Attracted to a Toxic Being

I was 15 when I met him. He was 5’10, light skinned, and built like a God. I loved his smile. He had the prettiest white teeth ever. He was very handsome. He resided in the Valley Green projects. I wasn’t from there but, I didn’t live far away. If it was for my cousin DeeDee, I wouldn’t have met him at all. She had a boyfriend around there and one day I was allowed to go with her. I meet him and I was in heaven. I continued to go visit even after DeeDee and her man broke up. Nothing was going to keep me from him. I was about to turn 16 in a week. I was excited. It was summertime and I was working a summer job through the Summer Job Program. I remember him calling my house and I’m trying to talk but my grandma was constantly in ear shot of my conversation. He asked me what did I want for my birthday, what I wanted to say was,YOU. What came out of my mouth was a necklace. Now I was still a virgin, but I was ready to experience sex. DeeDee and I would talk about sex and I would ask a lot of questions. The last thing she told me was, “The only way to know about it is to do it". Carnell asked me if that was all I wanted. I couldn’t say nothing more than yes. The way my grandma was circling me, I thought she was reading my lips. I made plans quickly as I could and hung up. I was going to see him on my birthday.

‘BIRTHDAY is here. I left work early. I just wanted to be with him. I get to his house and we are in his room. We always had a great time talking and laughing. It felt like we’ve known each other forever. I had planned it perfectly because I was being clocked. You couldn’t be a minute late in grandma’s house, or she was ready to conduct a search party. We startEd kissing. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do it. I was definitely sure and I nodded yes with a smile. I got undressed and I’m in his bed. I’m preparing myself in my mind of what’s its going to feel like. First experience and I’m nervous and anxious all at the same time. As he inserts hisself in me, I’m still waiting for a painful experience. When I tell you that I was not impressed at all and that for it to be my first, I was totally disappointed, I WAS TOTALLY DISAPPOINTED. He was nothing like I had envisioned. I lost my virginity for nothing. No we didn’t use protection either. I hurried to get dressed. He walked me half way home, kissed me bye and I hurried home. I get home and all I can think about is, for him to be that fine and have such a chiseled physique, he lacked in the dick department. I wanted my birthday to be mind blowing, but instead all I got weak sex and no necklace. After playing it over in my head, all I remember saying is, if I’m pregnant, my baby is going to be cute. The words of a silly 16 year old.

I stopped seeing him because DeeDee had told me that he had been saying some things about me in a negative manner. It made me mad. I called and confronted him about it. Of course he denied it. I knew my cousin and she wouldn’t lie about it, so I hung up as he was talking. Months went by without contact. I thought about him from time to time, but I wasn’t going to call. I said if he wanted to make it right, then he would call. Sure enough, he finally called. He came to see me and we were seeing each other again. It was like we never separated. So charmed by him that I missed the devil in him. I skipped all over the incident when I should have been all up in it. Had I not had missed the mark, I would have recognized that he only came back to me because I was young, naive, and could be controlled. I was sheltered. I knew nothing about game and what to look out for. I was being played like a fiddle. Long story short, he cheated on me with multiple women, gave me an STD once, became possessive and jealous. He was verbally abusive when he drank. Dumb me, I stayed for 4 yrs. I cried a lot. He bought me something once. It was a Garfield sleep shirt. I wore it one night at his place. He finally managed to keep a job long enough to save and get an apartment. He had been drinking and got upset. I remember him ripping the sleep shirt off of me and throwing it out the window. The next morning he pretended to not remember what happened but he went outside and retrieved my sleep shirt. So much pain had transpired those four years that all I remember was lying down and hearing a voice say to me, “When you get tired, you will leave". I repeated it and fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up, I started singing ALRIGHT by Janet Jackson as I packed and rolled out. I was done. I had endured enough abuse. I think the reason I tolerated it for so long was because at my mom’s house, there was drug abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, and physical abuse. I was use to it. He was my escape from home and vice versa. I had left grandma’s house and moved in with my mother. It was as if I had jumped out of the frying pan and straight into the fire. Stay tuned for more.💛