Complicated

I don’t know what it is about me but I’m a very, and I mean VERY, complicated person. I want things and when they’re right there in my hands I literally push them away or I find a way to mess them up. I want things in life that every woman wants, but I want specific things all in one man. Before you say anything, I know, how did we get on that damn subject, but y’all knew that was what I was talking about. Relationships. I suck at them. Like passed suck, like so horribly bad at them. I can’t get right in that area. From 12 to 32, I’ll take you through my various follies. My one night stands and horrible adventures. I have tons of stories that I’m somewhat surprised I lived through. So yeah, judge me. I don’t care, but I think saying it out loud and facing it may just help me understand why I fuckin’ suck so hard at relationships. These situationships are from my memory and are of course from my point of view. Some of it is over exaggerated and super drama, but that is where the fun is! Oh and no ones real name is in here, but the locations are real. So here we go.

1

Middle school was a different time. A somewhat embarrassing time. This is where life defined my relationships as far as what I find attractive. My first boyfriend was a red headed, freckle faced white boy named Jeff. He hair that made him look like he was on fire. It was a firey red-orange. He had green eyes and a lisp. Now I know your like what the fuck? Look, I’m not the type that looks at looks. I never have been. The pretty people don’t look at me! Shit! Wtf? I look at common interests, can you make me laugh, can we talk, shit like that. Jeff was just so sweet and he liked me, first! That was a big thing to me! I was dark skinned, had horrible acne, and a gap in my teeth. Not to mention I was twig and I’m so serious when I say, twig skinny. No ass nowhere. I did, however, have boobs. BIG BOOBS! Boobs that any scrawny pizza faced girl would be proud of! Anyway Jeff and I were an item for about 2 weeks. Not long. We didn’t do anything or go anywhere. It was pretty much the standard at school relationship. Kids called us Salt and Pepper. Horrible. Anyway I remember him mostly because he wasn’t expected. He was the opposite of me in every way. He showed me that people like what they like regardless of social normalities. He also taught me that word of mouth means more then actual words from the horses mouth. We broke up because he heard I was cheating. Now I don’t know what constitutes cheating in a 7th grade relationship, but I do know that it was a giant scene of tears, yelling, accusations, and even a little bit of lying. Man middle school drama. Apparently another girl also liked Jeff. Her name was Violet. She was also pizza faced but she had her belly button pierced and a big butt. Everyone knew back then that big boobs weren’t shit when a fat ass walks in. Anyway, she started spreading rumors that I was talking to another boy named Steve. Now there was a little truth in the rumor. I did like Steve, but Steve had no clue I was alive let alone talking to me. All this is well known to everyone. Everyone suprisingly, but Jeff. He believed the whole thing. I begged and pleaded to him in front of the whole school to just listen but the damage apparently was done. Out in the quad, a huge mass of kids had formed what seemed like an impenetrable wall around he and I so that he could publicly and disrespectfully humiliate me by calling me a hoe and easy. Saying he never really liked me at all. That I could never be trusted. It hurt so bad. I cried all the way home. I didn’t date anymore until high school. Although after that I fully embraced being single, at 12-13. I went to parties. I kissed boys. I even got fingered for the very first time at a kickback in 8th grade. It was terrible. I hate finger to this day because of it but it was an experience. Boys. They had corrupted me and I was addicted. I was boy crazy. It didn’t stop. Hell it wouldn’t stop for another decade. I remember in 8th grade, Jeff and I were friends, I know right, and we were also friend with this other guy named Danny. He was a clown! He’d draw crazy pictures of the teachers and pass them around. He actually broke into one of their desks and stole a pad from a teacher! He put it on his head in the middle of class!! He was a menace. I didn’t like him, not like that anyway. We were friends, but he was too much trouble for me. I did have an overwhelming crush on his cousin, Frankie. Frankie also had the bad boy thing going on, but with another level. Frankie was having sex. Now, I had thought about it and talked about it and dreamt about it, but HELL no I had never done it. I wanted to though! And I wanted to with Frankie! At least, I thought I did. So I told Jeff, Jeff told Danny, and Danny told Frankie, sort of. I didn’t tell them I wanted to fuck, lol no. I’m a lady, a dumb immature little lady, but a lady none the less. I told them I had the crush. So Frankie and I started talking on the phone and seeing each other after school. Then I finally did it, I asked him to come over after school. We’d never been in the house together alone. So he came over and we were in my room. I thought everything was going to happen right then. We were hugging and kissing and licking and touching and then, just then, my Mom comes home. Lol that ended that. I tried to hide him in my closet. Nope. He was found, put out, and I was scolded. Surprisingly, my Mom is a fuckin boss. She’s my best friend. She understood, I was in trouble but my Dad didn’t need to know. Anothe slide past death!

This is my foundation for relationships! Horrible!! It’s obvious I don’t know a damn thing about anything! Looking back on these times helps me see that I had no real confidence in me. I looked at physical attributes for myself instead of lookin inside ans allowed others to define beauty as physical instead of spiritual or emotional. Things we learn through recollection and review. That was middle school, my introduction into love. Lol it only gets worse, in high school...