And Again, Good Luck

How many times have I thought that I might have finally found the one? Too many times. Since I was little, I have dreamed of having a family and finding my prince charming. Haven't a lot of us? I thought for sure that at this age, I would have been much closer.

The nuance relationship, the immediate attraction, an award winning laugh. You think you've found something special. Family man, gentleman picking up tabs, remembers to open my door. You think that he might love you. Cute pictures, little trips, getting to know each other's friends. You figure that you two are great together.

Maybe it worked out for you, but it hasn't yet for me.

--

You'd think that after 11 months, you'd know a person. You'd think that after that amount of time, you would know someone in all seasons. However, they always seem to surprise me.

"I feel like you don't care." I told him outright, with tears in my eyes. At that time, it felt like it was over. We were hardly talking. He never asked about my day, let alone how I was. It didn't feel like we were on the same page.

He tried to tell me he did care. He tried to say that he not only loved me, but thought that I was the one, that he might marry me one day. He made it seem like I should've just asked, that his feelings were obvious. Immediately, I felt silly, and a sense of relief washed over me. I must just be too emotional. I apologized for not just asking, and we tried to move on...

The following two weeks were much better. I decided instead of focusing on how I felt, I would focus on him. I woke up each morning and told myself, "I want to love him and I am going to show him!" I made sure that I spent time in the morning and then again in the evening, thinking of him. I wondered what I might do to make sure that he knew how I felt about him.

Many mornings I thought about what he would have to do that day and send an encouraging message. One day, after he had a few long days at work, I took three hours to clean his apartment and even do laundry. I came over for dinner the evening before he had a virtual concert. I wrote a note, made dessert, and put in a small gift.

It felt so good to just love him, without thinking about how he was or was not loving me. At least it did for two weeks. Then I needed him to show me.

He had told me 12 weeks prior that he would pickup a couch for my new apartment. An apartment that I moved into for a new job, and to be closer to him. An apartment that I had only been in for a few, COVID months. These months were ones in which making new friends or spending quality time with others was difficult. He said that he could do it and now the day to pickup had come. Unfortunately, the night before, he received some devastating news.

He got a call from his brother that a grandparent was going to pass. While his relative had gone through a tough period of Dementia, she stayed at a nursing home in his hometown. He stepped out to call family, so I tried to think about how I may help...

I put together a bag incase he would stay at the home with her. I put in some comfort items. Hot chocolate mix, marshmallows, a puzzle, a notebook to write or color, and tissues. I didn't know who may need to dig in, so I put in plenty for 5 or 6. I also changed my clothes and brushed my teeth, incase he asked me to come along. If he needed me, I'd spend the weekend trying to support him and his family.

After his calls, he decided to wait until the next day. I decided to not mention the bad. I also remained quiet about the couch, which was supposed to be picked up the next day. I figured I'd wait. Before he went home, I asked him to keep me updated, so that I could figure out what to do.

The next day came, and I received nothing. He attended an online work meeting and then drove to his hometown. There were less than four hours left for me to call the couch company. Not a single message. The last thing that I wanted to do was interrupt, so I sent a text to see how everyone was doing. His response was that hime and his family went to visit at the home and that he may end up staying the night.

This I could understand. I felt it was better that he stay with his family and that they support each other. In no way would I expect him to leave them. However, I stilled hoped that he might offer to help a different weekend.

With no family in the area and very few friends, I wasn't sure who to call. The alternative was spending an unplanned $150. That would certainly be cutting my budget close, especially with all the car problems that I had been having.

I received nothing further from my boyfriend. He never so much as asked how I handled it, or what I was now going to have to do. Needless to say, I was disappointed. No call. No offer to help another day. No assistance in the payment. I was alone.

At that point I realized that while I had a boyfriend, I was very much on my own. I was dating a boy who could spend an hour and a half at a work meeting, but did not have 5 minutes to help me when he broke a commitment he made.

So it was not surprising when he could not understand that I was upset. He called when he realized that I was. "Are you seriously made that I didn't pick up your couch and leave my family yesterday?" I sighed, this was the last thing I wanted him to think. I told him that of course that did not upset me. "Then what should I have done?"

He was starting to get defensive and become angry with me. I told him that I wish he would have just tried to help me, anything to try and keep his commitment. I told him he could have offered to help another day.

It must have been five minutes of him constantly braiding me for this awful suggestion. The conversation seemed to go around in circles. It went something like -

Him "My family was much more important than your couch..."

Me "It's not just about the couch-"

Him "I can't believe you thought that I was going to leave to pickup your couch..."

Me "I didn't want you to leave your family-"

Him "I had a hundred other things on my mind..."

Me "A hundred things and not one of them was me and your commitment?"

Him "Why didn't you just have them reschedule?"

Me "You didn't offer to help another day, why would I schedule another time that might not work?"

And on, and on...

I was in tears. How could he not understand? It wasn't until I broke down that he truly listened. I told him -

"All I want is to know that you love me. You tell me, but I don't see it. We have had issues with this in the past, and yesterday you had the opportunity to help when I needed you. I wanted 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes of your time. I know I am not the number one priority when your family is involved. It's obvious that work was more important than helping me. What number am I on the list? How does this work when I can't rely on you?"

Him "Look, I don't want us to break up-"

Me "I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU!"

And then, silence. The tears were really rolling at this point. In no way did I actually want to break up, I absolutely loved him. However, I knew that he did not WANT to help. I knew that because he did not try. He never so much as brought it up unless I did.

He was upset. His voice changed. It was no longer filled with anger and frustration, but genuine consideration and perhaps, sadness.

Him "I know you are here alone. I don't want you to be alone. You can come over anytime. And don't hesitate to ask me for something if you need it-"

I cut him off.

Me "Ask you for something? You've showed me that when I do, you won't take 5 minutes to work it out. Need something? What do I need? I live alone, I pay for everything I need, I have a job..."

Him "Don't you know that I love and care about you?"

That was hard to hear. I wanted that to be true, but when do actions have to outweigh words? So, I asked,

Me "Would you do it again?"

Him "Yes. My family takes precedence. We aren't even married yet. My family in my number one priority..."

Me "But you made me a commitment...You told me I could count on you. You gave your word, and then did not even try to help... What does it take for that?"

Him "My wife will have that privilege."

The conversation left off with my final words,

Me "And again, best of luck to you."

--

What is love? Words? Actions? Is it to be given freely, or should it be earned? Should I have waited for the 'privilege' of having a boy keep his word?