Confessions of a 24-year-old virgin

Yes, that’s right, virgin. 24. Not that I’m looking for pity or for someone to, to quote Fifty Shades of Grey, “rectify the situation,” it’s just not in the cards for me yet. Maybe not ever.

I’ll be frank. I’ve done some research and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am demisexual, which basically means I need to form an emotional bond with someone before I am sexually attracted to them. That being said, I’ve never had such an emotional bond before, so there is that chance that it’s asexuality and I’m lying to myself. Or there’s the chance that everyone in this city sucks and aren’t worthy of me forming a bond with them (this is probably the smallest percentage of likelihood).

Personally, I love a good confession post. They’re fun to read, and when I can connect to the writer I feel a little less alone on certain things. When I can’t, it’s a great new perspective of the world to see.

So, whether you’re here because you’re in the same boat as I am, you’re interested in seeing reasons why someone would do such a thing to themselves, enjoy these 9 confessions I have being a 24-year-old virgin.

Confession #1: Dating is hard

Why? Well because there’s this nagging suspicion going on in the back of my brain that no one is decent or will want to wait and I’m setting myself up for failure even trying. I would be lying if I said I didn’t discount a guy if he had his shirt off in many (or any, depending on my mood) photos on dating apps because I just had a feeling that the kind of person who would be okay with waiting wouldn’t be showing off so much of their body in such a space.

I know it’s not necessarily fair to think that way, but I can’t help it, because what do you do if someone you’re really into doesn’t want to wait? Obviously, they aren’t the person for you, but it’s hard to let go of the “what ifs.” Especially the “what if I was different in just this one way?” And I have given shirtless-photo-guys a shot and it’s just gotten far too intense, far too quickly for me. So they’re ruined forever in my little virgin brain.

Also, once you’ve weeded through the apps and found a few you like, you go on dates with them. And how exactly do you flirt to show your interest without making their brains go down that road? (With many people, there is no way, I’m pretty sure you both just have to accept each other as you are.) I might even overcompensate and make people think I’m not interested in them at all, which also isn’t the case, I’m just really bad at personal body language.

Finally, when you’re dating and talking to people, their pasts can come up, and you really can’t relate to them on that level. The number of times I’ve been on a date with a guy and they’re like “if we ever sleep together…” and there’s nothing to say because…

Confession #2: There is never a good time to bring it up

One time I told a guy on a first date that I’m demisexual, he was open about his sexuality so I decided to be open about mine and… #ghosted. So first dates? Probably not the best time. He did drive me home though because he didn’t want me to bus home, which was nice of him. It was just afterwards that we never spoke again. But points for being decent.

Another not so great time? A few months in, with facetime dates, Mario Kart games online, and never actually meeting because of COVID, they bring up onlyfans or something of the like, and you can’t really say anything then either, because was it just a harmless joke? Or should you be quashing that immediately? You’ve never even met for goodness’ sake! And what do you say anyways? “No, I can’t start an onlyfans because I’m a virgin and yes that would get views but I’m a virgin for a reason and I need everyone to stay away?”

I have yet to successfully tell someone I’m talking to from a dating app about being a virgin without losing touch with them after. Which makes it hard, because once you’ve been talking for MONTHS, it’s hard to lose that connection, you know?

Really, you’re never forced to tell someone your sexuality, but it’s hard to tell people because once you do, there’s a huge focus that is put on that, which shouldn’t be there.

Even with people you aren’t dating, you don’t want to bring it up because then that becomes your most interesting feature and really, if I’m not comfortable HAVING sex, I’m not comfortable talking to you about the stuff I have(n’t) done. Anything you want to tell me about your sex life? I’m all ears. But it’s so hard to explain my own or why my body doesn’t react the way yours does, so please stop asking me. Read this post instead.

Confession #3: I don’t fault people for not continuing a relationship because I won’t sleep with them (for a while)

Especially if it accidentally comes out on the first date (please refer to the first sentence of confession #2). I don’t even really know the person, and they don’t know me, that’s a lot to accept after 2 hours of facetime.

Now, I won’t lie, it stings. Especially if those two hours were otherwise good. But I can’t expect someone to accept my lack of sexual feelings, if I’m not willing to accept that it’s a big thing for them. Some people are very sexual, and waiting just isn’t where they are at the moment, and that has to be okay.

I can’t force someone to be non-sexual. Just like no one can force me to be sexual. It’s a two-way street, we’re just travelling in different directions.

If it’s meant to be, they’ll wait with me. If not, we have to part ways. It’s not a connection.

Confession #4: There’s always a worry in the back of my head that if I tell someone I’m a virgin it’ll become a conquest, and the relationship will be sustained out of lies just to get into my pants

Very high school or soapy teen drama of me, but I don’t really know anything else (if I did, I wouldn’t be in this position). In the movies or in TV, taking someone’s virginity is a quest, one that all the guys talk about and pat each other on the back for achieving (see- After). Maybe that’s why I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to bring it up, because I’m worried that once I do, this is what it will become.

Once again, not fair. But I can’t help it. Once you think it for the first time, it doesn’t go away. Not for a while at least, or until you really know the person. It would be a horrible violation, and my self-preservation is trying to protect myself at all costs. Even if it’s detrimental to the dating aspect of my life.

Confession #5: I have considered using my sexuality to get out of having to talk to guys

I haven’t done it, but I definitely have considered it. Never would I admit to the virgin thing if I’m trying to get rid of someone (remember #4) but there have been times where all I want to do is say “I won’t sleep with you for at least a couple of years, I hope you can handle that.”

But once again, I am never obligated to share my sexuality with anyone, so I just don’t. I find a different way out of having to continue talking to someone.

Probably the real reason why I haven’t used this method though is that I’m scared at that point they’ll say it’s fine and then my plan will have backfired. That was supposed to be my way out of having to tell them they’re boring. Now they’re placing doubts in my head that I should be with them because they will accept me, and even if they’re boring it’s better to be accepted, right? (Wrong.)

Confession #6: Religion always had a hand in it…

…but mostly because it was something I could really connect with other people in the church on. You’re waiting for marriage? Me too, because I’m pretty sure by then I’ll have formed an emotional bond with this person. If not, there’s a problem.

I was also happy to go along with whatever the church said because I could use it as an excuse that would be (slightly) more respected than what my brain was telling me. I could be a good Jesus kid in this one way, and also hide behind the “Jesus says no” excuse. Saying I was an obedient child of God was a good way to rationalize with myself why I never felt that way towards people when I was a teen, instead of placing a label on myself.

It’s not a label I’m ashamed of, it’s just a much longer explanation. Also one I didn’t figure out properly until I was 22.

That being said, I’m more sex-positive than the church taught me to be, because I do think that people should find enjoyment in sex, and don’t have to wait for marriage to enjoy it. Just for myself, maybe it’s not in the cards.

Confession #7: Body image issues play into it

I’ve always had a problem with the way my body looks. It’s not bad, it’s just… not something I love 100% of the time I’m living in it.

I also definitely suffered some body dysmorphia as a teenager, because looking back at the body I had then, how could I ever have been unhappy with it? I guess there were a lot of things preaching unhappiness to me, because looking at myself in the mirror, all I ever saw for years were the things I needed to change.

I have definitely become more body positive since my teen years, and I now love the body I’ve been blessed with, but it’s hard to erase years and years of negative thoughts towards what you see. So I’m not 100% happy yet with the way that I look naked. And I don’t want anyone to see it until I’ve come to accept myself more fully. Not an “I’m skinnier now” acceptance, but more of an “I’m comfortable now NOT being a Victoria’s Secret model.”

Now, is that to say if I was completely happy with myself or if I didn’t suffer from body dysmorphia that I wouldn’t be able to write this post? Who knows, really. That’s not my situation, so it’s not a helpful thing to speculate. Can’t change the past, so why dwell on the what-ifs that could have come from it.

Confession #8: I am pretty sure when/if I ever feel comfortable with someone, I will be into as much with that person as they want.

There are some racy things in the books/fanfiction that I read, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t seem fun. But when I’m reading it, it’s more of a future-fun than a now-fun. But still, I could be down to try that one day. If I find the absolute right person and have become entirely comfortable with myself, I’d be up for almost anything they’re into. I think.

So, if you’re willing to wait until I’m comfortable, it very well could be worth the wait for you. Of course, I can’t guarantee that, but there’s a lot to explore out there, so who knows?

Confession #9: I have developed an emotional relationship with myself

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