The colour of your hair reminded me of what used to be my favourite colour. Your fragrance reminded me of what used to be my favourite scent. Lavender. A colour, a scent, a word that I was not able to get out of my mind since the day you left. I hope I remind you of something. I hope you even still think of me. I hope the sounds of footsteps that resemble mine make you tremble. Because that’s what happens to me. I know that you are gone for good & nothing can change that. But help me remember how good the word “lavender” felt on the tip of my tongue.
You told me your father taught you how to play the piano before he passed away. I remember how you had that gigantic instrument in the middle of your tiny apartment alongside the stacks of old records. You were composing a song. The melody that flowed in the room made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere. And that “somewhere” was here. Right next to you. You told me that piano was your first love. Little did i know, you were mine.
I was completely okay with the unfulfilling silences we encountered whenever we fought. It gave me time to think. Sometimes it was just silent because we had nothing to talk about. Sometimes it was silent because neither of us felt like talking. But I was okay with that. Even though nothing groundbreaking had happened in those silences, I was happy. Because I got to be with you.
You told me that I was alluring in so many different types of ways. Seductive, fascinating, powerful, mysterious. You told me that is what you liked about me. But there was a night when we fought, and you told me you hated how mysterious I was because it made me unpredictable. You said you had enough of whatever it was I was doing to you. You stormed out of the apartment and left me stunned on the kitchen floor. What surprised me was that I wasn’t even upset. Because I knew you were right. It was alluring to me that I could find someone that loved me even though I was unpredictable & impulsive. But I guess you were tired of the thrill.
I am trying so hard to eradicate you from my mind. I lay on my kitchen floor thinking about you. Not necessarily crying, or upset. I just wonder, what have you been up to lately? Do you think about me like the way I think about you? Do you stay up all night wondering if I found someone new. It is so hard for me to erase you from my mind. I wonder if it’s hard for you to forget about me as well.
For all the hearts I have broken before, I am sorry. I think this is punishment. I had hurt so many people but I never knew what it was like to get hurt. Until now. You were the only person I had ever loved. and trust me, I loved you more than anything.
We are young. We are supposed to live in the moment. We are supposed to think that we only have each other. I am supposed to be happy and you’re supposed to be here. But you’re not. Who knows where you might be? The days I spent without you feel like forever. But I tell myself it’s okay, as long as you’re okay.
I just think it’s funny how easy it is for people to forget. I bet you moved on. I bet you’ve forgotten about me. Really, it’s pure comedy to me. I just want to be able to laugh at it though. Because right now, i’m sitting in the corner of my room, thinking that I could forget you too. I may think it’s funny, but I’m not laughing. Instead, I’m crying.
I let people crawl into my body to ease my loneliness. People I know aren’t worth it. Their warm breath on my neck reminds me of you. The way they run their hands on my body in the dark makes me think of how happy I used to be. This is the only way I get the attention I crave. I know it’s bad. You would be the one telling me this isn’t worth it. But you aren’t here and I can’t stress that enough. You aren’t here and you will never be here again. You are gone and you left me for good. I should get that through my head. Sleeping with numerous amount of people is not gonna make you come back to me. Because you don’t care. You are at ease without me. And I don’t blame you. I’m a mess.
Goodbyes have always been something I wasn't good at. It has always been hard for me to tell someone goodbye. But with you, I never got to say anything. You never gave me the chance. You left without a word. Maybe you knew that it would be hard for me. After all, you're the one that knows me best. I never thought that it was supposed to end this way for us. It's not what I had in mind. But I hope you're happy. I don't mean this in a sarcastic way. I genuinely hope you are living your best life. I know I wasn't always easy to deal with. I know it was hard for you to let go, but I also know that it's what you had to do. I don't blame you, although I may have before. It just wasn't meant to be, I know that now. So, this is goodbye. I'm sorry for everything that happened with us. I love you and I always will.