Burmp and Karen

I have until the big shiny thing in the sky touches the ground to turn this pile of sticks into a fire. If I don’t, Burmp will take one of the bones from one of the mammoths she caught, the thick tree trunk-looking one as long as me, and hit me in the head with it. She promised to do that if I didn’t win the fire-making contest. The winner gets a coat made out of tiger fur, a stick that when you shake it makes it rain, and a VERY shiny rock. So I told Burmp I would win it for her. But here’s something I should have thought about before I made that promise: I have no clue how to make fire.

But I made that promise anyway, because Burmp is the largest, scariest woman I have ever met and I am madly in love with her.

The giant shiny ball in the sky is about a hand’s width up from where the ground meets the sky, if I stick my hand all the way out. Once it goes all the way down, it becomes black everywhere and I can’t see anything. But just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean it isn’t there: I’ll still be surrounded by other people trying to make fire and the contest will be over, no one will get to shake the stick, no one will get to stare at that shiny rock, no one will get to wear that coat and pretend to be a tiger. Including Burmp.

It makes me feel better that no one else seems able to make fire, either. We’ve all seen it before: sometimes white-hot lines scream out of the sky and hit a tree, and I think the giant shiny ball in the sky (I have got to come up with a name for that thing) is made out of it. But I have no idea if a person could just…make fire, as crazy as that sounds. All I know is that it’s super hot, and when I rub two sticks together for some reason they also get hot, so maybe if I make it really, really hot a small fire will come out of the sticks? I don’t know. Burmp said it made sense.

My plan makes as much sense as anyone else. Flark, to my right, is running around in a circle as fast as he can, shouting “FIRE!” He’s been doing this non-stop all day now, which is maybe more impressive than making fire in the first place. Wurp, on my other side, thinks that if he can make two rocks really angry they will burst into flames. And Tarf, maybe my strongest competition, is pointing very sternly at a pile of grass.

None of them have even come close, and to be honest I’m not doing much better. So far the only heat I’ve made is that burning feeling in my wrists from seven straight hours of twisting these twigs together. At one point I might have noticed a little finger of smoke, but that might have been the salty water that comes out of my skin whenever I get tired. Which is the last thing I need, because the rumor going around is that fire HATES water, and I am covered in it right now. It doesn’t help that Burmp is silently staring at me, pounding her fist into her palm.

I would do anything for that woman.

Including winning this stupid contest. I don’t even like fire that much. It’s so hot. I don’t see any reason to cook meat that’s perfectly fine the way it is coming out of a mammoth, and I don’t need to see at night. What are people trying to see at night, anyway? Dark stuff? People are dumb.

WHAM

GA-CHUNK

WOOMP WOOMP WOOMP WOOMP

BrrrzzzBrrrrzzzVrrrrrrrmpClickClick *shomp*

The shiniest, smoothest, biggest rock just came out of nowhere. It’s the biggest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s the size of…ten mammoths. And smoother than…a really smooth mammoth. I’m not even sure it’s a rock. I just know it’s a thing, and it’s right in front of me. More specifically right on top of Tarf, so there goes my competition. The rock is perched on three skinny little legs that have poked into the ground. Smoke, as if from a fire (???) is billowing out of the bottom of it. A skinny little ledge descends down to the ground. Walking down that ledge are the shiniest, smoothest, biggest people I’ve ever seen.

There is something on their skin that is almost glowing, constantly changing color and sparkling like a river at noon. They’re so tall, nearly as tall as Burmp, but with much thinner arms, walking more upright, and covered in much, much less hair. Covering their eyes are black ovals with arms that loop around to their ears. I can’t see what kind of expression they have on their faces-am I in danger? The slightly larger one, I think the male, is opening his mouth wide, exposing his teeth in that classic display of aggression-

“KAREN!”

“OH MY GOD KAREN WE FOUND THEM!”

The male-looking one is holding a small black rectangle covered in what sort of looks like leather, filled with the thinnest rectangles I’ve ever seen. He keeps rubbing it with a long, smooth thing, over and over again, making tiny scratching noises.

“KAREN EVERYONE’S GOING TO BE SO JELLY!”

The female one, this one must be called “Karen”, is staring at her own black rectangle, except this one’s harder and shedding an odd glow on her face. She’s ignoring him. I can’t see what she is looking at but it must be very enchanting. Like…I don’t know, wheels? Agriculture? Women love that kind of stuff.

*flash*

The Karen’s rectangle just EXPLODED with light! The way it erupts with pure fire like that, the way it completely seizes her attention-surely her rectangle is the most powerful thing in the world!

“Karen, are you seeing this? This is what I’ve been talking about this whole trip!”

“Mmmmkay.”

The woman has the most powerful thing in the world in the palm of her hands so she is not paying attention to us. The man just stares at her for a moment, his teeth still bared, as if looking at her like that for long enough will make her interested, too. Interesting strategy. Whenever I want Burmp to look at me, I start to eat some of her food. Works every time.

“Karen, this is what I’ve been telling you about! The little guys who first figured out how to make fire! Remember, we were watching that History Holo about it?”

He’s holding his own rectangle in front of her now, showing her the little scratches he made. Poor guy, his rectangle is way more boring than hers. Hers can glow on one side and explode with light on the other, and when you tap it a bunch with your thumbs it makes a little “ding” noise. His black rectangle? It can…you can make little scratches on it.

“Mmmmkay.”

He sighs and puts his book back inside his shiny pants. He looks like he feels really stupid, which is ridiculous: he’s in a cool shiny suit, living in a cool shiny rock. This guy would be my tribe’s alpha in a heartbeat. But his mate? She’s got that neat little rectangle that I kind of want to worship, but I bet she can’t hunt for him, or defend him from bears, or win the annual “Husband Throwing” contest, like my Burmp. All she seems interested in is looking at what must be new and creative ways to cook animals.

Wait.

Did I see smoke coming out of the shiny rock’s butt?

Because smoke…we’ve recently made this discovery…comes from fire!

I bet these fancy people know all about fire!

I start frantically waving my arms, making all the noises that I think might mean “fire” in whatever language they're speaking. Pointing at my stick, pointing at the giant shiny thing in the sky, waving my arms around in smooth squiggly lines like flames and roaring and making crackling noises like I’ve seen fire make-

It’s not working. The guy is as confused as me. He turns from Karen, who still hasn’t looked up from her all-powerful rectangle, over to me, who’s trying his best to imitate a tree on fire and doing a really bad job.

I turn to Burmp, looking for help. She always seems to know what to do when I’m in trouble, but she couldn’t be less interested. She’s turned away, playing her favorite game “Hit Little Rock With Big Rock”. Not gonna lie, I’m pretty jealous. That game’s awesome.

I turn back to the male, who’s again trying to gain the attention of his mate. “Sorry babe, this has been a real bust. Your turn next, do you want to go to the Spanish inquisition or see the 1986 Celtics?”

“Mmmmkay.”

I get the feeling they are about to leave. I feel bad; I kind of like him. And I really like his bored, all-powerful partner, The Mighty Karen with her magical rectangle of infinite attention.

“We should at least leave them with a gift, I think we squashed one of them. What should we leave?”

I still don’t understand the words they’re saying, but I am perfectly fluent in “people want to give me free stuff”. I start pointing excitedly at Karen’s magic rectangle, can you imagine the kind of fire I would be able to make with that thing?

The man gets a twinkle in his eye.

“Who knows what they would do with this?”

He tosses me his thing. It unfolds clumsily at my feet, opening up to skinny white rectangles with little black scratches. I like this guy, but he has very poor choices in rectangles.

Karen then reaches into her own shiny pants, and for the briefest moment I think she’s going to give me one of those rectangles of infinite knowledge, power, and sex appeal. Instead, she pulls out a bundle of strange green strips. The man starts to protest, but she puts a finger to his lips and shushes him.

“Trust me, Ken. They need it more than we do.”

She tosses the bundle to me. I give the strips a closer look. Each has a picture of the same old guy, and on the other side is the fanciest mountain I’ve ever seen. In each of the corners is a thin line with two circles. How many did she give? Let’s see… if you put one strip on each of my fingers and toes, and made that a pile, I would have as many piles as all my fingers.

We have got to come up with a way to describe how many of something there is. Right after we name the giant shiny sky-ball.

But wait! Fire! While I was counting these stupid green things the shiny people must have left, and the giant shiny rock is now above us shooting out fire from its butt! What a waste! If I had that magic rectangle I’d be able to catch it!

But I don’t. I just have this other one.

The giant shiny sky-ball is now below where the earth meets the sky, and all is dark.

Except…

A tiny little spark lands on my rectangle. It settles a bit, and begins eating into the white rectangles. It is suddenly very hot and very orange. Carefully, I move it over to the woman’s green strips, and watch in wonder as I become The Master of Fire.

I wiggle my eyebrows at Burmp.