Butterfly

When I was a child we moved around a lot. I used to joke that whenever my dad wanted to go on vacation we moved instead. As a young girl, the constant upheaval and having to leave all of our things and people constantly really took a toll on me. It would be difficult for me to sleep in any of the new places we lived. My mom's sister would sing to me to get me to sleep and the song was about a butterfly that would constantly roam. Often times for the first couple of weeks after we moved, my mom would have to call my aunt to sing to me over the phone so that I could have that feeling of home.

"Butterfly, butterfly why don't you stay close beside me and love me I pray. Butterly, butterfly why do you roam? Will you stay in my garden? Will you make it your home?"

As an adult, I was diagnosed with several illnesses, all of which meant that I could never have children of my own. Adoption had always been on my heart because of the tumultuous childhood my mom had that landed her, her brother and sister in an orphanage in Houston in the 1960's. Thankfully their grandmother was able to find them and get them out of the orphanage 6 months later, but those memories plagued her into adulthood.

I had been a teacher for 5 years when on back to school night, one of my students brought her younger siblings to my room for me to meet. As soon as I saw the two year old girl in Osh Kosh overalls, a red t-shirt, and twin braids I hit my knees and she ran into my arms. It was love at first sight. One week later the family made the decision to put the youngest two children up for adoption and I said pick me!

On the first night my Lillian came to stay with me, she was restless and could not get to sleep. I read to her, held her, talked to her, but at two years old this was a lot of change and she wasn't able to settle so I started to sing. As I sang the lullaby that my aunt sang to me as a child, Lilli was able to quiet down and finally drift off to sleep. I laid there awake staring at her, thinking about the words to that song.

"Butterfly, butterfly why don't you stay, close beside me and love me I pray. Butterfly, butterfly why do you roam? Will you stay in my garden? Will you make it your home?"

On that night, I understood the song better than I ever had before. It was just as calming for me as it was her. In that quiet moment after she dozed off and I just held her close, I realized that we all need a place to call home. We all need that place, that connection, that assurance that we belong, we matter, we are seen, we are heard, we are loved.

It has been 10 years now that I have been her mom. I also added her brother a year later. I know that in just a few years she will roam, flitting off the live the life destined for her. My prayer is that she will always be able to find home, and that one day she can share the lullaby with her own little butterfly.

The greatest feeling in the world is knowing that I have the privilege to pass on my story, my love, my security to my children. Giving them the memories and traditions that shaped me is living history. Seeing my kiddos faces when they wake up on birthday morning with the table decorated for them, having them at 12 and 14 crawl into my bed and ask to sleep with me for comfort, and thinking back on all the memories we have made together reminds me that while I had no permanent address as a child, my family was my home. Passing that sense of comfort and love onto my children in priceless. So no matter how far we roam, we can take our garden with us.