Chasing Shea

We were floating together in the pool. You both had just gotten married and we were surrounded by people who loved your love the most. You held hands, smiling in pure ecstasy, as the sun set on you, and povi sang your tune; you took deep breaths into your next chapter.

I couldn't take my eyes off of you both at this moment, not for one second. Just lost in your gaze for each other. I could see your entire history playing out. I thought, there are my two sisters, in the truest form of love I would ever witness. Kendall, a girl I fell in love with without hesitation as a teenager, and KT, my other half, my Twin.

But now as I write this, I realize:

Kaite, Kendall was your other half. I got to witness the part of our lives together where we battled to understand who we were. For years in San Francisco, we pushed and pulled as kids fighting for who we thought we were meant to be and what we stood for. But for Kendall, she got the better half. She witnessed you solidify and maintain the woman you aspired to be, she helped you shape that woman, and KT, you did the same for her. All the while, giving birth to the most romantic love story ever told.

I met Kendall when she had zero style, but all the flare. KT, you watched her flare burn into the brightest flame, and you helped maintain it, so it never burnt out.

At a certain point in my life, Katie, I had to surrender to the fact that our relationship had changed.

That you had met your person, and that one day, I would meet mine too. But everytime Kendall saw me, she reminded me that I was a part of your family too. That we would stay together, forever. Therefore, I surrendered to the fact that I had found true love. Within my two sisters. That was enough for me.

Helping you both make your dreams come true on your wedding day was a dream I never knew I had. Loving you both was a dream I never knew I had. The family you shaped for us, the people you have brought to my life, Emily included, and the lessons you have taught me, the laughter and adventure you have supplied me, is more than enough to last an infinite lifetime.

And now it’s gone.

Kendall, Emily. You both have left us. Yes, of course with a legacy, and at some point when I’m ready, I will live it on. But for now, I’m lost.

I’m unsure of what's to come, and I mourn deeply for my Twin sister KT, Kendall’s wife, for Andy, Emily's fiance and Kendalls Father, Laurie, Kendall’s Mom, Pat & Zac, Kendall’s beloved brothers. Rick, Emily’s Father, and all other family members, and friends.

Yes, sometimes we are lucky enough to experience your energy remaining in the day or night, but you’re still not here. This house remains empty, with KT inside.

I had experienced a love once, a love that was better than any story ever told, Shakespeare himself rolled over in his grave once he heard about this tragedy.

Now we’re left in sorrow, and for the first time. I’m ok with being sad. Because the pain I feel is the love that I wish I could still give them both, and that love is immense, it is true love.

Now the complexity sets in, because Emily, our guardian earth angel. You too have been taken from us. At this moment, when KT, Andy and the family would need your spirit the most, we don’t have you.

Emily, in the past 4 years, you have taught me endless lessons, without ever intentionally teaching them, and given me hope that life could serve us all at any point in time, all we had to do was act through the greatest power of all, love.

You took my old stories, and bloomed gardens out of them. You saw me for the person I wanted to be, in the present day. While some who knew my past, still kept me there. I felt safe with you, I felt seen. I hadn’t ever felt that before consistently, until I met you.

The way you sacrificed your time and efforts to make sure people felt seen and loved, everywhere we went, it’s a true testament to the force of love. You absolve pain. You are love.

So for the people who are reading, I’m merely scratching the surface of what these 2 have given, and what they have left behind.

As I cannot do much right now, but be in pain, and hold space for my family, and be my twin sister's soul protector, you can start the healing now.

As Kendall did so effortlessly, shine as bright as you possibly can. Wear whatever the fuck makes you feel excellent, regardless of what people think, and smile from cheek to cheek as much as you can. If you meet new people, and are unsure what to talk about, ask them questions, compliment them, research what they’re interested in so they feel what they love is important too. Most importantly, chase your dreams, dreams that make your heart sing, as hard as you can, she sprinted her marathon, after all.

As Emily did so effortlessly, love with your whole heart, in every moment, of every day. As soon as you wake up, greet the day with “what would love do today.” If you live near the ocean, wake up 30 minutes earlier to dive in and feel the cool water, feeling its infinite vastness. If you’re near a park, go be amongst the trees and give gratitude that they supply you with oxygen to take every breath. If nature isn’t available to you, smile at someone you don’t know, say hi, and give them a compliment. Or take it a step further, and ask for their name. Emily made people feel important, because she knew she by herself wasn’t important, everyone was. We’re all here on this planet together, for a reason, and we have to get back to that reason.

So, when the time comes, when we are ready to come out and be with our community again, I hope that you will greet us with understanding and patience. We appreciate the support, but we’re unaware of what to do with it, or how to navigate the essence of that word. I will go wherever KT needs to go for now, escape to where she needs to escape to. I will follow her into her darkest moments, and hold her throughout. Kendall, I promise to watch over KT. Until my last breath. Emily, I promise to be a beacon of light, even when I’m in my darkest moments. We will fight to keep the love, together.

I love you both, Forevie. “Sawa, Sawa”.