Broken on the Inside...

Life is complicated. From a young age my life has been one complicated mess, full of challenges and changes that have molded me into what I am today.

I was born in the late 70s to a struggling poor family. My birth father died when I was so young that I do not remember him. My mother struggled with me until about age 5. We sometimes lived on the street and with friends. She tried her best but we never had much food or anything. We struggled daily, not knowing what would happen. I was born with a foot condition where I had to wear specialized orthopedic shoes to reshape my feet from a very young age. I was teased a lot for it. Doctors told me I’d have to learn to walk again, and did, despite people telling me I’d have limitations. Years later I ran track at school and won races. Due to my lack of nutrition, my eyesight suffered leaving me with extreme visual problems from a very young age. I wore very thick glasses that causes pain and headaches at times. My body suffered too as I grew with muscle crampings that would be excruciating for hours. My birth mother tried so hard to love and care for me but she couldn’t do it all the time. She suffered from a mental illness as well that limited her too.

Eventually child services took me at age 5 and a half and passed me through many foster homes. In one foster home, I was sexually assaulted many times, scarring me for life. I still struggle with love and trust to this day because of this. I felt like I always stood on the outside of existence in each home looking inward at others’ lives that I was the 5th wheel in each.

At age 8, I was adopted and brought into a home as a son fully. It was not easy for me as I felt like an outsider still. They tried to live me the best they could. My adoptive father was the best. My adoptive mother tried, but never seemed to be there as much for me. I felt estranged still. Growing up was difficult, missing my original family and watching others with natural born happy families daily. Something I could never relate to at all. I was thrust into the church environment fully. I knew from around 9 that I was different. I was attracted to my male counterparts. My southern Baptist upbringing constantly preached hell fire and brimstone for even thinking about these thoughts. I grew up tormented with hearing how a gay person would never find happiness and how they would burn for their sinful lifestyles. I kept my secret for years, pretending to be “normal” according to my parents and church.

In college at age 21, I came out finally, and the worst happened. My adoptive mother told me I was her greatest disappointment and my parents disowned me, kicked me out of the family, and left me on my own. I left school and had started working in local television work. Unbenouced to my coworkers, I was homeless for a while after my family disowned me. I struggled to keep my sanity, contemplating suicide many times.

I eventually found my footing and started to get my life together. I went through many rocky relationships, some with abuse and constantly finding people that would leave me or take advantage of me. I eventually got married then left a year later in a messy divorce. Love has never been something I knew well or trusted in 100 percent. I want to, but every time always hurt me.

Two different employers in my life have allowed discrimination and harassment against me. I learned trying to fight these injustices caused a target to be painted on my back. Big corporations have teams of people designed to “save face” when these allegations arise. Each time, I was painted as the bad guy, despite my proven work record. It became less about my work and accomplishments and more about silencing the whistle blower.

My life has currently led to to where I am at this moment.... Full of questions and empty answers. I don’t fully understand why people do the things they do to others in the name of religion, power, fame, for money or whatnot. Right now I take it one day at a time, hoping tomorrow will bring me some answers or show me a brighter path. Where am I headed next? Do I trust what tomorrow will bring something good? I don’t know. All I know fully is that a hole is broken inside me from a very young age that has been chipped away at for years by so many that it’s bigger and hurts when the wind blows through it.