Are You Reeeaallly Sick?

Well it’s officially winter which means it’s now okay for me to pretend to be sick. I could easily actually be sick, but I could totally also just be a little bit chilly. It’s most definitely the time to sit in my bed, curl up with tea, and watch a sitcom about a goofy six-person friend dynamic within their living or work environment. And ya sweetie, I do have a canvas tab open for the illusion of efficiency. I truly can't imagine life way up north. Where you get a glimpse at the sun maybe once a day. There is no way to do anything besides exist. Capitalism is a sham and I'll choose to listen to the earth. We all should! It's impressive that we've kept up a facade all summer and nwo the universe is telling us that we get to rest. We get to lie down with tissues in our nose because even if it is not running, when else do we get to expirience that pillowy hug from the inside out? The fact that I can walk home from the bus stop, boil water, put on fuzzy socks, and watch TV ‘till I’m anxious all before the sun sets is a serious fucking accomplishment considering it’s basically dark at noon, noon-thirty. But see here’s the thing with the sun, do we use this a marker of the end of the day? When it’s gone, is that the point at which I change from DayQuil to NyQuil? I genuinely don’t know. I don’t know how to dose myself for anything. I wasn’t allowed MSG or Advil until I was like my own human at 13 and even then I had way more motivation to spend my limited quarters on Corn Nuts and Doritos over the likes of weak painkillers. I never fully learned how to take functional drugs. I have no practice. I’m just so tired all the time and can’t tell if it’s the Benadryl. Did I take the drowsy version? Or have I not drinken water in 4 days? I can’t stop itching my fucking neck and arms. And throat and shoulders. I can’t sleep at all, so I normally just vacuum and reorganize the tea bags. Once the tea bags are organized and re-organized to my liking, I will then divert my focus to the spice area. My friends think that it’s because of the pseudoephedrine I’m taking as a decongestant, but I’m starting to think it’s because of the meth. Whatever, friends are stupid and don’t know anything. They’re the ones who said my runny nose wasn’t because of my cat allergy but rather because of my “serious” and “crippling” “cocaine” “dependency”. I don’t know. It’s winter and I’m sad. If there is any advice I have for others, it’s this. And I don’t want to overstep, so I’ll make it short. Buy that Snuggie. They genuinly are up to something. The fierce wind that hits your soft and supple under bicep as you reach for your bowl is just not worth it. You wanted one like eight years ago so you should just do it, cocknob. I’m not sure if that “As Seen on TV” store is still in your mall but you should do it! And I say these next tiny bits of wisdom with confidence. 1) Trust WebMD 2) The “immune system” is a conspiracy theory introduced during the Reagan era to distract us from the gutting of public housing funds. And finally, 3) go ahead and just chug those pricey Emergen-C packets straight. Super Orange or Cranberry. Never Tangerine. Never Raspberry. Chug. Don’t mix with water and don’t snort.