Are You Sure?

This was it. Time to begin a new chapter without him. It still hadn't kicked in yet. Everyday since he left did not feel like reality. I told him not to go, I thought to myself. I cringed. That's an awful thing to think. I couldn't help being upset. He had completely ignored me and decided that he knew what was best for us. Now I'm stuck with the repercussions and all these feelings.

My thoughts were interrupted when my mom placed her hand on my shoulder. I knew I looked crazy. I stood there stuck in a daze staring at them lowering Malik's casket. My heart felt like it was going to fall right out of my chest and on to his casket. I leaned into my mom and let out a loud sob. I wanted to feel Malik’s sweet embrace.

After I escaped the awful funeral, I went for a long drive. I dreaded going into our empty home. Without him it was not going to be the same. I listened to my favorite playlist and thought about what I wanted with my life as I fought back my heavy tears. I loved Malik.

My thoughts drifted to when Malik was last in this small 1998 Corolla.

“ Are you sure this is what you want?” I asked Malik.

“ Yes, I need a new start for me and for us. I know this is going to completely upgrade our life” Malik replied to me slightly annoyed. He had been reassuring me these last few days, but I still didn't want him to go.

Okay that's great, but what about what's best for both of us, I thought to myself.

“ I just still don't know if this is the right choice. I can't help but be worried” I said looking at him with a concerned face. He stopped packing and looked at me with dismay.

“ Jenny, you know that this is what is best for us. We want to start our family. I am simply setting down the foundation for the rest of our lives. “ He said. He kissed my forehead lightly.

“ If you say so” I said as I was walking down the stairs of our townhome. "Come on Jenny I do not want to leave on a bad note you know that." Malik yelled out our bedroom door.

“ Yeah okay” I whispered under my breath. I walked out to the patio and let out the tears I was holding in.

When we first talked about him leaving I was fine with it. Well, I was kind of okay with it. I thought over time he would get over it. He had a hard time finding a job and he was tired of receiving unemployment. He had been fired from his last job because of COVID and he was beginning to get depressed. I was tired of working and I wanted to quit my job and prepare to start a family but we couldn't afford it. One day he came home rambling about how an army recruiter gave him the answers. He told me he was going to join the army. The next few months shot past us like they were never there.

I heard him walking down the stairs and I quickly dried my eyes. I didn't want him to feel bad, but I also dreaded him walking out the door. He walked up behind me and held me. I leaned into his strong chest and relaxed. I felt so safe in his arms. Coming home without him was not going to be easy. We had been living together for three years and we were struggling badly, so I tried to be understanding. We stood in silence and enjoyed our last few moments together.

“ Okay, I'm ready,” He said. He placed his bags into the backseat and sat into the driver's seat.

“ Are you sure?” I said sarcastically. I was not excited for this drive. My heart wanted to pound out of my chest. Anxiety was creeping into my thoughts with each mile we passed.

“Yes, trust me and the process. It’ll pay off for our future.” He let out a side smile.

He had to take a ship to get to base. He was so ready to leave me that he would rather take a ship than wait a few months for a plane. Ugh, that’s not true, I said to myself. I looked over at him and I tried my hardest to memorize his beautiful round mocha face. His eyes were a yummy almond surrounded by his long lashes. His smile was beautiful and I was going to miss his wide gapped toothed smile and the way his eyes lit up when he glanced my way. I need to stop, I told myself. We will be okay. He will be home soon I thought to myself.

He must have noticed that I was silent because he reached over and grabbed my hand.

“ I'm going to miss you, you know that” He said smiling at me. I was happy to see that light shine in his almond eyes. I let out a slight smile.

“Yeah right, I know you won't miss me annoying you” I said kissing his cheek.

“ You would think so right” He let out a chuckle.

When we got to the ship he grabbed his bags and I walked him as close as I could. I hugged him tightly and laid my head on his chest. He pressed me softly against his chest. I heard his heart racing.

“ I love you, Jenny. This is the beginning of something great, I promise.

“ It better be, and I love you more Malik.” I said. I leaned in and gave him a soft kiss. I let out a few tears and pulled my head down. He grabbed my face gently and wiped away my tears.

“ Hold the house down, I'll send money soon and call you every chance I get.” He said.

We stepped away from our embrace. I turned around and pushed my feet towards the car. I wanted to tell him that this was not a good idea. I wanted him to want to go home with me. I let out a few more tears as I got to the car. I watched him hop on to the ship until he was no longer in sight. I sat there until the sun looked as if it floated over the ship on the horizon.