Bruised Canvas

How can I explain what it felt like? How can I sit here and explain something that I let happen and some how not blame myself? I didn’t call the police, I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t care. I kept making excuses for the pain, that way I could convince myself it didn’t exist.

At one point you were my everything. You were my stars, my roots, my flowers, and everything in between. You were perfect. You were a perfect person because you were my person. But, it was all a fantasy.

You were my stars. I didn't notice the thunderstorms and the lies rolling in to cover you up. You were my roots, but your were the root of my heartbreak, endless panic attacks, and fucking cacti with thorns the size of swords but I never noticed the wounds. You were my flowers, but every pedal fell along with every girl you brought home when I was gone.

You were my in between – Between sadness and happiness and I regret ever giving you that power to choose for me. People who love you are supposed to fight to choose happiness. But most the time you allowed me to be sad so you didn't have to sacrifice the happiness I CHOSE FOR YOU. You're a tragedy that I transformed into a love story. You were all in my mind and I will always love you. I think that's what I hate the most.

I fell on the floor and hit my jaw. I hit my head on the car and gave myself a bruise. I rolled off the bed and hit my eye on the bedside table. I twisted my ankle falling down the stairs. I did everything, I caused every single one of my injuries. I accused him of cheating, I deserved it. I talked back to him, I deserved it. I wouldn’t have sex with him, I deserved it. I wouldn’t do what he asked, I deserved it. I DESERVED IT. YES. I DESERVED ALL OF IT.

He built these walls between what’s real and what’s not. He decided what was reality and what was fantasy. He built towers and buildings for me to stand on. That way no one could see the truth. These weren’t your average walls and buildings. He built the walls out of this rare marble and stone. It was so beautiful but it was being held together by glue and clothes pins. He built the buildings and towers out of the finest brick and metal he could find. But it was being held together by tape and staples. It was so fragile but so fucking mesmerizing. Yet, it was built on lies and bullshit. The ideas he planted in my head that the bruises I received FROM him were MY fault were just as deep as the flowers he planted inside my heart. That's the reason I fell in love with him. The only problem was that the flowers he planted inside me came with thorns and I kept bleeding when I held him. But I couldn't let go because he was just so beautiful.

Come to find out that the flowers were fake but the scars I received were very real. I was such a fool to keep watering them. I wasted so much time and I wasted so many drops of water I didn’t have. Just to keep my fake plants alive. Just like I let him pretend to love me because he would spend so much time just to stay. I thought since he put in so much effort than the love he claimed to have must've been real. But again, he was just a fake flower with real thorns. I was so exhausted, the blood eventually stained my shirt, and I was constantly reminded of the truth. He was hitting me and abusing me day after day. I gave him so many excuses to change his ways but fake plants don’t grow and fake love doesn’t last.