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Confessions of the Mad

Installment One

By DMTakeshiPublished 3 years ago Updated 3 years ago 8 min read
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By tryam on shuttershock

If you don't love me, you're missing out. I have a ton of love to give, and I am loving myself more and more by the day. I am a total dork, but super chill to hang out with. I'm awkward and I struggle sometimes to write about anything interesting. Don't get me wrong, I'm a dope ass poet, but when it all comes down to it, writing articles are all new to me.

I try to write about more personal things because that is what I know. I've dipped in the non-fiction arena, and I am getting better at those skills. I just haven't quite found my niche in this writing scene, I guess. Maybe I should make it be all about my personal life. 

I could write y'all every day to update you on what's really going on in my life. Kinda like a reality show, but instead a reality article, lol. I guess they call that a diary, or a blog. Some people secretly wish to read other's diaries, right? My life is pretty interesting, and I've often been told it could be a movie.

Don't mind me, I'm just writing out loud. I could call it "Confessions of the Mad." I could start with today.

22 August 2021

Today my mother-in-law asked me if my daughter could live with her. I asked her if my daughter had asked her to live with her. I was wondering where this had come from. She said my daughter did not ask her. Why would she want to take my daughter you ask? Because she knows I have been struggling mentally this past summer after an argument with my son and he decided to live with his birthfather.

My son is allowing me to have very little contact with him, and it is killing me inside. I'm not the best mother to my children and I have let them down countless times. I just want to be the best mom for these awesome ass kids.

Anyways, my daughter decided that she wanted to live with us for the rest of the school year and go live with grandma next school year. I feel like I'm losing my kids, but at the same time, I may just need to focus on being a better mom and person for them. Only time will tell. My therapist says not to worry about what I cannot know about.

Today I am also dealing with smoking cigarettes again. My husband quit today and then started back up in the evening and I thought fuck it. I secretly hoped he had started again so I could smoke as well. That's so messed up to think but it was true. I wish I didn't think like that, it makes me feel guilty. I just smoked and they are so gross smelling. I never know why I start back up when I hate them so much. Maybe to sometimes quiet my suicidal thoughts. The thoughts really haven't been bad since my medicine has been adjusted to the correct dosage.

Tomorrow I must get some furniture my mom is giving away to us. She has a truckload ready. I won't be sleeping tonight because of my insomnia so I hope I will be ready for it. Then at noon I meet with the family therapist to talk about meeting up with my son in about a week. I am looking forward to it, but not looking forward to it at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son, but his birthfather tortured me during and after our relationship. He continues to torture me to this day. My son won't see me without him there. I just don't see this ending well, but again, my therapist would say not to worry about the things I do not know yet.

I will let you know how tomorrow goes.

23 August 2021

I didn't sleep at all last night. I just stayed up to write. Sometimes you just must let the juices flow.

Today is my youngest sister's birthday. She just turned nineteen. We are seventeen years apart. Where does time go?

I meet with the family therapist at noon to help ease my mind, hopefully, about meeting with my son and his birth father. We are supposed to go get bobas and pho in a week. I'm nervous as heck. I just don't see things going well. I'll let you know how the meeting with therapist goes.

The family therapist did ease my mind a little bit. I still have my reservations because of my son's birth father. We are going to try for a meeting with his birth father sometime this week before I meet up with them next Monday. I have my reservations about that as well.

My son's birthday is coming up 11 September. He wanted his name and gender marker changed for his birthday and I wanted to get this for him. Why should I though when he doesn't give a single damn? My heart is just hurting. I know that would be a special gift, but why am I continuing to punish myself in this relationship.

My mother-in-law came over again today to take us out to dinner and to try to talk my daughter into living with her. I was proud of my daughter. She knew she didn't want to and was very firm with grandma's relentless attempts to get my daughter to stay at her house. I love that kid and I have a lot to learn from her.

Today was better than yesterday, I think. It's all blurring together since the last time I was asleep was over 36 hours ago. I didn't feel tired but now it is coming in waves. I think that's enough writing for today. Until tomorrow.

25 August 2021

Today was a really bad day. My son wrote me a text telling me off. It was cruel and hurtful. I was proud of myself for keeping my cool, but I still couldn't shake the hurt I felt. He told me to fuck off Jenn, he didn't want our last name and other more hurtful things. Teenagers know how to go for the heart, don't they? I cried and talked it over with my husband and felt much better. I'm too sad to write today though.

26 August 2021

I got a call from the school that my son left third period class "to help a friend in crisis" he told the counselor. He came back to school in fourth period and the teacher smelt something. He immediately told the teacher he had marijuana in his backpack and ran off again. The principal called me to let me know to please have a talk with him. I can't because he lives with his birthfather, so I let him know what the principal said. He said he would take some privileges away from my son. I know my son's mental health is declining and I hope he is really getting the help he needs. He is hurting himself and others around him.

27 August 2021

I received another urgent call from the school again. Cri ran from school staff a few times after telling them that he would jump off the stairs if they made him climb them. They take suicidal threats seriously and wanted to put him in a mental hospital. I think it would be a good idea with all the things surrounding his life right now, but his birthfather told the school he would deal with it.

He did the same thing when my son swallowed some antidepressants a couple of weeks ago. I wish he would realize that my son needs help. He has started a new medicine that I hope will be beneficial to him.

My husband and I have three new accounts so far in our cleaning business. That will put us at fifteen accounts. We are super busy and have asked my mother-in-law to take my daughter on the weekends, because it's our busiest times. They will get together every other weekend.

Cri texted me today and apologized for his text yesterday. I didn't know what to say. I'll just let it sit for now.

28 August 2021

I slept until four PM today. We have a new account that we cannot start cleaning until two thirty AM. I kind of like our new schedule. It is a quiet weekend without my daughter, and my son's school not calling me every day. We have a lot to clean again tonight.

It really wasn't so bad cleaning. We are superstars. I still haven't slept yet. I've got an itch to write. I couldn't think of any poems, so I'm here with y'all.

I texted my son back that I forgave him and couldn't wait to see him on Monday. I hope he isn't too angry that his sister won't be joining us at first. I want some one-on-one time with him. His birth father said he would wait in the car; it was kind of him.

29 August 2021

My husband has been depressed all day. Nothing in particular bothering him, just all of life. Sometimes he goes through this and has spiraling thoughts of being trapped in a family, his music career, coming up with enough money and more. I really feel for him. I wish I knew how to be there for him better. It can't be that I only listen, right? It feels so unfair that we cannot do anything for our loved one's thought traps. I have a hard time with my own as well, we've probably all been there.

Tomorrow I meet up with my son. I am nervous, but hopeful. I will bring a deck of cards to play just in case.

Next article will start installment two. Until then my friends.

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About the Creator

DMTakeshi

DMTakeshi has zero credentials and these poems have a high probability that they are the ramblings of a person with a serious mental illness. Enjoy!

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