Break Ups Before Self-Care?
My ex of four years left me. This is how I coped, before “self-care.”
Break ups are hard. They even feel impossible at times... and honestly, when I read posts or watch youtubers talking about how to get through a breakup, I hate hearing “just focus on yourself, self care...” Yes, of course, that’s true. But what I really wanted to know was how to get through the pain before the self care? This is what I learned.
1. Cry. You really do feel better. There were so many times I wanted to cry, but stopped myself and some times would look in the mirror staring into my own eyes. Literally just watching myself tear up and then swallow.
When I let myself cry, almost every time, I would just randomly stop. And yeah, you eventually stop after a couple minutes, but I mean just really stop. Like it just turns off, and I feel all the pain going silent. I’m relieved of the burden (the depression) for a while.
2. Go sit outside. I’m not gonna say clear your head because really, who can do that while in serious distress and heartache? I personally thought about what I’m going to do in my free time and reminded myself the things I like about me has an individual.
3. Talk. To. Your. Friends, family. This was difficult for me, because I didn’t want to feel like I was bothering anyone. I also felt embarrassed, and too shy to talk about it. Can I cry, can I go into detail, can I show photos or texts, how much can I say? Talking is a big step, it’s uncomfortable and you’re already vulnerable... and do you really want people to know?
4. Convince yourself that letting go is actually good for you, that this breakup is actually beneficial. Talk to yourself and look objectively. What needs were not being fulfilled? Was fighting and crying really worth the person, and giving up the things you wanted? Were you emotionally, mentally, or verbally abused? Think about it, were you treated right?
5. Out of sight, out of mind. Just delete everything. Unfriend them on social media. Don’t put yourself in a position where you could be exposed to triggers, and DO NOT stay friends at first. Wait until you’re completely okay on your own and over it, assuming you even want to be friends after the dust has settled.
It got to the point for me that my ex had both sides of me, friend and girlfriend and I don’t mean that in a good way. He kept the benefits of having a girlfriend but also played the “we aren't dating” card whenever he wanted to, because things weren’t easy. Your ex can’t have both. They wanted to break up, that’s their decision, don’t let them be on the fence. You’re being used.
6. Try not to hate your ex. When you’re able to talk highly of your ex when people ask about them, that’s how you know you’re getting to a good place.
7. If you’re gonna eat, go workout. I lost 32 pounds, got a cute hair cut, and I feel so... dang.. good.. I remember saying to a friend, “thank god my confidence is really high right now, or this break up would have destroyed me.” If you are not gonna workout, then at least go for a walk. I had so much anxiety during my break up, I couldn’t even handle sitting in a movie theater. I got myself to the park after about three weeks of just not being a functioning human... and that alone felt great. But then... I walked a full lap and I felt like a hero. I was proud that I was able to do that, such a simple thing.
Eventually you get to a point where self care comes naturally. You think to yourself, “forget this” and go do something you like. If I started feeling down, I cheered myself up. I turned off the lights, put music and danced like crazy. I got myself ice cream, and did my nails, and worked out, or cooked, etc.
You will be okay in time, and that is the only thing anyone can promise you.