Are You in a Relationship with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner?

Mysterious, elusive, hard to read. Unavailable partners can seem attractive and have a strong draw. They are a challenge, they seem so, in need of love. Whatever made them so unavailable in the first place, calls out to you. You want to heal them, help them, love them so they will open up and feel safe to be available.

In my work as a professional intuitive reader, I get a lot of clients who are involved with unavailable partners. They can’t get feedback from their partner, or potential partner, so they ask me to read how they are feeling. What I tend to see are walls, compartments, distance. I can see how they make brief connections but then pull away. The general feeling is that the person is not ready for love as well as being disconnected from themselves.

What does it mean to be unavailable?

It is an inability to connect with emotions and express those emotions to others in an authentic way. When someone is unavailable in this way, it means they have a wall up. It’s hard to get to know them, they don’t offer much information about themselves, they rarely express true feelings. You get the distinct sense that they are holding back, and they are.

This isn’t the sort of unavailability, from having a reserved personality or being an introvert. This is someone who puts up walls to keep people out. At the root of their unavailability, is fear, and they react to this fear by keeping themselves protected. They can also have a lot of trust issues.

There are signs to watch out for, your partner might not have all of these, but having a few of them may mean they are emotionally unavailable.

They are never able to fully commit

Whether it is a date, weekend get-away, or the relationship itself, these types are not onboard. They may say they are, but only because they know that’s what you want to hear.

In reality, their actions speak otherwise.

This is why they will cancel so many plans, usually at the last minute. They haven’t got the skills to articulate that they are not ready for this level of commitment.

They may say they need space, or they are a private person. It’s normal for each partner in a relationship to want space, it is in fact a requirement in a healthy relationship. What isn’t healthy is wanting so much space that it confuses the other person. To go silent for periods of time, or ghost entirely. This is when you must question whether the person wants space and privacy beyond a healthy level.

They aren’t there when you need them

If you are having a hard day the last thing an unavailable partner wants is to hear about it. If you’re sick, they steer clear of you, even if you have nursed them in sicknesses prior. If you lose a loved one, same reaction. They can’t handle the emotions of any given situation; they are unable to empathize enough to truly care. They don’t want you to need anything and when you do, it annoys them.

They are married or in a long term relationship

Married people like to tell stories. Their marriage is on the rocks, they’re only living together to share expenses. They plan to move when they get the right job, pay down their debt, the kids are older.

Even if any of that were true, they have a connection to their spouse and that makes you a third wheel. There are still feelings and unhealed issues between them. You getting involved in that is messy.

Save yourself the heartache, they are still connected, that’s your warning sign, run don’t walk to the nearest exit.

All of this applies to people who are in a long-term relationship too. They don't have the legal connection that a married couple has, this can make leaving easier. Yet, they will often stay for the same reasons a married person does. They are connected to their partner healthy or not, they can’t seem to break away.

Even in your most intimate moments, you feel separate

You can by lying in bed together, physically close as can be, and there is a feeling of disconnect. Or you’re having a romantic dinner, and they pull out their phone. Maybe you’re walking in a park, other couples passing by holding hands, and your partner doesn’t reach out to hold yours.

Unavailable partners miss the boat again and again in moments where there should be true intimacy and connection. Why? They refuse to make themselves vulnerable.

They lack the ability to participate in intimacy which builds genuine connection. This is how we bond with each other. Through moments of shared intimacy. Not necessarily romantic, it can be with family, friends. It’s when one person opens up to another, shares a part of themselves. Unavailable types cannot or will not do this, period.

Are they unavailable?

If you have recognized your partner can’t fully commit, isn't there when you need them, you suspect they are lying or cheating and you always feel separate even in moments when there should be real intimacy, then it’s time to take a hard look at your reality. The unavailable partner rarely changes.

You are likely doing all of the heavy-lifting in the relationship. You deserve better.

You deserve to get what you have been giving, returned, but that will never happen if you remain in a relationship with an unavailable type.

We often have patterns that contribute to attracting these types.

Patterns of codependency, wounds from the past, not feeling good enough or deserving of love deep down can bring unavailable types into your life.

Take some time off from dating for a time and learn to love yourself. Practice self-care, learn to establish and maintain healthy boundaries and most of all, realize your own self-worth. Make the choice that in the future, after you have given enough time to change your patterns, that you will only date available people. Someone who is ready to be in a relationship and able to give you support, care, and love that is genuine and lasting.

The original version of this story was published on Medium. Link to the original version:

https://jocelynjoythomas.medium.com/are-you-in-a-relationship-with-an-emotionally-unavailable-partner-80ef8c30e794?sk=1c7851d86ab6a277f22920674f3c7683