Broken Chapter 9

It’s amazing how the little things can prompt so many memories to come flooding back to you. Brief conversations, places, objects, songs, sometimes your mind just wants you remember. Remember things you’d forgotten pushed to the back of your mind, sensations your body had forgotten they had once revelled in. The human body mesmerises and yet confuses me, especially with someone whose mind is so complex.

As I step off the bus into the freshly fallen rain and my body is overcome with a sensation I had long forgotten, like someone was biting my lip with passion and an image in my mind of the person that had prompted this memory. Of late we had gotten back in contact and started to talk like things hadn’t changed. This person, till now, I had repressed every feeling and memory I had involving them: Baby Nips.

After distancing myself from dating and dwelling on my past ventures I had lost my sex drive, so for this wave of hormones to come over me so suddenly took me back. I found myself smiling uncontrollably in public which I quickly tried to hide. It always makes me feel uncomfortable when my emotions get the better of me in front of people. As much as I hate to admit, he always had this effect on me, even still.

We’d spoken intermittently the past week, just flowing like we did before. But something has changed between us in the time apart. He’d become less affectionate and I was somewhat sordid within myself from my writing, and distancing myself from people had made me more grounded. Anyone else I wouldn’t have given the time of day to; maybe it was because he was so good to me or maybe it was because I still had some degree of attachment to him. It hadn’t been long since I'd written the chapter about him. In hindsight I think I was detached from the situation and reluctant to remember what it had been like with him.

Memories of our most intimate moments were flooding back to me just after a day of speaking to him again, memories I had been trying for the past two months to repress. I am sure of myself and the place I am at this moment in time I would be fine revisiting without any negative repercussions. I am feeling really good about myself.

I sit back reeling from the images that crossed my mind. I had forgotten how passionate we had once been with each other. How a brief kiss could have us overcome with raw animal passion. My hand cupping the side of his face, his hand around the nape of my neck, as we pull away from each other for a second. Staring into his sky blue eyes, biting his lip with bated breath. Those kisses were my favourite. Lip biting, hands flowing over their body, raw kisses.

He was always such a gentleman but in those moments overcome with emotion I could see a dark side in him that was just waiting to be released.

It is rare to find that kind of kiss with someone, where everything you do is ticking all the boxes for the other, like they are matched so well. A bad kiss for you can tell you what everything else with that person will be in the future. It is a rare thing to find someone that from the first second gets exactly what your body wants, it just clicks. Probably a small handful of people I’ve dated. Baby Nips was one of them. From the gentle kisses, sex fuelled kisses, reassuring forehead kisses to the goodbye kisses.

It was the same with every aspect of our relationship, inside and outside of the bedroom. Our humour, conversations, feelings to a degree.

Earlier on in the day I looked at my phone to another notification from him to have a flashback. Laying in my bed before I had to go to work, watching stupid pet fails that had both of us crying with laughter. Being so comfortable with someone that I could laugh like that and not care what they thought wasn’t a common occurrence.

He been a fan of my bedroom since he first stayed at mine; it’s always been my little sanctuary and I guessed it became his as we started dating. I have the basement room which was my choice when I was the first person to move in. After months of problems I had gotten it to state that I loved. From the geeky décor to the sound system I had implemented. It was dark, cosy and its character made it hard not to fall in love with.

We would spend a lot of time upstairs cuddled up in front of the TV watching films but the moment we get into my bed, it was hard to get us out of it. It wasn’t even about the sex, it was more spending time next to each other, bodies intertwined, making the most of the time we had together. Even when we spent a weekend together it never felt like enough. It always felt rushed or like my work schedule was stopping us. In that bubble we’d create every weekend I felt safe, happy, and the most at peace I had in months. He could tell me anything and it wouldn’t bother me. He told me very early on that he was recently married which was a slight shock, but I never pushed for information about it. I could tell there was some feelings still there, maybe bitterness, but I knew otherwise. I couldn’t expect someone who had been a big part of his life to just disappear as he knew the feelings I had for my ex weren’t completely extinguished.

Remembering the moments before I had to go to work and pulling him back on to the bed, I’d wrap my arms around him. Sitting in silence with his head on my chest. The last time I laid there in silence with him was when I realised my walls had come down entirely, he was under my skin. But even at that moment I knew I had screwed things up trying to define what we were. I knew he was slipping away from me. As soon as I had gotten what I wanted, it was crumbling away in front of my eyes. That last kiss goodbye was laced with the least amount of passion I had felt from him. I guess that’s what spiralled me into paranoia

I can’t put into words the kind of person he was, it’s like it is stuck in my mind and I know what I want to say but I can’t do him justice. The perfect good guy. Soft, reassuring, funny, genuine, passionate, open.

Speaking to him lately it seems like that has gone. Still funny but there is something different. Whether it was from what happened between us or something different, I hoped that side of him hadn’t gone completely. It’s rare for a guy in this day and age to be anything other than a fuckboy.

The chapter today has been prompted by him actually; he found out I had written this book. Obviously his jokey and inquisitive nature deducted that he was featured. I wouldn’t tell him the author name or the nature. I loved torturing him not knowing how he was portrayed. But it is strange to me that he initially thought he would be made out to be a villain. Nothing he had done to me made me think of him in a negative way. In hindsight he had helped, stopping us from ruining something that could have been catastrophic if we both continued. Neither of us was ready for a relationship at that point in time.

I was trying to be vague because the truth was I didn’t want him to read the chapters about him; they were personal and intimate. If the feelings weren’t reciprocated I’d just feel uncomfortable and things wouldn’t be fixable. A small part of me still hoped that things may change for us. The smallest part, maybe because he was the only person who had treated me well in a while and that I had felt a connection too. The way we spoke lately didn’t give any sign of it, and if we were just to be friends I didn’t want what I had wrote to change that.

I had said, "Let’s just say I wrote it recently and you were portrayed correctly."

His response threw me: "so I’m portrayed as the guy that fucked you over."

I didn’t make sense to me how he could think of himself in that light, even after I reassured him. He kept trying to get information from me about the book and where it was published. I had gone to great lengths to hide my identity and of the people I had written about. Why was he so keen to see what I’d written? If it’s not negative what benefit would there be for him to read what I have felt and still feel.

This is where other people’s intentions and feelings confuse me. I have often wondered what it would be like revisiting some of my past relationships, torturing myself with what could be and if it would be better? Worse? I think everyone at some point has felt like this about an ex, it’s only natural. But as my mother always says, "They are an ex for a reason, if it was meant to be fixed then why was it broken in the first place?"

The thing with myself and Baby Nips was there wasn’t a thing to break in the first place; we never gave it a go. There are people out there, even people I know, that have parted and came back together stronger. But what you have to remind yourself, it’s a 1 percent in a sea of 99 percent disaster. Hope is never a bad thing, but the second time round, 1 percent is a fairy tale. It may have worked for those couples but I can’t help but think it wouldn’t for me. Things never worked out that way for me.

The only thing for me to do is to put it to bed and hope that he finds someone that will appreciate everything that he is. The memories and sensations of our intimate moments will have to be filed away in the deepest recesses of my mind to be forgotten once again, I can revisit them with fondness knowing that for a brief time he brought a happiness I had missed for a long time, him letting me go was a lesson I needed to love myself, be alone and move on. I can’t thank him enough for not continuing on something just because it seemed like the right thing to do. For that I will always have the deepest respect and admiration for him.

If you do ever manage to track this down, thank you, Baby Nips. I guess you found out that after all you were never the villain in our story. But my knight in shining armour that I needed at that point in my life. You allowed me to find myself again. Now I’m sat here with a smile on my face knowing I am finally getting back to the person I was before my ex. You never know what the future will hold. But I truly hope you found happiness and someone to love you like you deserve. I will always hold a special place for you in my heart.