Chance

I have grown to love the rocking. At first the incessant, rhythmic lapping bore into my mind, overtook my thoughts, and numbed my senses. With each subsequent wave a tightness grew in my chest, building a dread that couldn't be contained. I thought I was lost, and I would stay in this purgatory until the end.

In the beginning I couldn't peel away these ideas enough, or focus long enough, to understand what was unfolding. But I can now. At least some of the time. What once elicited impending terror, now lulls me every second of every day. It blankets me in peace because of the predictability of it all. Comfort in knowing what the next second will bring. I am relaxed, though my circumstances have not changed. I am learning to be at ease. As if the hand of eternally devoted Mother Earth rocks me gently in my wooden cradle on her endless waves. She has my back, and like a child I lean in, give in, and find safety in her embrace. I know how this works now and there is comfort in that. The chasm of green and grey and blue between here and there is not as overwhelming as it once was. I know things need to be done and it's just a matter of time until I arrive at my next Chance.

The topography doesn't change much so I can put concerns of navigating out of my mind. There are the storms and the angry churn of waves that greet the wind and the rain. But there are no storms on the horizon today so it's smooth sailing. I can see my ship waiting for me where the world ends. Sitting perfectly on the spot where the sky and the ocean share an intimate moment for all to see. If you are looking. Which not everyone does.

It has taken a very long time to reach this place. I wonder what I need to do to expedite this leg of the journey. How can I get where I need to go? What do I need to find out before I can get there? These are the questions that occupy my mind. My work is to make clarity from the haze. To create a plan. Or maybe it is just to wait and let things unfold naturally. That part I haven't quite got the hang of yet. But things are getting a little bit clearer, and I am starting to see that I have a minor part to play in it all. Like the walk on character who you know will never make it to the next episode of the show, but it's their big break on screen and they give it all they have. They execute their lines, and it is so unbelievably believable. They move the show along and then they are gone, never to be seen or spoken of again. That's me. Every now and then I can muster a move and give it my all. I have a breakthrough or an epiphany, I move my plot along, and then that thought dies off just like the red shirted ensign on the Enterprise. Who was he? We will never really know. But no one totally forgets about him, so in the end he was essential and memorable after all. And that is me, only I am not wearing red. I digress.

I am not sure how long it has been since that last thought. Was it just one sentence ago or have I dreamed an entire year away? There is no way of telling these things, but what I do know is that I see the horizon approaching. I see my ship and it is getting closer. It's impossible to say how much closer, or when I might be able to seize my Chance, but I do believe things are starting to shift. It feels familiar but also with the accompanying butterflies when something is new and unknown. I think I fear uncertainty. Other people bask in the new and unexperienced. I have never been strong in that department. I used to be the panicked sort. An anxious, nail biting, stimming mess. But I don't feel that way right now.

Maybe that was the point of this trip. Maybe this is what I needed to understand to be able to jump at my next Chance. I think this wait has been a very long one. I think this hurdle was much bigger than I expected. I peer over the edge because I am still not sure. It has happened before that I thought I'd made sense of it all, only to realize I was still an eternity away from something new. But I don't think that is the case this time. I am nervous and excited. I close my eyes and tilt of my head slightly to blindly gaze over the rail. My skin immediately cools as my face is met with shadow, and I don't need to open my eyes to realize that the moment has arrived.

I wrap my fingers around the well-worn wood. Eyes still closed, I draw myself up to standing, and find my footing as I sway with the words the waves are trying to share. I reach my hands out into the abyss and they land on familiar smooth grains, warmed by the sun. I open my eyes knowing what is ahead of me. Hello, I think. I haven't seen myself for some time now, but I feel I look older, wiser, calmer. I feel like I know more. There is an air of authority I haven't glimpsed before. As if the layers of emotional onion skin have been peeled back and it's me, only a different me. I was a little scared the first few times but not anymore. I welcome this moment.

No words need to be spoken. I have never even tried and am unsure what might happen if I did. My wiser self never ventures to chat, so I leave it alone knowing this must just be the way it works. Our eyes are locked, moments pass and then the time arrives to leave me behind and seize this new Chance. I sometimes wonder if this will be the last one I get. Or if I have endless Chances and maybe one day, when I am ready, I am the one who decides to stop taking them. Maybe if I do stop it will all just evaporate. Maybe none of this is real. Maybe it never ends. But that is the minutia to unpack on another day. This moment is done, and my new Chance is starting to pull away. We are holding hands across the railings as my future begins to separate from my past. You can't stay together in the same place for very long and I know it is time. My arms pull as tendons and muscles stretch as far as they can go. I close my eyes, release my hands, and everything is gone.

The sun is on my face, I am standing tall, scanning the future ahead of me, and much to my surprise, a new Chance is already within sight. I feel strong. Ready. But I know I must explore a little to find out what this new moment will bring me. And if I have learned anything yet, it is that you can't rush this sort of thing so you might as well get comfortable and enjoy the trip. I feel full of unrealized potential. I am certain I have never felt quite like this before. It's hard to look back at a previous Chance and try to figure out if you are the same as you were before you took it. It is best to look forward. Live and learn. Move on to brighter days, calmer seas, endless Chances, and a lifetime of new opportunities. So, I sail on, knowing there will always be more storms ahead, just not today. I am in control. I lock my eyes on the ship that sits on the horizon and start to plan how to get there and what to enjoy along the way.