Breathe in breathe out

My brain was the monster, whispering prophecies of death and destruction.

I pushed them down as far as I could but it just stifled my breathing.

The quiet was loud but my thoughts were louder

the 'what if' hamster wouldn't stop spinning on its wheel

breathe in breathe out

Get off, I tell him, go find something else to do.

His legs keep on running, my body is exhausted but my mind can't sleep.

How am I so alone but can't find space to breathe?

I feel useless and start to believe this monster is right, I'm not worthy.

breathe in breathe out

I shake my head hard, hoping to make the thoughts fly out of my ears

But that isn't how it works is it? I've had this brain for so long and it knows better

I can't let it win, I have to keep fighting

The devil may be strong but I am stronger

breathe in breathe out

Come here little ones, let me embrace you

the arms of my kids were more valuable then jewels around my neck

their laughs are the soundtrack of motherhood

Is it enough to stop my racing mind?

breathe in breathe out

If it's not, the guilt is there greet me

It comes like a punch in the gut, all my senses are ringing

Be grateful, Be grateful, Be grateful

But it's not easy and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

breathe in breathe out

Thoughts of the ocean help drown my fears,

I hear the seagulls and feel the sand

I pour myself a cup of hot coffee and feel the steam on my cheeks

The wind blows and my body relaxes

breathe in breathe out

I'm a work in progress, a story being written in Microsoft

I'm editing and changing the narrative, deleting and rewriting the tale

I can't change the history but can change the future

breathe in breathe out

and so I do, breathe in breathe out, one day at a time

I move moment to moment instead of worry to worry

I tell the monster to go away, and sometimes he does

I look in the mirror and smile, try for another day.

breathe in breathe out