Breakups during the Apocalypse. Do or don’t?

Okay first things first, are you deeply in love with this significant other or not? If you have fallen out of love and can’t stand them then this article isn’t for you because it’s pretty clear you should leave. Look, I’ll offer one piece of advice; if you know you have fallen out of love and that special something isn’t there, then you’re only going to make yourself (and them) more miserable the longer you stick around. Rip off the bandaid and let yourself and your soon-to-be ex be free to find happiness, love and passion - you both deserve that!

If you’re in the other boat where you love this person but are having doubts, then I’m sure you’ve read the myriad of articles such as “5 Tell-tale signs your relationship is over” , “QUIZ: Breakup or Makeup” or the good ol’ “How to Repair Trust in a Relationsip”.

Whatever the case is, and regardless of what has led you to this point (because it really isn’t that important unless there was serious abuse going on) then there are four key aspects to consider when contemplating whether your relationship is salvageable, or if you’ll be saying Good-bye Felicia and toss that chapter in the bin!

First things first, when I say it doesn’t matter what led you here, I really mean it. The tiffs, arguments, words said when hurt or perhaps even bouts of dishonesty and disloyalty, the specifics aren’t really that relevant as it isn’t about focusing on the past it’s about assessing whether you can rebuild a safe space and healthy dynamic between you two moving forward. If you rather dwell on specifics or constantly bring up the past then I suggest working through that with couples therapy or solo therapy. It’s my view that whatever happened that lead you both there, it takes two to tango and if you love one another it should be about having a shared goal of creating a safe space and heal those wounds through compassion, empathy, trust and love.

Once the healing process starts and those wounds recover, the specific action of what caused them won’t seem so significant as it is the wound itself which needs repairing; not finger pointing at one another saying “you did this”. The only reason someone acts out is because they are feeling triggered and their own wounds are being poked so let’s just put down the blame game and focus on moving forward.

The four things to consider when deciding what to do and if it’s repairable (if you’ve assessed these things and are still unsure: therapy):

1. Look inward

Okay sure, your partner has been a bit of an A$$ and done some questionable things to hurt you, but people don’t act out for no reason.

I’m not dismissing bad behaviour, but I’m asking you whether you’re willing to also look inward ( you’re going to be asking them to self-reflect too) and identify some personal behaviours (or coping mechanisms) which may be triggering your partner. Before you take the next step to healing a relationship you need to be willing to put in the work you expect of them, and it may be small things such as accusing them of being unfaithful when you feel triggered by lack of text replies, or constantly bringing up a past wound which in turn is making them feel shame (where no forward solutions are offered). These things can be unhelpful when trying to create a safe space as your partner may be having their own wounds triggers which is causing their equally unhelpful coping mechanisms coming to light (ie; pushing back and not replying to texts, shutting you down when you want to bring up a past issue on their part).

The one thing and first thing to consider is this; are you willing to at least try and take on feedback and empathise with how your behaviours may be affecting your partner even when you’re the one hurting? If you love them deeply and can at least give it a go, then you’re on the right track so keep reading to point 2.

2. Are you holding onto an idea or do you know this person and love them for who they are.

Okay so look, you’ve probably heard this a million times but are you holding on and trying to create a happy relationship in the hopes that they will be a version of themself that they’re just not? Or have you experienced a safe and happy relationship with this person and you KNOW the real them and the capability you two have?

If they have never been the person you need to feel fulfilled, then chances are they aren’t ever going to be. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, they just might not be a super affectionate person where you have a need for affection and find yourself constantly struggling/pleading for it.

If your love languages conflict each other’s needs and you’ve never experienced a period of time where things are healthy, then you might be bashing your head against a brick wall for longer than needed and trust me, that’s only going to cause bruising. Figure out where you stand with this point and act accordingly.

3. Resentment

Being upset, frustrated or angry is totally normal. But looking at your partner and feeling totally disgusted and distant because the wounds have gotten so deep that you find it literally impossible to empathise? Thats resentment and that’s a problem.

If you assess all the other points and feel deep down you love this person and want to work through this, then I suggest talking to a professional where you will learn tools to overcome this feeling and open your heart again. It will take a lot of empathy and vulnerability but if you want this then you have to let go of the resentment and be willing to put your heart on the line.

It’s totally normal to feel this way and is a very natural coping mechanism to being wounded, but you definitely can learn tools to overcome resentment and will need to do so to find a way forward and end the toxic cycle you two might be in. Don’t think it’s the be all and end all of you feel resentment, but acknowledge that it is really closing the book and opportunities to healing and finding a happy future with this person.

4. Have you set healthy boundaries or have they been crossed?

When you feel wounded and have been hurt, it can reduce your self-worth and self-esteem to a point where you allow your boundaries to be crossed.

The first thing is to set clear boundaries with your partner in a calm and objective way ie; maybe your partner cancels plans last minute and that really hurts you, or maybe they follow a myriad of “Insta-chicks” which makes you feel uncomfortable and embarrassed? Identify your needs and non-negotiables and set clear boundaries using language such as “I feel hurt when our plans are cancelled last minute and I would really appreciate it if you let me know a couple of days in advance. What do you think?”. Always ask them to talk about how they feel about that boundary.

If you have a conversation with your partner and clearly express how you feel and what your boundaries are and find them constantly dismissing them, then maybe it’s time to move on. If it’s only happened once or twice then it will depend on whether you want to give them another chance (I’m a big believer in forgiveness and giving things a go) but you will need to express how it makes you feel when your boundaries are crossed in a different way to what you have. As the saying goes, you can’t keep doing the same thing over and over the same way and expect a different result and when your boundaries keep being crossed, it will reduce your self-worth and self-esteem which isn’t good for anyone.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to look deep within and understand what you love about this person and whether you see the potential of a happy, healthy relationship. It’s also important to understand whether you can also contribute to creating a safe space as you’ve probably been doing things which trigger your partner too

These four things are just a starting point and after long term relationships there are many layers to work-through and years of wounds. These four considerations will hopefully help you assess whether you are able to work through those starting blocks, or are fed-up and done (if you find yourself thinking ugh, I don’t want to do any of this work because they did xyz then maybe it isn’t the best relationship to be in).

If you are still unsure of what you can and can’t handle or work through then therapy can offer insights and tools to help you work through your wounds, and identify what you want from your relationship. If you feel comfortable then maybe start with the first point: look inward and identify some behaviours which may be triggering your partner and tell your partner you acknowledge that and want to create a safe space. You might be really surprised.