Another day of just the right touch of cold layered towards me and just the right warmth cushioned beneath me, yes another bed day. The only place where my thoughts endlessly stream like running water passing carefree and careless of what it hits. I thought again and this time I was lost in a loop of thoughts, what if, what is, what is not. The possibilities chased back and forth in my mind like crashing waves against the edge of a cliff. No moment to grasp any real words, just thoughts after thoughts after thoughts. You can call it daydreaming or whatever fancy word you find, but I call it home.
Home to all my problems, my solutions, my hates, my love, my desires, my dislikes, my soul. The question is why does this home not feel comfortable? For every thought generates a tingle through my body, a bit like a shockwave. What does that mean? Am I sick? Or maybe I am just confused. Yes confused it is. I find myself at this spot very often than wanted.
Another thought flashed by: 'It is because of him.' Him. Yes the undecided, unpredictable but understanding love of my life. Did I mention he understands? Sometimes I ask myself if he really does understand me or am I a running broken record, playing continuously without a note being understood. I feel that way, yet I cannot stop myself loving so deeply that I fear my heart cannot handle it without him.
But it once did; that moment I felt my body crumbled and lost not knowing if I would survive the pain I endured. I had felt like I lost myself, I wanted to scream, I wanted to run after him, just to find myself. I even questioned my very existence. How can all those years, all those late nights, kinky moments, memories, cuddles, gifts and life together end so swiftly in a few words? How was that possible, I questioned myself.
As days passed I too started to forget that sweet bitter taste of love and embarked a new self-recovery journey to rebuild myself. I rebuild every corner of life, just for him to walk back in to it? Yes you heard it right, he walked straight back to the very same spot in my heart, raging for the love he once had. I couldn't figure out what, when, how and most importantly why me? Why had he come back in flesh to pursue me, what had I done that attracted him again?
The thoughts that spring daily like the rising and setting of the sun and moon were truly unimaginable. My wound had not yet healed, and the knife that was drawn had been slammed back in the same place. It was painful, yet the twinkle in his eyes, the joyful bound in his voice, his touch and forgotten promises made love flood back in to my life in a tsunami-like wave. What do I do now? I am not sure. I'm still letting the thoughts in my mind wander through trial and error 'til I find the answer.
An answer to every question, every possibility, every motive, not to leave a pebble unturned. I will not let a breath go unheard and unaccounted for. Determined as I am, I still question if I am diving deeper or am I close to the shore. Will I survive?
I hate how love can be so sweet yet so bitter, and why me? A question that's always asked but rarely answered. But why, my thought can't grasp a single trace to an answer. My mind exhausted from the roller-coaster of thoughts, what is yet left is to find comfort in the tears that flow unbound, forming the cushion I sleep in tonight.