An Open Letter...

Look at you. Just look at you. With your jewel-toned dress and black pumps and full make-up. It’s not even 7:30am.

But it’s good that you’re ready. You’ll be the first to sing today. You’re probably one of the first five on the list. Maybe you even know every one of the first five. Maybe they’re your friends. Maybe one of them started the list at 4am when their bartending shift let out and they signed you guys up so you could sleep an extra half an hour.

I’m not bitter. I’d do the same thing if I had five friends.

Instead I crashed on my uncle’s couch on 69th street in sweatpants and a Hedwig t-shirt, rolled outta bed thirty minutes ago, tucked my hair into this cloche hat and said “eh. Good enough for the gal who’s about to be number 162 in line.”

My roommate recently told me that these kinds of hats were called cloche hats and now I like to say “cloche hat” whenever possible because it makes me feel like Blair Waldorf.

But I’ll bet you already knew what a cloche hat was.

Ahhh, I see you’re reading “Eat, Pray, Love.” I’m not judging, I think it’s great. I mean I never read it myself, but Julia Roberts was in the movie and she doesn’t star in just anything. I loved her in “Wonder.” I saw “Wonder” in theaters with my mom and my Aunt Martha and I cried like a baby. #girlsnightout #wonder #kleenex #juliaroberts

Yes, better see if that flat iron is hot yet. It’s a Chi, they warm up pretty fast. I got a Chi for Christmas once, but then two weeks later my hair fell out so I didn’t get much use out of it. Isn’t it ironic? (Don’t ya think?)

Ugh love Alanis Morissette. Did you hear about Jagged Little Pill: the Musical? Who am I kidding. Of course you did. You’re up to date on your Playbill.com news. You’re you!

Yes, girl, plug in that iPhone. It’s about to be a long three hours and I want you to get full use out of that extension cord. In fact, I hope you brought a crockpot.

Guess what?

I don’t really know what a crockpot is.

People talk about making things in their crockpots all the time and I just smile and nod and go “ohh yeah crockpots, love it,” but what I’m really thinking is “sweet baby Jesus I love Celeste microwave pizzas they’re 99 cents and I love running my index finger around the perimeter of the pizza and licking the excess cheese off in a manner that’s more sexual than necessary.”

One time my mom said “Jesse I need you to turn the crockpot on at 4 o’clock.” So I turned it on at 4:17 when I remembered.

Oh, you don’t need a crockpot. You brought Shakeology. I drank Shakeology that time I did the 21 day fix for nine days. But today I just brought this Nutella and dipping sticks pack because I recently discovered them at Duane reade and said “where have you been all my li-i-i-ife” a la Rihanna.

Are you on the 21 day fix? If so, what are you trying to fix? I really want to know. I’m curious about a lot of things, which, truly, is at the heart of this letter. Try to sift through the sarcasm and useless anecdotes and see what’s really going on here: I’m obsessed with you.

I’m in awe.

I have so many questions, not the least pressing being WHAT ARE YOU SINGING TODAY!? Is it “You’ve Got Possibilities”? Is it “Vanilla Ice Cream”? I’ll bet it’s “You’ve Got Possibilities” or “Vanilla Ice Cream.” You strike me as the “You’ve Got Possibilities” or “Vanilla Ice Cream” kind of gal.

Do you work at Lululemon? Is that how you can afford that gym bag full of Lululemon? Do you like working at Lululemon? I’ve heard it’s a great place to work and they do the cha cha slide at team meetings.

Do you sleep?

Do you eat gluten?

Do you like Survivor?

Are you EMC?

How do crockpots work!?

Can we be friends?

Teach me your ways!!!

And also can I plug my phone into your extension cord?

Xoxo,

Cloche Hat (Blair Waldorf)

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