Children, Identity, and the Adults Who Fail Them

Children, Identity, And The Adults Who Fail Them

Children have always questioned who they are. Anyone who remembers being twelve or thirteen knows how confusing that age can be, not because of sexual feelings, but because of the sudden awareness that people come in many varieties and identities. When I was thirteen, I had gay cousins whom I loved and admired. I didn’t have romantic or sexual feelings toward anyone at that age, but I remember wondering, very simply, whether I might be gay too. It wasn’t a crisis. It wasn’t a rebellion. It wasn’t even emotional. It was just normal curiosity — the kind any child has when they see people around them living differently and wonder where they fit.

Today’s children have more language than we did. They have terms, labels, identities, and communities that didn’t exist twenty or thirty years ago. Sometimes they use those labels with deep sincerity. Sometimes they use them experimentally, trying on words the way they try on clothes. Sometimes they use them socially, because their friends are exploring and they want to belong. None of this is dangerous. None of this is abnormal. None of this is a threat.

What is dangerous is how some adults respond.

Recently, my twelve‑year‑old granddaughter and a few of her friends described themselves as bisexual. Whether they fully understand the term or are simply exploring is irrelevant. They are children. They are learning. They are doing what children have always done: testing language, boundaries, and identity. But one of the girls has a father whose hostility toward LGBTQ people is so extreme that when he learned his daughter and her friends were using this label, he threatened to kill my granddaughter.

Not punish her.
Not lecture her.
Not forbid her from seeing his daughter.
He threatened to kill her.

The threat was credible enough that both the police and Child Protective Services are now involved. They are now determining whether the children in this situation are living in safe environments and whether any adults have created conditions that put minors at risk. The involvement of authorities was not triggered by children using a word. It was triggered by an adult responding with violence.

This is the real crisis. Not children experimenting with identity. Not teenagers using words they may or may not fully understand. Not social trends or generational shifts. The crisis is adults whose hatred is so extreme that they direct violence toward children.

We are living in a moment where hostility has become normalized. Adults feel entitled to express rage, disgust, and even threats toward minors who simply exist outside their expectations. Children are absorbing the message that curiosity is dangerous, self‑expression is dangerous, and being honest about who they are could cost them their safety. This is not a moral debate. This is a child‑protection issue.

When a grown man threatens to kill a twelve‑year‑old girl over a word, something has gone profoundly wrong in our culture. It is not the children who are broken. It is the adults.

Children today are navigating a world that is louder, harsher, and more polarized than anything previous generations experienced. They are surrounded by social media, political rhetoric, and cultural battles that they did not create but are forced to live inside. When they express identity, even tentatively, they are doing so in an environment where adults may respond with judgment, hostility, or violence. This is not the fault of the children. It is the failure of the adults.

The question is not why children explore identity. They always have. The question is why adults have become so volatile, so reactive, and so willing to harm children over something as simple as a label. A twelve‑year‑old saying “I’m bisexual” is not a threat to society. A violent adult threatening a child is.

Part of the problem is that many adults misunderstand what children are actually doing when they use identity labels. They assume permanence where there is experimentation. They assume ideology where there is curiosity. They assume rebellion where there is simply language. Children are not making political statements. They are trying to understand themselves. They are trying to connect with peers. They are trying to articulate feelings that are new, confusing, or evolving.

Adults who respond with violence are not protecting children. They are harming them. They are teaching them that honesty is dangerous, that self‑expression is punishable, and that their safety depends on silence. This is the opposite of what children need. Children need room to grow, room to question, room to explore. They need adults who can tolerate discomfort, who can listen without reacting, and who can guide without threatening.

The man who threatened my granddaughter did not simply fail as a parent. He failed as a human being. He failed to understand that children are not extensions of adult ideology. They are individuals with their own developing identities. He failed to recognize that violence toward a child is never justified. He failed to provide a safe environment for his own daughter, let alone anyone else’s.

When adults respond to children with violence, they reveal more about themselves than about the children they target. They reveal their fear, their insecurity, their inability to cope with change. They reveal that their beliefs are so fragile that a child’s words threaten them. They reveal that they cannot distinguish between a child’s exploration and an adult’s political stance. They reveal that they are willing to harm a child rather than confront their own discomfort.

This is not a cultural problem. It is a moral one.

We need to ask ourselves what kind of world we are creating when children cannot speak honestly about themselves without risking violence. We need to ask why some adults believe they have the right to police children’s identities through fear. We need to ask why hatred has become so normalized that a man can threaten to kill a child and believe he is justified.

Children deserve better. They deserve curiosity, safety, and room to grow. They deserve adults who can handle their own emotions without projecting them onto minors. They deserve communities that protect them, not punish them. They deserve a world where exploration is met with guidance, not violence.

The situation with my granddaughter is not an isolated incident. Across the country, children are facing hostility from adults who cannot tolerate the idea that identity is not fixed, not simple, and not controlled by parental expectations. Children are being punished for curiosity, shamed for honesty, and threatened for exploration. This is not a reflection of children’s behavior. It is a reflection of adult failure.

We need to shift the conversation away from children’s identities and toward adult responsibility. The question is not whether children should explore identity. They will, whether adults approve or not. The question is whether adults can respond with maturity, compassion, and stability. The question is whether adults can protect children instead of harming them. The question is whether adults can recognize that their role is to guide, not to threaten.

Authorities are now involved because a line was crossed that should never be crossed. A child’s safety was threatened. A child’s life was threatened. This is not a misunderstanding. This is not a disagreement. This is violence. And violence toward children must always be met with intervention.

But intervention is only the beginning. We need cultural change. We need to challenge the idea that adults have the right to control children’s identities through fear. We need to challenge the belief that hostility is an acceptable response to curiosity. We need to challenge the normalization of violence in conversations about identity.

Children deserve a world where they can explore who they are without fearing for their lives. They deserve adults who can handle discomfort without resorting to threats. They deserve communities that protect them, not punish them. They deserve safety, compassion, and understanding.

The question is not “What is happening to our world?” The question is “Why are children paying the price for adult hatred?” And more importantly, “What are we going to do to protect them?”

References

American Academy of Pediatrics. “Supporting Healthy Identity Development in Adolescents.”
Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Protecting Children from Violence.”
Journal of Adolescent Health. “Identity Exploration and Emotional Development in Early Adolescence.”
National Child Traumatic Stress Network. “Impact of Threats and Violence on Child Development.”
Pew Research Center. “How Teens Explore Identity in the Digital Age.”

Children deserve a world where they can explore who they are without fearing for their lives. They deserve adults who can handle discomfort without resorting to threats. They deserve communities that protect them, not punish them. They deserve safety, compassion, and understanding.

The question is not “What is happening to our world?” The question is “Why are children paying the price for adult hatred?” And more importantly, “What are we going to do to protect them?”

References

American Academy of Pediatrics. “Supporting Healthy Identity Development in Adolescents.”
Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Protecting Children from Violence.”
Journal of Adolescent Health. “Identity Exploration and Emotional Development in Early Adolescence.”
National Child Traumatic Stress Network. “Impact of Threats and Violence on Child Development.”
Pew Research Center. “How Teens Explore Identity in the Digital Age.”