Blessings Among the Bleakness

On October 6th, 2020 I was diagnosed with PCOS.

My Gynecologist decided she wanted me to have a test done to rule out any other possible health issues after I had a kidney stone for the first time (I'm 23). I was worried as I awaited the results and even more worried when I got a call from her office asking me to come in person to speak about the results. The first thought on my mind was Cancer, of course, because your mind travels to horrible places when your nerves get the best of you. When she said early PCOS, I was blank. I've heard of the acronym before but never knew what it stood for or what it entailed.

For those who don't know what it is, PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and is a hormonal imbalance that can result in fertility issues. Symptoms such as excess hair growth and acne, and an increased risk for health issues such as Diabetes or High Blood Pressure are associated with PCOS.

My doctor explained what was found during the test, what it meant, and the next steps (which were quite vague and broad). I was told in order to "reverse it" (her exact words), women are placed on the pill. I am already on the pill due to menstrual issues so the typical course of action is already being done, and I am"ahead of the game". I definitely did not feel ahead of the game.

My confusion came from not exhibiting any symptoms whatsoever; even my hormonal blood work was in range.

She explained that I am not exhibiting symptoms because I've been on the pill for so long, but if I wasn't I'd notice a change in my body. Great. Now what?

The other thing she said was that I needed to lose 10% of my body weight which was 16lbs.

That's it. That's all I was told to do.

I sat there confused and very overwhelmed. My mom was on speakerphone in the waiting room due to COVID-19 restrictions and so she asked a couple of questions and that was that. I walked out of the room with the doctor and she apologized for the overwhelming information and assured me that when I was ready to become a Mom, there are so many courses of treatment God forbid issues to arise. Now, for someone who has sworn up and down, she didn't want children, the thought of not being able to because my body may give me issues doing so killed me. Needless to say, I want children more than anything (when the time is right of course.

Lastly, I needed to refrain from being stressed as much as possible.

Vague.

At the time of diagnosis, I was a first-semester graduate student for my Masters in Special Education, who graduated during a Global Pandemic with my Bachelor's Degree, living in NYC (the COVID-19 epicenter of the COUNTRY) lost my job due to COVID-19, was unable to get a teaching job due to being at high risk of contracting the virus, and now I have just been diagnosed with PCOS and may have fertility issues in the future...

Stressed was a complete understatement.

I walked out feeling confused, overwhelmed, and in need of my mommy. When we left, I decided to join Weight Watchers and in solidarity and support, she was going to join too. I didn't feel so alone anymore. We joined on October 7th and from then up until now, my Mom, Sister, Dad, two best friends, and their mom have joined. My mom laughs and says I started a chain, I awkwardly reply "my ovaries should be getting the credit" (too soon?)

I still felt that I did not fully understand my diagnosis and started stressing myself out when I tried to do independent research. I eventually found an Endocrinologist I could speak to via Telehealth.

What a blessing.

For starters, I voiced my concerns and explained that I was just told to lose weight without any sense of direction or guidance. I also mentioned how I was told this could be reversed but it was not made clear how to do so.

And then my bubble was popped...

She explained to me that when the Gynocologist said "reverse it", it was concerning the symptoms associated with PCOS, not PCOS itself. I compared my initial understanding to a cold, which gets better when treated; when in reality, I'm being told it is a lifelong issue that is managed but doesn't fully go away (like my Asthma).

MIND BLOWN.

She thought it was great I joined Weight Watchers (I was 3 weeks into the program at this point) and reminded me that weight loss is a marathon, not a race and that because I am already doing everything I possibly can, she has no doubts that I will be okay.

However,

She calculated my BMI and told me that she recommends me being under a certain weight to ensure that I woouldn't develop symptoms and will be okay when I am off the pill in the future. So she tacted on an extra 16lbs I needed to lose.

Great.

Coincidentally, I started Therapy offered by my college on October 8th.

(If you read my first piece on Vocal titled "To The Girls With "Daddy Issues," You Are Worthy Of The Love He Never Gave You", you already know why. If not, go give it a look).

I requested counseling a week before my PCOS diagnosis and wanted to speak to someone about depression as well as anger issues (again, refer to my first post for further clarification). I also now needed help managing stress. My mind was a complete mess...

So what was the point of sharing this with you all?

Well, because I am proud of myself and I want to show others that you can do anything you put your mind to. Here I am on December 28th, typing this sentiment about my journey of taking care of not only my body but my mind as well. My last session of therapy was a week ago from today and while it feels weird not talking to my therapist this Monday at 10 am, I sit here and reflect through this piece who far I have come on this journey.

Yesterday, December 27th, I reached the original goal of losing the 16lbs!!!!

The symbolism is what has given me so much hope and strength to continue this journey with the remaining 16.6lbs I need to lose set by my Endocrinologist. I started Therapy coincidentally when I was diagnosed, and I ended my time in Therapy losing the original weightloss goal as well as the tools I need to heal from past trauma and manage my stress. Not to mention through it all, I earned a 4.0 GPA my first semester of graduate school! These past three months have been crazy but I did it; I am stronger, I am still going, and I have a new outlook on life.

Incredible how fast your life can change.