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Books To Read If You're Recently Widowed

There is no singular way for a recent widow to mourn, but plenty of books to help you move forward.

By George GottPublished 7 years ago 5 min read
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Death is the ultimate equalizer.

For all its suffering and heartbreak, there's beauty in the commonality of loss within the human experience. Less beautiful is the paralyzing fear you feel after losing a loved one that you won't, can't, move forward.

The grief trope of moping or wallowing in despair is misleading; resilience and the desire to achieve are evolutionary impulses encoded in our DNA. The newly bereaved–specifically widows–often misinterpret their current stagnancy as a permanent purgatory, when it's really just a matter of finding a community of other widows that seems most fitting for your practical and emotional priorities.

There is no singular panacea book to make the pain go away. Instead, there are many such books for recent widows; each one of which speaks to groups that have more in common than the untimely passing of their husband or wife.

"I got kicked out of my widows' support group."

Laughing through sadness is cathartic. People who haven't dealt with the same level of grief might be ill-equipped to understand how to be a good friend to a widow, or how to be a 'good widow' themselves, whatever that means. Becky Aikman's widow memoir Saturday Night Widows describes a beautiful group of friends born out of the ugliest of times in each of their lives.

Just because funerals are sad doesn't mean a widow or bereaved person won't laugh at a casket fiasco or the thought of a lost hearse driver mistakenly leading a funeral procession. Victoria Zackhem compiled Exit Laughing so that grievers can collectively reflect and guffaw over those ridiculous, morbidly hysterical parts of death that they were too miserable to recognize as it was happening to them. Comedy, after all, is tragedy plus time.

“It is the most horrific thought—my husband died among strangers.”

To be privy to someone's personal grief is one of the most intimate exchanges in the human experience. Sometimes a widow's account is existential, poetic, and sometimes its a morbid but acutely honest observation. Joyce Carol Oates lets us know in A Widow's Story that she is a prolific writer and a human being who has experienced extreme highs and deep lows in her account as a widow.

“Blue skies can be misleading.”

Carole Radziwill embraces both the gut wrenching grief that is widowhood, as well as the euphoric salvation that comes with realizing you're ready to move on. The Real Housewife of New York writes of a fictional character exploring all the good, bad and ugly on her quest for new love in A Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating. This is a book for widows who need to hear that no, there's no right time to start dating again, and yes, moving on will feel sad and empowering and bad and, ultimately, transformative.

"Why didn't anyone ever tell me it would be like this?"

Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, an author and widow, fills the need she noticed in her own like with her book Widow to Widow. She answer questions you feel awkward asking, dispels the myths and breaks the rules, encouraging widows to begin anew when and how she wants to.

"David Foster Wallace's suicide turned him into a 'celebrity writer dude', which would have made him wince."

Most books for widows focus primarily on advice for the bereaved to move forward and less so on how to regard the deceased. Karen Green, who was married to David Foster Wallace until he died of suicide, veers from the traditional narrative in her memoir Bough Down. As the next of kin to a venerated and celebrated American author, Green struggled to balance the complexity of grieving her husband's passing while also making sure to keep his widely discussed legacy the way Wallace himself would have wanted it. How does someone balance public relations with personal pain?

Sleeping sprawled out on the bed. Having a really good photograph taken of you. Sunny yellow napkins.

I won't pretend that grieving is easy. It's a process, and an emotionally taxing one. It helps, though, to take breaks from the morbidity and remind yourself that life is actually pretty freaking great.

14,000 Things to Be Happy About by Barbara Ann Kipfer is exactly what it sounds like. This book lists all the small things in life that most people take for granted, and is a perfect outlet for widows to remember that life ebbs and flows but ultimately, just choose to be happy so that you don't have to be sad.

"Some may find my story unbelievable. Initially, I found it that way too."

Whether or not someone believes in the afterlife deeply impacts how they deal with grief. I certainly understand if a newly grieving woman is put off by a fellow widow chronicling her supernatural reunion with her deceased husband; it can feel forced, unfamiliar and devoid of actual advice.

But Anne Marie Higgins approaches this concept from a scientific perspective in Dancing in Two Realms, which works to relieves any disconcertion. This longtime nurse practitioner and widow describes unexpected communication with her late husband which led her toward an eventual transformation from agnostic to believer. Higgins acknowledges that her experience is difficult to grasp, and tells a beautiful story from which widows of any and all belief systems can derive comfort and inspiration.

"What works for one person may not work for another. So, you can’t necessarily talk to someone who has been through something similar and know for sure that the path they found through it will also be yours."

Despite an author's good intentions, self-help books can sometimes have an unintendid effect of being too idealistic and end up making readers feel like they're the only ones who can't get their lives together after tragedy. Catherine Tidd uses humor and honesty in her Confessions of a Mediocre Widow and drops all pretenses of being an authority on how to be the perfect widow because–lets face it, everyones just trying to make it through the day.

“After the death of a parent, children will typically start to worry about your safety as their mother, so they will need extra reassurance from you.”

Dealing with the death of a spouse is a uniquely difficult experience, even more so if there are children in the picture; a widow must deal with their personal anguish while maintaining a sense of stability for the sake of her kids. Social worker Kristin Meekhof tackles both the logistical and emotional components of newly widowed life in A Widow's Guide to Healing. The guidelines are a product of Meekhof's professional and personal experiences adn conversations she's had with widows all across the country and is an important book for widows at the beginning of their adjustment to their new reality.

"Do not feel like you are destined to live in a place of grief and sorrow forever, as it is a destiny that you did not choose."

At no age is it easy to lose the love of your life, but perhaps there are unique stressors for younger widows; financial complications, remarrying, fertility, and child-rearing. Carole Brody Fleet addresses this very demographic in her book Widows Wear Stilettos, offering insight and practical tools for young widows to keep moving forward.

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About the Creator

George Gott

Writer & Social Media Editor for Jerrickmedia who is an avid reader of sci-fi and a fierce defender of women, minority, and LGBTQ rights.

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