Coming Home

"You can always find me here, where the air is warm, where you can hear the crickets chirp, and I'm here holding your hand." Where was that though? I know we were driving there, it was a place you grew up. I remember the windows were down, and the wind was flowing through your hair and it was lightly caressing my face. You were looking in the mirror, readjusting it, even though it was only you and me. There was a horizon that looked like a painting, and it was perfect, and it still was you that I focused on. We sat under a pear tree, with the light of the sunset filtering in through the branches, and we sat there until the twilight. A soft sound near us made you turn your head, a deer slowing from a gallop to a curious walk to eat a pear on the ground. It noticed our scent, but we were so calm it didn't do anything. And it's like I'm reaching after you, back in that moment, saying those words, and it's always out of reach. I want to go there again, but something keeps me from going, something I was supposed to do.

I hear it again, "I'm here holding your hand." Is that your voice? It's so far off and muffled, and it's like there are wind gusts always howling. A weight on my chest... Oh it's Sebastian, the orange and cream cat I had as a kid, and he's curled up in a ball on my chest. He's shivering and a little wet, he must've been outside in the rain. I faintly hear it tapping on the roof, very consistently though. He was always a problem cat that ate tinsel and peed on everyone's laundry except mine. I loved him, no other animal went as crazy over the sound of a can opener. But I haven't thought of him for twenty years. If he's here, this must be a dream, and I wake up from dreams when I realize I'm dreaming. Sebastian is getting up, jumping off of me and I'm reaching out to him, but he's another thing out of reach.

My eyes open and I finally see her again, she isn't under the pear tree looking at the deer with my arms around her and holding hands, she's across the room and she's crying. I'll tell her about my dream, and how pretty she always looked. Something's off, it feels like I have to throw up, that gagging feeling is in my throat. This must be a dream too, I can't reach out to her and tell her it's okay. My eyes feel so heavy though, as if I am struggling to be awake, I must be completely exhausted. She's coming over to me, but I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

"Are you here with me? I'm here holding your hand." So gentle, so kind, my angel. If I'm dreaming, let me never wake up. Ah, Sebastian is back on my chest, slightly damp again but I'll let him be and warm up on my chest. Something must've upset him, he jumped off me and is hissing loudly and crying out like he did for wet food except he sounds really scared and not excited. Piper is here, our poodle mix, no wonder Sebastian is upset.

Oh God, Piper is jumping on my chest with both her paws knocking the wind out of me. She loves me so much, she can't handle her excitement so I can't hold it against her. She keeps on jumping on me and Sebastian is terrified, every time I try getting up to comfort him Piper pounces on me. She bites my arm when I try to stop her, and a man is there holding my arm down, giving a scolding, disapproving look to me. He reminds me of my dad. Piper jumps on me a few more times, but then she leaves the room. Sebastian is still scared, he's sitting on the chair across from me. I want to reach out to him to let him know it's okay, he can come back to laying on my chest. What seems like blinding light comes filtering in, like with our tree but much harsher. But I see her there, she's in the spot Sebastian just was. I know her, she's someone I love. There was something I was supposed to do for her.

I was going to get her ice cream, mint chocolate chip, and I promised her something about it. It was important, she held my hand and made me promise her. Oh, I can't remember, I'll just go back to find her where I do remember her. Where her hair flowed through the wind, and we sat in the twilight with the crickets and the deer. I can always find her there. It seems when I search for her there is when Piper comes back in and jumps on my chest, but I don't want to play right now, I want to go after that woman and be with her. When I fight back against her playing that disapproving man comes back in to hold my arms down and it feels so exhausting. They all seem to fade away, but there's a soft, tender voice pleading with me. "I'm here holding your hand. You promised me." I recognize a scent, is it a fruit? Maybe even a pear, oh that'd make me happy. It's something not specific, it smells like her shampoo. That's what it is. The promise. I remember her, and I remember us. I proposed to you, under that pear tree, my sweet wife. I was going out to get you your mint chocolate chip ice cream, and you'd ask if I'd also get some other things like shampoo. I got it, I remember getting it. I smelled it in the store, but it didn't smell as sweet without you. Emma, I remember now. I also got you a petite bouquet of flowers just because, and I held onto it with one hand driving back. I remember dropping it while driving, someone was coming toward me in a pickup truck. But I dodged it, right? No, that's right. It got me anyway. I was turning onto our road, and then there was a gap in time and then you were there holding my hand. I remember now. "You promised you'd be right back." That's right, I did, didn't I? She made it out like it was silly to go out for ice cream, but I was always happy when you were happy.

"I'm sorry." Is all I could manage to say, I'm sorry for that. I know you were scared, but you held onto my hand and made me promise something else.

"I'm here holding your hand. You can always find me here. So promise me that you'll come back to me, come back home." I remember I nodded in agreement with my remaining energy before I drifted off. The wind filling the car and your hair caressing me, taking me to those out-of-reach dreams. Even now, I'm looking out to them, and they're comforting me. But I won't give in to the comfort, I'll fight to open my eyes. I'll make good on my promise. I'm here, feeling you holding my hand, and I'll find my way back to you, I'm coming back home my love.