Complicated

2

Virginity

So I don’t know about anybody else felt, but I was scared as fuck to have sex the first time. Idgaf what anyone says I think everybody is scared to have sex the first time. Because you don’t know what’s gonna happen. You don’t know if it’s gonna hurt the whole time or just at first. You don’t know if your body is gonna do what it’s supposed to do when having sex because you’ve never done it! I was a ball of nerves when it was about to happen. I didn’t know how to say what I knew I didn’t like. I didn’t know how to do things the sexy way. I was sort of clumsy. Anyway I didn’t think sex was that big until I got to, of course, high school. That’s where life started to change for me, the life that I now am questioning, ha. I went to high school in a mostly black and brown neighborhood in Southern California. It was in San Bernardino county and was called Arroyo Valley High School. I loved my school. It was brand new! It had a gym and a theatre. I could pick classes like photography and piano. I felt alive there! I was also brand brand new because I was changing school districts. So I didn’t know anyone. I know I said I felt alive, but I also was scare out of my mind at this new school with new teenagers and new teachers. People who didn’t know me. What if they didn’t like me? What if I’m too different from them? Am I good enough? All the horrible and overwhelming feelings that come with being an insecure little teen. Well all those questions pretty much went out the window on that first day. I made friends pretty quickly but I also noticed a huge difference between me and other girls at my school. They wore name brand everything. My mom still bought my clothes from Walmart. I didn’t know it was a “thing”. I grew up very privileged but my parents made sure I understood that wealth isn’t what you can buy, but a feeling. Beside the basic differences, high school wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. The years flew by freshman year was the year I got my first hickey, sophomore year was the year fingers became the devil to me, junior year was full of love and think I may wanna do it, the big it! My boyfriend wanted to also but then we broke up. Then there was senior year. That year I had a boy friend that was a bit of a bad boy. Let’s call him Zane. He was in and out of jail and always in trouble. We got along good. He used to tell me that he liked me because I wasn’t like the rest of the girls. I was raised in another city and unfortunately in a obvious way, a different tax bracket. It was odd that no matter where I went, no matter what friends I have, or what I did with myself, I’d always be different even to my own people, all because of money. He treated me nice and spoke to me differently then he did to anyone. He was softer with me. So when it came down to sex I really wanted to, but I was so scared. He had just gotten out, again. I was so mad he did something to go back. Anyway the night before my 17th birthday I went to see him as soon as he got home. We argued and fought. And sat in silence for what felt like forever in my car. Finally I turned and ask him if he’d continue to do shit to get him in trouble. We talked and talked about everything that night. It was so good to sit and really talk about his decisions and what we wanted for ourselves in our future. It was so bright. I felt better. And then it started. The kissing and touching. I was mad when I got there and now I was terrified! It’s gonna hurt so bad! We were there and the mood was there and the space was there. We moved to my backseat. Clothes came off. My heart was beating through my chest! He laid on top of me and he started to move up and in, but I kept like running. I couldn’t help it! I was scared and he seemed freaking huge! He kept saying just let him do it n the pain will be quick. I was told him that it ain’t him about to be in pain. He just laughed and did a shoulder lock. I screamed so loud I’m surprised no one came out shooting. He moved up n down in and out for a few minutes and then got off me. It hurt so much, I didn’t wanna do it anymore, I thought. He was sweaty and breathing hard. I couldn’t believe what I did, I was glad it was done though. The fear was gone now. I drove home thinking about it wondering if it’ll always be so painful. I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep doing it at all ever. When I got home my mom walked into my room and looked me up and down and asked in an almost sneaky way how it was. I laughed so hard. How do moms know everything?! I told her it hurt and that I never wanted to do it again. She stood there with a smirk and said that I only felt like that because it was my first. She said that now I’d face the real problems. I didn’t understand, she said that I needed to go get on birth control first and to make ready for a a season of crazy wild and sometimes public sex. I looked her like she was smoking shit. She said your about to be an addict for awhile, I said what?! She said that now I was about to need the D everyday!! I laughed, everyday?! She was so right though, because I’d say maybe a day later, I was itchin like crack fiend!!! This started my ho ho ho days!!!