Conversations I Wish I Had #2

To be quite frank, I don’t like you. And why should I? You were the final wedge between me and someone I loved. I’m not saying it’s 100% your fault. It does take two to tango (or in this case, to cheat). Some of the blame goes to him as well. But you guys are together on this one. You were two peas in a pod.

Two casts from the same mold. Birds of a feather. You were best friends. But if you really were his best friend, you should have let us be. You should have known better than to mess with our relationship. But it all worked out for you in the end, didn’t it?

After everything that happened, he chose you. He chose someone he just met at school the previous semester over a someone he claimed to love deeply and was in a relationship with for three years. And he threw it all away, for you. How…romantic.

The first time you guys hooked up must have been wildfire. I get it. Emotions were running high. There was a spark. You knew he had a girlfriend but, so what? You gave in. You were selfish. How fitting, as he was selfish too. You guys got along so well together. Almost like you were the same person. Which is something I heard all the time from the mouth of your beloved.

I would constantly hear him say that you were “the female version of him” or that it was almost too good to be true that you guys were such great friends. It was like he was making excuses for his actions. But this letter isn’t about him. It’s about you, and your choices. And how your choices can affect others.

Because it didn’t just affect me, oh no. You see, he was torn up inside. I could smell his turmoil. You put him in a position he didn’t want to be in. And knowing he was going to have to choose and hurt one of us, was killing him. You caused him so much grief, and I had never seen him so depressed. But again, this letter is not about him. He’ll get his, just like you got yours.

He told me that you guys hooked up pretty quickly after it happened. And you were made aware that I knew. So you texted me. You wanted to talk things through and put a face to my name to humanize the situation. I agreed to meet despite wanting to text profanities at you. Now, I consider myself to be very mature, but I’m going to be very honest here. When we met in person, I wanted you to be a bitch.

I wanted a reason to hate you. To talk back and defend myself and my relationship. I wanted an excuse to be mean to you. But surprisingly, you were so…nice. You said you were sorry and didn’t mean for any of this to happen. And in response, I was nice back. I believed you. Whether or not you were genuine, I have no idea. Maybe the outcome would have been different if I had slapped that stupid look of guilt off your face. But I didn’t, so here we are.

Before we parted I told you I didn’t want you two hanging out by yourselves anymore (since, apparently, self-control was not an option). And although you agreed, you still persisted. You kept popping up in his life in ways I didn’t even think were relevant, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you were just trying to be his friend. And he was just trying to be nice. To not ignore you or make you feel bad. I mean, you guys were just such fantastic friends! But regardless of what your intentions were, that’s not how it played out, is it?

Eventually, he made you his girlfriend. Oh, but you didn’t know that we were still together, right? He told you that we had broken up and that I was no longer in his life. Or at least, I was told that you didn’t know. But maybe you did. Maybe you knew the whole time and loved the idea of sneaking around. Of being his escape route for his problems. Because that’s what you were. An escape route. A second option. “Plan B”. And when he decided that he and I weren’t going to work out, he already had someone waiting for him. So he gave the leftovers of his heart, to you.

So, I don’t like you. But I also don’t hate you. I know you’re not the only one to blame. And I genuinely hope that good things happen for you and him. You guys deserve each other. So congratulations! You have him. You have the guy who is willing to break the heart of someone he loved in order to please everyone else in his life. And look, I’m not saying he’s going to do the same thing to you. But honey, just remember how your relationship started.

All the best,

The First Woman