Da Funk

Humans stink. If you have to spend time in an enclosed area with people who haven’t washed for four or five days in a row, you can confirm this statement for yourself. Maybe that’s why most other animals have a keener sense of smell than we do. They know where coming long before we reach their location because of our unpleasant odor. Hence the reason soap was invented. Also, soap is the reason Jason became the richest man on the planet.

Jason was only five when the Yellowstone Caldera exploded, triggering massive seismic shifts all around the planet. The continent of North America lost land on both coasts because of the various faults that sheared away from the main landmass. Europe and Asia suffered similar catastrophes, and global civilization devolved into a primitive existence. It wasn’t that the survivors didn’t remember the basic products like soap and toilet paper, they just didn’t have the technical skills to make them. Before the collapse, if you needed soap, you went to the store and bought some. Now the stores were gone.

Lack of personal hygiene A.K. A “Da Funk” became the new normal, as did personal distancing. The birth rate tumbled to an all-time low. Someone needed to reverse the curve, and that’s precisely what Jason did. Now in his early twenties, Jason had become quite adept at foraging through old buildings for useful items. During one such expedition, he was rummaging through a partially collapsed library when he literally stumbled over a book titled Pioneer Life. It was chocked full of useful information, including how to make soap.

Jason set to work gathering small amounts of animal fat, extracting Lye from charred wood using a process called leaching and distilled some water. He mixed these primary ingredients and added some pumice granules plus ground flower peddles to produce the first bar of soap in twenty years. He traded the bar for more raw materials, and his soap empire took flight.

Soap became a high-value barter currency and was given for other necessities, like tools or building materials. People actually socialized again. It was now considered proper etiquette and not an insult to offer a member of the opposite sex a bar of soap. As Jason’s soap empire grew, he used the book to diversify his product line by introducing the butter churn and the spinning wheel. Although his other products were popular, none of them ever surpassed the demand for soap.

Jason slowly resurfaced from a mind-numbing sleep with two thoughts racing through his head. The first was, what a strange dream. I wonder what caused me to think up a story like that? The second and more pressing thought was, what a nasty smell, a mixture of body odor and Aqua Velva the aftershave his father and grandfather used to use. Next, he heard his dresser draws scraping open and closed. Slowly, Jason opened his eyes just enough to see what was going on, but not wide enough to give away the fact that he was now fully awake.

An intruder, dressed in dirty, torn clothes and looking disheveled, was searching through his belongings for anything of value. Jason, having had enough of this invasion of his privacy, quickly reached into his nightstand’s top draw, removed a Taser that he kept there, and shot the man with fifty thousand volts. The burglar fell to the floor, twitching in pain.

Later, when the police arrived to take the thief away, one officer asked Jason what alerted him to the man’s presence. “Da Funk,” he replied. “Have you ever smelled anything as nasty as B.O. mixed with Aqua Velva?”

“He is ripe for sure,” replied the officer as he escorted his prisoner from Jason’s home. Later that night, while reflecting on recent events, Jason now understood what triggered his weird dream. Humans really stink.