An Open Letter to My Ex

Oh, the things I want to say, the anger, the questions, the answers I need, the why’s, the what if’s & the dreams that never came true. I know full well I’ll never get any of these & if you ever read this, I hope that maybe you can call some time? Have some peace from the past? As much crap that happened between us, you’re the only one I want to forgive, the only person I’d ever sit down with & just lay it all out on the table. If you read this, say Hi some time?

I decided to write this because we went through so much & safe to say the hell side of things were HELL! The things still haunt me, the comments we made to one another, the actions I felt I had to do & the guilt that came with them. But let me get this straight to anyone reading this, the things I did, I couldn’t control. I don’t blame her for everything but bringing out the violent side of me I do. At this point I wasn’t aware of my Borderline Personality Disorder; looking back it makes me wonder how I didn’t even see it. Unless she triggered something in me, I’ll never know...

When I first met you, I didn’t even think I was gay, I just thought I was unattractive to guys or they couldn’t tell if they liked me or not. I couldn’t read signals so who knows?

Anyway, you were weird like me, you made me laugh, called me funny names & flirted with me. How could I not fall? Truth is I never fell in love with you, looking back it was just one of those “I thought I was in love but really it was just lust, it was hope for love, it was me loving the feeling of being wanted.” I feel sorry for that but truthfully, I’m not because we all do things when we're young. Safe to say you did more of the hurting than me, not a game I know.

I was really in awe of you, like I looked up to you, I wanted to be like you, I wanted your looks, but I never once acted like you. I tried to embrace who I was, you said I was beautiful & that you loved me for who I am. Funny how those were the very things that you made me feel awful about. We knew what we’d both been through in the past but, yet we messed up everything for each other.

Remember that friendship group we used to have? I loved those people! But after confiding in you, I lost them because you went behind my back! This was all so childish, but I trusted you! What the hell was I thinking in staying with you for 3 years?

You called me a harpooned whale once, remember that? Remember what you said about me? All the things I thought I’d never hear again after my past. But here I am, faced with you! You used to laugh in my face, you let your class buddies text me about you two cheating on me.

DID YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT WAS OKAY?

I did things, I acknowledge I was physically abusive to you 3 times. I’m aware that I did this, but do you remember before the first time? You were pushing my legs & telling me to fight you, you going on & on about it. I think that day I flipped & yeah, I hit you. The second time I threw a remote at you across the room & hit you, I didn’t intentionally mean to, but I take the blame for that. And the last time? 4am in my parent’s house, you were drunk, clawing at me to go downstairs & get pizza? I slapped you to try get you to stop, you wouldn’t stop. I was tired & a little tipsy myself. I know that gave me no right to do any of that to you, I was never violent before you & I haven’t been after you. We were just unhealthy & yeah, I screwed up & made mistakes, but I wasn’t to blame for it all.

Those days where I wouldn’t hear from you till 11pm because you thought it was normal to only say goodnight to me, how many messages did I send because I worried. Now really it was just because you could do it to me, right? You honestly didn’t care how it made me feel when you ignored me, when your sister said I was a cheat & let’s face it, if anyone was going to cheat it was you.

Think some days I wish you would have, it would have been a great reason to feel the heartbreak I felt.

I found your Twitter, you publicly said I faked my mental health problems. I was on antidepressants because of how much you made me feel like the smallest person in the world, lord knows why I stayed. I deserved better than you!

THANK GOD, we broke up after that, we were too young to have a relationship like we had. I may have overreacted sometimes, I may have made you cry but at least I had the balls to admit my mistakes. Your mum was even nasty to me, blaming it all on me, you walked out on me & left me alone at your house in the middle of nowhere!

Crazy looking back & realising that I didn’t fit into your life; your college friends were horrible, our friendship group hated me & your family just tolerated me. My family gave you a key to the door, you were fed like royalty whereas at your house I had no food for an entire day because there was nothing in your house (just know I would have made sure you had food, why couldn’t you have treated me the same?).

To top it all off, you still tried to talk to me as if we were going to be friends or something, you bragged about your new girlfriend & how you were a step mum. When I mentioned I was in a long-distance relationship with my fiancé, you shut it down & said it wouldn’t last. You wanted control, not any kind of friendship.

After everything, I still wonder how you are, where you are, if you’re happy. I bet you don’t give me a second thought.

This is me, drawing the line under everything, saying sorry for my part in our awful relationship & attempting to forget it all.

I hope you’re happy, I hope you forgave me in your own way & know I’m okay with you.

Please know I acknowledge I was awful but you were too & we did the right thing going our separate ways.