Bad Advice From The Neighborhood Sex Guru

I had a friend who was chronologically only one year older than me but years ahead in the ways of the world.

You see, I had lived my entire 16 years in the suburbs at the Jersey Shore. In the middle class neighborhood where I came from we were pretty niave when it came to boy-girl connections.

Oh, yeah; our glands were slopping over just like most teenagers world wide. We just had no idea what to do about it.

In the 1950s, the high schools were still gender segregating the sexes. To this day, I don’t know what the girls learned in their health class.

I do know that I learned the structure of the eyeball, my eustachian tube hook up, and I memorized most all the bones in my feet in health class.

Far be it from the boards of education at the time to mandate anything near sex education. Helping teens along in the natural discovery of their OWN BODIES was considered taboo.

Enter Dax.

He was a 17 year old new guy in school who had moved to the shore area from Long Island, N Y. He was very good looking in a James Dean kind of way.

Probably every girl in Long Branch High School had a crush on him at one time or another.

In addition to all of these admirable teenage traits he had another attribute that none of us had.

He had a girl friend in the high school from which he had transferred to Long Branch. Dax and she had dated freshman and sophomore year and planned on marrying in the vague future.

They had — done it.

This, of course, elevated him to the point where, even as a new boy in town, he was in a position to consult, advise and lead in the all matters sexual.

He was our teenage Guru.

Really it was the blind leading the blind.

We just didn’t know that yet.

This story was related to me by my cousin Kit, who had a friend, whose teenage brother consulted with Dax when he wanted to make the first intimate move with his girlfriend.

I realize that the thread of this tale is rather long and it may not, in fact, be true. But then again…

Kit told me that his friend’s little brother, Ted had been dating his friend for a month or 2. Usually with a group of kids eating pizza at Frieda’s and hanging out at the Bowlerdrome with the church MYF.

They were to have their first date as a twosome that Friday night at the Mayfair Theater. They both wanted to see Giant starring, ironically James Dean.

Ted thought it may be a good time and place to make his initial physical advance to his lady love. Back row, in a dark movie theater. Teenage perfect.

Dax, agreed.

When asked how to initiate the topic of physicality in the relationship, Dax advised the following:

1 Ask her if she would like popcorn. No teenager, boy or girl can refuse popcorn at the movie theater.

2 Make sure to go to the popcorn stand in the theater during an interesting point in the movie so she won’t be tempted to accompany you.

3 Buy the popcorn.

4 Go to the men’s room and cut a hole in the bottom of the tub.

5 Pull down the old zipper.

6 Walk back to your seat by the love with your hand over the hole you’ve just cut so no popcorn leaks out.

7 Sit down and, as unabtrusively as possible pull out the manhood and insert through the hole.

8 As you both feast on the diminishing popcorn, you’ll gradually work your way down to the business end of the tub.

9 Voila! She will undoubtedly be turned on when she gets her first feel of your pleasure pump.

Ted felt this was sound advice.

All went according to plan at the movies.

The back row of the theater was almost deserted. Ted and his friend had it all to themselves.

At the appropriate time in the movie, Ted excused himself to get snacks at the vendor.

He purchased an extra large tub of popcorn. Stopped in the men’s room to do the necessary surgery on the box.

Ambled back to his seat with his hand over the hole in the box as per Dax’s instructions.

Ted, with maximum effort, was able to pull his knob through the popcorn tub as unobtrusively as possible,

“Oh, I should have mentioned,” Ted’s future sweetheart apologetically exclaimed, “ I can’t eat popcorn, upsets my stomach.

Can you eat that whole thing yourself?”