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Coping With Heartbreak

by Kalu Faith 3 years ago in breakups

How to get over someone

The pain that comes with heartbreak is natural.

I should have seen it coming right from the second she said yes, but my emotions blinded me. One thing you must learn when it comes to love and relationships is never to beg someone to love you or date you. It is not something you beg for, it is something that is given to you, even when you don’t deserve it.

I felt she loved me because we made out, and I was wrong—better still I was foolish. So there, my journey down a terrible heartbreak began. I gave her all the affection, care, and support she needed, because that’s how you treat someone you love.

What did I get in return?

Crumbs of affection, I was like a dog who sought love from an uninterested owner.

I kept telling myself she loved me, I believed she did. So, I kept begging her to say yes, and every time I asked her why she liked me and refused to go into a relationship with me, she said she didn’t know. Well, I kept pushing it until this day when I asked her if she loved me, she said, “I don’t know.” Now that’s the biggest lie someone can ever tell you. That was the first sign, but still, I felt she did.

When you love someone, you will know immediately. How? If you’ve been in love and loved someone, you’ll understand.

Finally, my pleas were heard, and she agreed to be my girlfriend.

Then started my constant craving for attention and affection. One thing about emotions is when you give your all, you expect the same energy or at least 70 percent of the energy. I was getting like 10 percent of the energy. It was hard and frustrating, and I kept questioning myself if this girl really loved me.

As wise as I am, when it came to love and my emotions, I was a helpless fool.

When I said, “I love you” via chat, she replied with, “ILY” an abbreviation. If someone who loves you can’t even type the words fully, then what other evidence do you need? But you see, the problem is, I was constantly holding onto a fantasy.

In the long run, I slowly grew fed up with constantly hurting myself, and we ended it.

That’s my heartbreak story.

Realize and accept the situation

This is the first step, and the most difficult of them all. Realizing that they don’t love you and accepting it is difficult. You want to keep hoping that they do, or they will meanwhile they never did.

It isn’t your fault you don’t want to let go and open your eyes. Love is the most powerful emotion in the world, and it’s blinding. Often, when someone is in love, they always want to believe the best, even when the worst is obvious.

To realize and accept the situation ask yourself these questions

  • How are they showing their affection towards you?
  • Are they treating you the way you treat them?
  • Are you getting the same energy?
  • Do you seem like a burden towards them?
  • Am I constantly begging to be loved by someone whom I feel loves me?
  • Have they shown concern towards my emotions or my future?
  • Do they care that I’m constantly hurting?

Ask yourself these questions, and you’ll slowly realize that they don’t, and probably never did. When you realize this, don’t hope they will one day, rather accept it.

You can never force someone to love you. I learned this truth the hard way.

Tell yourself the truth

Telling ourselves the truth during a bad relationship, or after heartbreak is difficult. We tend to compensate ourselves with lies and more lies. We tell ourselves things like;

  • They’ll come around.
  • He/she loves me but doesn’t know how to show it.
  • They just need time to grow their affection.
  • I need to be patient enough.
  • It’s me who’s continuously disturbing them.
  • He/she loves me, I know even if they don’t tell me.

And all those other lies we tell ourselves to ease the hurt.

TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH!

In most cases, we actually know the truth, but false hope keeps us chained. Deep down, you know they don’t love you, so why do you keep having arguments with yourself that they do?

If you find yourself continually having arguments with yourself on your partner or ex’s feelings for you, then there’s a 99 percent chance they don’t. That’s enough to know, but we dwell on that one percent till it’s too late. Telling yourself the truth will hurt, but will help you move on. Tell yourself the truth, and do it more often till you finally understand and accept it.

Don’t be in a rush to get over it

Understand that it’s natural to feel hurt, to feel that piercing ache in your chest. Getting over a bad relationship is a process, and you should not be in haste to quickly get out of it.

It not bad to cry; in fact, crying is beneficial. After several times of crying you’ll notice you’re starting to feel better. Pain is part of any healing process, so it's not wrong to feel it at that moment.

Have it in mind that it won’t last forever, except you let it go on by dwelling on it.

Get busy

Idleness heightens the pain, and most heartbroken people don’t want to do anything, even when they have jobs. You feel reluctant to engage in any activity, which is natural and understandable, but this will only worsen the situation.

Doing nothing other than sulking and staying home all day will only allow you to think and focus on the pain. You begin to have regrets, blame yourself, get angry at yourself, and hurt yourself. The pain is natural and should be felt, it is part of the healing process. Yet, this doesn’t mean you should focus solely on that, and neglect your duties.

Get to work, get busy, and keep yourself occupied. Channel that energy into productive things. By doing this, you’ll hardly have time to think about those hurtful moments.

Of course, you’ll think of those moments, but it won’t be for long hours.

When you keeping focusing on your source of pain, you’ll only keep hurting yourself more. Therefore, get up and get busy.

Start talking to other people

Most heartbroken people don’t want to socialize anymore. They start to hate being around people, and feel everyone is bad, or everyone is happy, and they aren’t. Sadly, this only prolongs your healing process.

Interact with people, this way you’ll get to have fun, laugh a little, and see the world from different angles. The person that might walk you down your healing process might be among these people, so don’t shut yourself out.

Confide in your friends

Heartbreak is like a heavy burden that you struggle to carry on when, in fact, you need people to share this burden with, and help bring down the heartbreaking load off your chest.

Talking to friends about the situation eases the pain, and helps you heal faster. You’ll notice that after you’ve narrated your story several times, you will start to feel better.

Nobody is an island. As strong as you think you may be, everyone needs someone to talk to and to share their burdens once in a while.

I tried to self-heal myself, but it didn’t work till I opened up to a few friends, then I started feeling better. My friends helped me realize certain things I was blinded to while I was still in the relationship.

Positive thinking – don’t focus on your source of pain

I always encourage people to practice positive thinking when they are faced with a difficult situation, and even as a habit.

What is positive thinking?

It is thinking of a solution to a problem, strategizing, and planning instead of worrying about the issue.

The same method can be applied to those who are suffering from heartbreak. Instead of dwelling on the problem, think about better ways to know if someone loves you. Think of how to get back on your feet, think of ways to become a better version of yourself. Don’t think of why they didn’t love you, that’s negative thinking.

Practicing this will help you get over it with time.

DON’T GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY

Getting into a relationship immediately after a breakup is a bad move. It means you need to be with someone to be happy, which isn’t how it should be.

You need time to focus on yourself and your wellbeing; you need time to get back on your feet and achieve some goals fully.

Always remember that if you are truly fine, you won’t see the need to have a partner in your life to make you happy. Learn to make yourself happy by living and doing the things you want to.

In most cases, people who run into a relationship immediately after a breakup end up hurting the other person, because they haven’t moved on yet.

There will be interested men and ladies, but let them know you aren’t ready yet, and work on yourself first.

The road to full self-recovery is hard, but possible. There will be good and bad moments, tears, and laughter, but remember that all these are natural. We make the mistake of saying things like, “I can’t fall in love again.” Don’t say that or else you might chase away the person that will love you and appreciate you for who you are.

The only person that can genuinely rescue you from hurt, that can help you move on, is YOU.

breakups

About the author

Kalu Faith

Daniel is a freelance writer who helps websites and aspiring authors to create original content, articles, blogs, eBooks, and conduct academic research to increase sites traffic. Daniel enjoys reading and practicing therapy during leisure.

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