Cuffing Me Up!

I watched a trailer for a new Netflix movie called "Holidate" in which a single workaholic woman is forcibly paired by her mother to a guy so she decides to find a stranger to be a date for the holidays.

In those scenes the protagonist feels the pressure of being hitched by someone in her life since she's the only one who doesn't have a relationship, she becomes very busy towards work and being "dedicated" in her career. How you ever feel that way? I honestly do. Over the years, I dream about falling in love properly with a man that I know I would spend the rest of my life with this person. But it didn't happen. It was a string of bad luck in relationships and bad dating experiences along with the ultimate betrayal which is meeting a con-man that I'm still not taken. My family who are very traditional specially my mother were asking: "When you're gonna have babies? Or did you find someone yet?" It has affected to the point that I have anxiety for years. But after my Step-dad passed away, the questions just simply stopped.

And even if I have all my things together, I feel like I'm still on a deserted island waiting for a plane to rescue me, but in the meantime, I have to deal with what the island has to offer. Meaning in real time, still there's no prospects that makes my life stop from months of inactivity and have to deal with what I have. Work, video games and a occasional visit to a restaurant.

And then the dreading cuffing season returns...

And every year is feels like a family desperately waiting for hours in the cold weather for the store doors to open on Black Friday which their goal is to get to the cheapest TV on sale at the middle of the hall. Singles are gathering to download these dating apps to find any one, any candidate to at least cuddle or to impress their own family they have someone. To at least, feel the excitement of meeting another human being to then after Christmas they choose to dump the bastard. Two years ago when I have a great time with a guy who was separated, he wasn't looking for a relationship and I, still naive, tried convince him that I was aiming for that. To then at the 26 of December, his change from good nice person to just simply an asshole was basically was that. He wanted me gone. So I left. Good riddance! Lesson learned.

In another scene of the trailer, the main's character's aunt, a single "spinster" is the wild person of the family. Unmarried, not experiencing motherhood or the blessings of having her own family and way past her prime decided to get a date for the holidays every year. A stranger to pretend that she have a boyfriend to show to her friends. Her sister was telling her daughter when she saw her sister having fun and being creative with her freedom while being herself, her mother was telling her daughter these frightening words:

"Don't be like your aunt having a date for the holidays, you're gonna end up alone in a wheelchair and a diaper."

I just lost it!

All my emotions rushed like a violent tidal wave. My fear became real. I'm single, with no one on my horizon. I work in a health care facility, in a nursing home and I see on the daily basis how these old frail individuals are dealing day by day. Some were single, never being married and it hurts my heart as no one, not even a friend can visit them to make them feel appreciated, to feel at least accepted. And they need help constantly even for the not so good parts. And it infuriates me and at the same time it scares the shit out of me, because I'm tired to avoid going for this route at any cost, but I'm in a period that I'm too tired to even try to change. Here's a lot of things I'm trying to:

• Losing weight.

• Cover my grays

• Dress feminine and youthful

• Cover my imperfections so that I don't look old

• Pray and wait

It seems no matter how much I try to change there's still no one ever have that interest to at least spend a simple conversation with me. Could be that:

• I'm too weird (Likes Video Games, Comic Books and Comic Conventions)

• I'm overweight

• Unmotivated and Messy (Because of Clinical Depression)

• Thoughts running out of control (Anxiety)

• Past Hurts and Bad Traumatic Experiences (PTSD)

• Infertile (POS)

• Black (But I'm Puerto Rican)

• I'm in now late 40's (In two months)

And I'm really not into the mood of having a temporary "relationship" for the fear that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life to then being alone after Christmas. I want a solid healthy relationship who accept these flaws above and cut to the chase and tie the knot. Simple as that. No games, no bullshit. No excuses, no lies and deceit because I dealt with that and it's not funny trying to stand up after a bad horrible "breakup." But who will take me?

This trailer sums everything stereotypical about the "curse" of singleness that it makes me frightened and question myself about my worth, specially when you're not in your 20's. So, it could be forcing me to go to the nearest sex shop because it's more frightening going to download a dating app to meet strangers that leaves after the holidays are over, than to have a consolation prize from the store. And no, I'm not going to watch the movie either.