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Are You Scared of Losing Your Independence for Your Relationship?

Luvstance Advice

By Alice Broadbent LeãoPublished 5 years ago 5 min read

You hear it constantly: “I don’t want to commit because I don’t want someone telling me what to do” or, “I can’t go out anymore because of my girl/boyfriend.”

But, how true is it that you lose your independence because of your relationship?

Firstly, the only person who can take away your independence is yourself. If you are finding yourself in a controlling relationship then see the signs and get out of there! A controlling relationship is not a happy life, there will come a day where you hit breaking point so just let the relationship go and walk away before it gets worse. Sometimes the hardest thing is giving up on our relationships, but if you are losing yourself because another person is forcing you, then it is okay to give up and learn from past loves.

Independence is something we all love. Being able to do what we want when we want, right? Why would you want to give that up? The reason is because independence changes when you fall in love. You no longer just think about yourself. You may even find you now put yourself second to your partner. I know for myself that my husband is always the first thing on my mind before anything else.

The best thing about being in love with someone is sharing life with them. As great as it is to be independent, there is nothing better than doing things as a couple. I much prefer going to the gym with my husband, I prefer eating out with him, shopping, walking, traveling. You name it, enjoying life with someone by your side beats independence's ass!

But, there comes a time when independence is vital for your relationship and must be valued for each partner. Taking away your partners independence may cause your relationship harm and eventually be the reason for its deterioration. There is a difference between wondering what your partner is doing and nagging them.

In all relationships, we like to know where our man or woman is at! If he is wondering in from the pub at 1AM every night, he is abusing the rule of independence and you have the right to ask questions. But, if he’s a few hours later than he said he would be after meeting up with friends for drinks, cut them some slack as they were probably just having fun.

Putting curfews on each other is not the best idea. But, saying don’t be too late or send me a couple messages while you are out, is a more respectable approach. At the end of the day, you don’t want to drive you partner crazy or suffocate them.

If you are dating a person and believe you want to take it to the next step of starting a relationship but, you are scared of losing your independence, then you need to take a step back and think to yourself, am I ready for a relationship at this stage in my life?

The most interesting thing about life is that we all grow, love, learn and develop at different stages. I married at 22 and can’t wait to spend my life with my husband. Others don’t marry until later in life because they have huge career goals that wouldn’t be possible to achieve if you have to commit to another person.

You, yourself, will know when the time is right for you. If you are forcing a relationship because all your friends are or you think that because you are 25 you should be married by now then you are your own worst enemy. Love is natural, no one knows when it is going to happen nor will you know what you are willing to do to make things work. Perhaps you think that you are career driven but then one day the girl in Starbucks spills her coffee on you and she then ends up being the one and you would move mountains to make life work with her.

Life works in incredible ways. I know so because at the age of 18, I didn’t know I would spend four years in America, living in two different states and then fall in love with a Brazilian who would turn out to be my husband!

Life. Is. Crazy.

But, it is also brilliant. Being independent is about knowing what you want but also, being human enough to understand compromise. A relationship requires daily compromises, if not, nothing would ever be achieved. If you are in a relationship but fantasise about being out on the weekends with your friends in nightclubs, then you have probably not found the one. It is a great thing to have short loves and long loves that don’t work out. We learn a lot about ourselves and it helps guide us in future relationships.

With long distance relationships you get all the independence you could want, but because of that, you learn how independence is not the greatest thing in the world. Yes, I can go shopping whenever I want but do I make memories on my own? Definitely not. Can I do things on my own that would be better shared with my partner? Of course not. Would I prefer to share the news with my partner that I got a new job or I passed my driving test to his face rather than over the phone? The answer is obvious.

Life is about sharing it with someone else. As great as it is to have friends, they can’t give you the feeling that you get with being in love.

You can still have independence while being in a committed relationship.

When you fall in love it will come naturally to you that there is more to life than just you.


About the Creator

Alice Broadbent Leão

My name is Alice, 24 British girl married to my Brazilian husband, Pedro (25). I write to share my experiences of a long distance relationship and general love and relationship tips.

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