Codependency

I always thought that codependency meant that you relied on others fully and just HAD to have them in your life and that you did not make any decisions without them; you did not make a move without their input. I have come to see that it is so much more.

In a codependent relationship there is the rescuer and the one who needs rescued. The rescuer usually has a huge heart and they want to rescue everyone. They feel that if they are there for people for every 3 a.m. call that one time those that need rescued will "get it" and no longer need rescuing and they will no longer need to be awakened at 3 a.m. The truth is today, that too many times relationships are thrown to the wind for every little thing or every little offense; which is wrong, but in the case of codependency that is just exactly what you have to do. Pull up the stakes and move on.

Harsh as it may sound it is for your own peace of mind and for their own good. You are not called to be a mercy drudge and that is not the definition of grace; neither is endless patience. We are called to love. How many 3 a.m. calls will you take before you realize that they are not even trying to change and that you are being abused? Will you cut the strings and risk the manipulation that is sure to follow as they spiral downwards and blame you for not being there for them? But, you think, I was there for you for a gagillion calls and counseling sessions and nothing changed and now it is MY fault? Do not believe the lies and manipulation that are sure to be strewn your way as you break away from the toxic relationship that is one-sided and has you as the repeated rescuer.

They may even try to manipulate you by stating that they would not have done thus and such if you just would have been there for them. Knowing that you have been there for them a hundred times before and nothing changed should clue you in to such manipulation and they should be called on the floor for it. Do not be afraid to say "whether or not I am here for you or I answer the phone has nothing to do with your actions. You are responsible for your actions and I did not make you do thus and such just because I was not there for you. You did thus and such even when I WAS there for you."

Think about it. When someone decides repeatedly to use their free will to be destructive you cannot change them... sorry, but you can't. Thinking that you can means you think that you are greater than God which is "delusional or prideful neither of which is realistic."

Continually bailing someone out or even just your presence creates a reward system that tells them that their behavior is not [that] bad and whether they change or not you will stick around. When a person continues to be self-destructive and has been confronted; if they continue to stay in the same holding pattern they may need to be let go.

A recent relationship I was in was heading down this very path and due to my past I was able to recognize this and other toxic fumes swirling around me and remove myself from the relationship before I was suffocated and consumed. In my case it crept in and grabbed me where I was most vulnerable, where it was easy to latch on.

When we first met everything seemed quite innocent. It was, as most people find, nice to have someone. I have always loved touching people and now I had my own gal with the silkiest skin to hold hands, to kiss, to make love to. I also had a lovely lady who I very quickly realized had a problem with alcohol and that without that alcohol I would not receive the affection I not only craved, but have been starved of.

Looking back I can see now that I was attributing to the problem in the early stages of our relationship without realizing when I would go on beer runs after a 6-pack was already consumed to retrieve another, knowing that when I returned I would get something in return--the affection I so desperately was seeking.

Once I realized there was a problem; I stopped. It was to my own detriment as it meant no more affection for me, but I had to think of the bigger picture and think of her health, what she was doing to herself. I decided to care more about her than myself and when it came time to break things off I stated that if she was going to continue to consume alcohol at the same rate as she had been I was not going to play a part. She said she was not going to change anything and decided to choose the booze over me.

I have no regrets.

I did not tell you all the fun we had together. The late nights we spent just hanging out until dawn when I had to be working from home starting at 7:30 a.m. and was arriving at my door at 5:30 a.m. or later. I have not told you how we sang Via Dolorosa together on our first date at Applebees which is sung in both Spanish and English. I have not told you about our favorite Lounge to hangout in the city with a beautiful rooftop view or the middle-of-the-night runs to USA chicken for the BEST chicken you will ever taste or our many crazy conversations and tons of laughter.

You see, for all that our relationship wasn't, there is a lot that it was.

Giving up on the relationship was not irresponsible or neglectful or even mean. We are still in touch. I did not just blatantly walk away as if I had no feelings. I did, however, remove myself from what I would have let become a very co-dependent relationship, trading what she needed for her addiction for what eventually and easily would have become mine--affection.

I miss the fun times, the talks and the affections. I do not miss the negative outcome of those times under the influence of too much alcohol.

Do not settle. You deserve better. Someone will love you just as you are.

Expend your energy on those who will receive your love.

Not everyone is ready.