Blinded By Love

The emotion, love, is one of the worst rollercoasters I've ever been on. It's like going on Kingda Ka with the worst hangover: The ride only last about three minutes but it feels close to a lifetime. Once the ride stops and the seatbelt unlocks, you puke all over yourself. All you can think of is that maybe all the "liquor" that went into your system the night before, was really worth it.

This is how I felt the first time that I thought I was in love: Sick, embarrassed, and regretful are the words that come to mind. I gave my all to Him and then some but all I got was a heart shattered on the floor. Luckily, I am a firm believer in reflection, especially on myself, so here's my story.

Thanksgiving 2015—it was a great time with family and friends. My brother came home for the first time since the start of the semester, everyone that I loved was around me. I had just turned 21 a couple weeks prior, so we popped a bottle of champagne and my night was made. Later that night I was scrolling through my Instagram Feed. I happened to stumble upon one of the cutest boys I have ever seen. He liked my most recent post and I remember thinking that I needed him. Me, being the blunt person I am, messaged him saying, "Hi, I just wanted to let you that you're one of the most handsome boys I have ever seen." He replied the next afternoon simply saying, "You're full of shit but you're not so bad yourself." All of a sudden I had received the spark to my flame of a heart. We struck a match, Him and I, but it turned out to cause a wild fire running reckless and free.

After weeks of texting back and forth, you could tell that the connection was mutual. We met for dinner at a local restaurant and talked for hours over food and drinks. I thought to myself from across the table, "I could stare at him for days," "he laughs at my jokes and my quirkiness," and "I wonder is he's going to try to kiss me?", amongst other things. You know, just hormonal shit.

It is so crazy to me that hours before this I was out with a different guy who I had been hanging around. Then, one of the most terrifying experiences in my life happened to me. The other guy and I were in my bedroom just shooting the shit when he suddenly made a move on me. I kissed him back but everything else escalated so quickly it's tough to think about. He forced himself onto me and I told him to stop. Then, he guilt tripped me into continuing and forced himself into me. All I remember is my heart started beating at a rapid pace and I took a deep breathe. I grabbed him by the arms and with every piece of my being, pushed him off of me and onto my bedroom floor. He said, "What the hell was that? Don't act like you didn't want it." I yelled, "Get the fuck out of my house." He ran out the door and immediately tears were rushing down my face like a tsunami. I took my "phone a friend" ticket and that friend was Him. How did all of this start from myself simply just needing someone to distract me from what had happened to me earlier that night?

The best part was that I never felt like I was on a first date that night. I never felt the pressure to not be myself or nervous. We just flowed off of each other like the currents below the sea. I saw the ocean in him just from one date, a couple hours spent and a solid hug goodbye. When I say that I saw the ocean in Him I am referring to that feeling you get when the salty waves first meet your toes after a long Winter. It was pure bliss but I didn't for once stop to think that three years from then I would be sitting on a beach writing this story. I never stopped to think that one day, this day, he would no longer be in my life. It's bittersweet but since losing him I truly found me.

Sometimes building up the courage to tell someone how much they mean to you is difficult. I met his family the day after our first date. There was something that felt so wholesome about being welcomed in so warmly. Quickly, I began to develop relationships with the parents and the siblings. Then, I was spending night after night falling asleep next to him. The time that Him and I spent together was short-lived but it was everything I could have dreamed of.

I'll never forget when I got to his house after having a terrible day at work, I walked into his bedroom and there were flowers sitting on the bedside table. I asked who they were for and He said, "They're for you because you told me you were having a bad day. I just thought they would make you smile." Once things between us started to move South, he threw it at me in an argument that the flowers were just a friendly gesture. I should've stuck up for myself and clapped back with someone smart like, "Oh and giving me head last night then falling asleep next to me was just a friendly gesture as well right?" Instead, I cried myself to sleep while he snored in my damn ear.

The Summer flew by in the blink of an eye. Now, it was Fall. He was back at school in New York City while I was all alone endlessly bleeding from the blade of his sharp games. I am not here to tell you every detail of what happened between us because at the end of the day I should still give him some respect. Every story had two sides, but I am not too sure that He would care enough to share it, and that is fine by me. I can confidently say that it was easier for him because he was satisfying his hunger by feeding off of my vulnerability.

Now, when I look back on Him and I, I realize that I am at least 50 percent more of a human than he will ever be. Yes, we tried, as in I gave 80 percent of the love and attention to him and his other 20 percent was the occasional "scheduled," on his terms of course, phone call. When he was at school our FaceTime became nothing but a long distance call with a shit ton of background noise. We both were students and both had jobs. The only difference was that I had a full time job and took online classes where he was a full time student with a part time job. Countless, sleepless nights of him popping into my thoughts and unintentionally breaking me down with hurtful words that He had said to me on repeat. Slowly, I began to realize that I was losing sights of what made me happy. I was constantly trying to please someone that I could never change.

Mental Illness is so hard, especially when you're in a relationship, whether it be a friend or something more. Not only are you fighting with the one you love, you are battling the voices inside of your head. The saddest part is when the other person doesn't want you in return. Personally, heartbreak for me was when I wanted to end my own life. This kid and myself messed me up so badly that I found myself i.e. therapy sessions, twice a week, for about two and a half months. I was beaten and broken. Every part of my being was shattered to pieces. I had grown to become too dependent on others. I was doing this because at was at my most vulnerable and saddest I had ever been. I am forever grateful for my mom and some of my closest friends for pushing me to go get help. It is for them that I am still here standing, today.

I was going to leave this part out but screw it. I knew it was over between Him and I when he told me that he wanted to strictly be friends. He told me flat out that he wasn't looking for anything more but really he was sleeping with his current boyfriend behind my back. Now, FINALLY, it all makes sense as to why he only called while he was walking to and from the studio or class. What an idiot I am right? The phrase, "Why settle for a penny when you can fight for a dime?" should be tattooed onto his forehead.

Truth is, this shit happens every day, all day. I want you all to take it with you after reading this that you should never lose sights of your own soul to temporarily fulfill someone else's wants and needs. Whether it be a man or a woman, don't do it. You, yourself, is all that matters. You are built to run the world. Each and every one of you.

As Always,

—James