. And a dog. Name him Pesto like you always joked about. Build something out of wood, maybe even for a girl. Drink expensive merlot, even though it's pretentious and I am pretty sure you wouldn't know the difference between a fifteen-dollar bottle of wine."

You are so cheeky.

"And Charlie - buy her daisies. I’m not the only one who loves them.”

You lean in and kiss me on my forehead and I can almost feel you. The weight of eight years together pressing into my temple with the warmth of a memory. You were my first love. You were more than half of my twenties. You were a glass of merlot on our condo balcony. You were Roman Holiday projected across a ripped bedsheet on the wall. You were breakfast in bed with the scent of Sunday rain and burnt bacon. You were the toothpaste lid dropped on the floor for me to find. You were my wish into a well of copper pennies. You were the comfort and simplicity of watching reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. You were gumption and grace and kindness. You were a vase of fresh daisies. You were my everything.

“You are so easy to fall in love with. So let someone, Charlie.”

You start to back away, still holding my gaze in the crease of your smile. And for the first time in five years, I feel at peace watching you leave the restaurant. Even though it's not with me. Even though you maybe will never come back.

A soft voice breaks my view of the front door as it closes a chapter of my life.

“Are you Charlie?”

I acknowledge reality as my focus clears revealing the straight-haired woman in front of me. I break through the shock.

“Er— Charlie. Yes, Ch-charlie is my name. Yes, I’m Charlie.”

She giggles, “Charlie is your name. Sarah is my name.”

I laugh as I stand up to hug her. “Sorry, you just caught me off guard.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I am sorry I am a little late.”

"Not at all. Um - I got a bottle of merlot for the table. It is a good year, but I probably couldn't tell the difference honestly. But order any drink you want.”

She grins. “Oh, Merlot is perfect.” She starts to unbutton a long black dress-coat while I pull out her chair. “If I would have known this place was so fancy I would wear something more elegant than a sundress. But it is kind of a lucky dress so I thought I would risk it.”

"Well let's stay for a drink and then I want to take you somewhere else anyway."

"Wow, you really know how to impress a girl."

And as she took off her coat and gracefully inched her chair closer to the table, she smiled up at me in her lucky dress.

A blue dress with daisies.