Be more than just a memory, be her forever. A man's brief view on love.

I have read lots of Vocal stories around heartbreak, lost love or what could have been. Many of these stories have very strong points and the writers deliver their opinions very well...But I couldn't help as I kept scrolling through, notice that many of the stories come from a female voice sharing how broken they have been left feeling from the actions of their partners. It just made me think is it that common that as men, we continue to let ourselves down with these actions that hurt deeper than we know or care to acknowledge.

Now as a man, firstly, I know we tend to have our flaws as everyone does, I'm no different and not perfect by any means, but reading the impact of our attitudes and how deeply hurt we can leave a woman feeling, I wanted to try and talk from my experience and give a story that hopefully encourages any of those writers who felt passionate enough to call out their ex-partners actions or already putting up barriers to future partners because their previous experiences giving them no chance to even try to show their love.

No man is the same as no woman is the same, each gets their labels for common themes in sexual nature, the male agenda, female intuition, it's easy to say it's because of our sexual orientation that we act certain ways, but I'm going to disagree and I do hope this helps those hurting ladies trust us, men, again. But also if you are a man reading this that it encourages you to aspire to be what you promised them you would be, or at least be honest enough to have tried and I mean try.

A man's view on love...

Even that sentence feels different when you put a man or a woman at the front of it your head goes to different views, men don't view love the same way as women. Men tend to treat love as a fleeting passing word that can be used often enough until it loses its power and then find the need to want to feel the reaction of that word somewhere else where it feels powerful again. With women love is often treated as forever and commitment to one and a word that means more than any other word to that person, I didn't want to use the fairytale princess analogy but you can't help but tie it to a woman's view on love, which is not a bad expectation to have at all, as giving another one your heart should be then and forever, happily ever after.

So my view on love, a man's perspective. I have been with my partner for nearly 15 years, we are now married and we have 3 amazing children. I'm not afraid to say it, I got lucky!... She is beautiful like I mean angel material, we stand next to each other and I have no idea what I did to make her fall in love with me. We have been through a lot, finishing university, moving house, marriage and having children, which are milestones that we will always remember, but those points there for me are not what I tie my love to her on. It's the commitment to her that I set my foundation on, the absolute promise that when we get old we can sit next to each other, hold each other's hands, look back and be proud of everything we have achieved together; the children, the house whatever we have done it was together, that is my passion, my promise. I don't know where I got this mindset from, but it has just stuck with me always, I met my now wife at 15 and when my friends would talk about girls in typical boy fashion at times I had already planned my life out in my head to be there with her and be proud that I found that someone that would play the biggest part in my story. She blew me away and it was clear to me that if I could spend the rest of my life with her, that's more valuable to me than anything else in the world as I can know I have had someone next to me all the way and that my life had more meaning for being there for her throughout her life. isn't that what it's all about enjoying your life and having someone beside you to experience it with?

Now I know it easy for me to say that because I found jess and I have been lucky enough to still have the love of my life next to me, but I am going to give myself credit here as (although she is the glue that holds our family together without her we would be a mess) but as pushing myself to achieve my dreams for myself, her and our family is something I didn't see in my dad, my friends or surprisingly enough in the world we see now, it seems easier to move on than fight through the challenges of a relationship. My friends are amazing, I love them, but a few of them have played the part I mentioned at the beginning of losing their focus on their current partner because they didn't move on from just wanting the excitement of first dates and flirty texts to the sharing of dreams, putting their vulnerable side out and committing to the long term achievement of a relationship.

That there is probably one of my biggest views on love is the mindset of the relationship, but also the mindset of the person. We visualise so much in this generation, we now see lifestyles filtered to perfection that we lose the realistic feel of who we are. I am never going to be someone who wants to go out party and find someone for a one night stand, but for me that's ok and I'm proud to say that when my friends try to wind me up, but I know in my heart I have my goal.. my view on love... it's her.

Chivalry is not dead but it's even...

Now, this is going to split opinions, but it's what I feel can make or break relationships, see, chivalry is used as an old term is loyal, courteous, protective, honourable and gentle. Whereas I have also heard it connected to opening and closing of doors, buying flowers or other acts and the pressure to maintain that in any relationship can be incredibly hard as we are all in different circumstances and sometimes are caught up in our own worries, maintaining chivalry through actions can quickly turn a view of a relationship into a frustration. For me and what I truly believe love is, is being all the words that chivalry is connected too but also being aware to know that sometimes, knowing that your partner is there next to you safe and sound is their showcase of loyalty at that moment, working that little bit more to maybe not even provide, but at least know they have security there to protect you if needed, are small ways they might be demonstrating chivalry in their way. I always talk to my wife about how she realises at times when I am deep in my recovery mode at work and the pressure is on, the times I know I'm not meeting my needs as a husband, she never adds to that by requesting more presence from me or pulling me up on the small things. She takes the lead on being courteous, protecting me and gently keeping our love growing. That for me is everything and more to know and understand that it is 50/50 in any relationship, no matter what role and how weighted the money, parenting or working is on one or the other, knowing that your partner needs you to step up and be there is what I believe Chivalry is all about. So try not to see it as a chore at times to show that to your partner, even if you feel they are distant, they might just need you to take the reins on it at that moment.

Be you... not them... YOU!!

It's not hard to be you, your amazing and you should know and trust it. You can read thousands of Instagram posts saying only you can make things happen, or make your self happy and that there is a key factor. A lot of relationships breakdown not because of the other person but because we expect them to the ones to make us happy and feel better constantly but that's a huge, possibly impossibly task, keeping themselves happy and doing all things to keep you happy too would and is exhausting. My advice here is we should all take responsibility for our happiness, I want to enjoy all the experiences in the world with my wife but if for any reason I am not around I want her to be strong, positive and happy without me and knowing she is happy with her hobbies, activities or just in her headspace gives us all the time to spend enjoying each others company and can peacefully love each other fully from the heart. If I was putting all the expectations on her as my partner to make me happy not only am I looking at her constantly when I feel down that I become reliant on it but I don't want to then resent me because she is always having to put the effort in to make me happy that she forgets what she loves about me. So if your not happy right now don't look to your partner to solve it, yes they might and be willing to help but try to find it yourself, you'll appreciate it more finding it within you and then you can be proud and confident to be happier with your partner as a happier, lighter, clearer partnership.

So not advice and only the tip of the iceberg, but maybe food for thought before letting go, before even giving it a chance...

Going back to my reason for writing this, I really don't speak for everyone and I can only share my thoughts but I truly believe if your reading this and you have hurt or are currently hurting someone with your actions in a relationship, think about what kind of person you want to be, you might still feel leaving is the answer and if so do it honestly, be open and clear that's all they are asking for and deserve. We look at ourselves with real criticism already and having someone reject us only adds to our questions about what's not great about ourselves. But.. if you can visualize yourself sitting together with your partner, old enough to look back at your life knowing that you both shared your story together and you have had that someone next to you for the long run and not a flittering chapter but the entire novel then look to yourself for happiness, be loyal and most of all... Be you!! as that's the person they are choosing to give their heart too in the millions of people in the world they chose you, now that's something to hold on too. More than partying, than flirty texts or being the lad with your mates, be more than that be the inspiration to her and be the mainstay in their story.

Don't let the one who wants to pick up the pieces be the one who gets broken...

My last ask is for the writers I touched on at the beginning who might be judging all us men the same, the above might be the same for you. Looking after your happiness, understanding the sacrifices and commitments to take the lead on the relationship if needed. But most of all I hope you can read the above and know that although I am a pain at times as any man or woman can be, but there are lots of us wanting the fairytale, wanting the long term, wanting the love you have to offer. They might be the one trying to pick up the pieces of your broken heart right now, they are the ones who might just surprise you and be the true definition of love.

Thanks for reading!!

Sj

Well.. if you got this WOW, thank you I cannot say enough how much I appreciate you and your time... I have some ambitious goals and writing on here developing my skills is all part of me starting my journey, so if you want to follow me on my journey pop on Insta and follow me Sj_hyt89

Stay Safe x