Behind her eyes

All eyes hide such deep pain. We all cry in a dark room behind walls. With our face heavy onto a soft pillow that buries the sound of our cries, deeply in that dark room. We all hide something that kills us.

I don’t talk to you. You never understood. I don’t think you ever will understand. I tried to make you understand, but you can’t see. It’s hard. Not every pain you can see. We all can hide such pain behind our eyes, and only yourself truly knows that pain. And the only thing you wish for most in the world is for your mum to protect and love you and understand you for you.

Living with pain is the most hardest part about my existence. I’m a young soul living in an old body. I can’t walk properly, I stuggle to eat, my heart is heavy. I have moody days, all day of my life I feel so old and I haven’t felt young in a long time. It’s hard to get out of bed most days. Though I pretend. I hide behind a bright smile, contagious laugh and a strong mind. No one sees my pain, but me and no one will believe it. I see everyone else’s pain. I’m always there for anyone in need, though no one can help me. This pain will never go away. It’s been four years trying to learn to live with the pain. I can’t even remember what it’s like to feel young, to not feel so fragile and breakable. No one ever seems to ask me if I’m doing okay. All I wish I could say is “No I live with fucking pain” but how crazy would I look right? Everyone would laugh, like they all think, I’m to young to feel pain supposedly.

Some days I feel like giving up. Believe me I’ve wanted to. Years ago it felt like the only escape. I still feel that. Giving up isn’t for me though. Life is beautiful and there is so many things in life to be grateful for, I’ve learned that along the way. Chronic pain has changed me. I’m not a young girl anymore. Everyday I feel old, and weak. Behind my eyes is such pain mother, I only wish I could be heard by you. You’re the best mother in the world to all us kids, but your baby girl is in pain and I can’t even show that pain to you. That pain behind me will kill me some day. I’m young, though I’m slowly deteriating inside and no one seems to see. Only I can feel it. My not so young body will stop someday soon, it’s not long a young body can endure such pain.

I may not even be given the chance to have my own children. I worry about pregnancy, birth etc, with my body and how it will affect me. I could never have children because of how my body is. I will never know. There is so many things in life that I have to question due to my pain. There is so many things in life I have to not do due to my pain. But if I am to ever have my own family, I want my children to feel like they can show me who they are. Talk to me about their pain and worries, their dreams and big fantasies. I would want my children to show their side they most hide.

I wish I could do that with you. Show you truly what I hide behind my eyes.