An Open Letter to Him: If Only You Could Feel What I Feel

They say the old adage goes like this:

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I never thought I would fall victim to that until I met you.

I let you fool me with the same damn shenanigans a second time. Everyone warned me against it. I'm not exaggerating either. Literally everyone who is remotely important in my life warned me against letting you back in.

But I wanted answers. I wanted closure. I wanted you.

I let myself get carried away. I let my guard down. I opened the door.

I tried to be smart about it. I set boundaries. I had conditions. You agreed to all of them. My boundaries didn't last long though. Maybe that's on me. I prodded. I pushed. You hesitated but you didn't let it stop you either.

And just like that, things were back to normal. A little over a year late, but it was like nothing had changed. I thought things were even getting better. Things felt right.

Until they didn't. You gave me nothing but mixed signals but when I'd ask for clarification, you made damn well sure to backpedal so that I wouldn't think too much into it.

God forbid I get the impression you actually liked me, right?

But I let that slide, too. Because I liked you. Because you're the only person I've clicked with in the last three years. Because you're the only person I feel at ease with. Because you're the only person I don't ever feel judged by.

Because you're the person my stupid heart set itself on for some stupid reason.

I tried to be okay with it. I tried to be satisfied with what I could get. I tried to be open minded. I tried to do the no strings attached, friends with benefits deal. And maybe I could even have been okay with it. After three years of unsuccessful dating, a girl gets lonely. And girls like me fall hard and fast.

With no other prospects, I took what I could get. Which doesn't exactly make me feel too great about myself, but there comes a point where something is better than nothing- and your company was exactly what I was missing.

Maybe you recognized that. Maybe you took advantage of it. Maybe it was too much for you. Maybe you got scared off. Maybe I annoyed you. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe maybe maybe...

Maybe I'll never find out.

You straight up ghosted me though. Literally in the middle of a conversation, you just straight up deleted me.

The worst part is that isn't the first time you've done that. But it is the first time you've done it that way. The first time I was kind of expecting it. You told me you were going to leave. But instead of coming back, you ghosted me. Then you showed up again and that's when this whole mess started.

Now here we are again.

I can't do this anymore. I can't live in fear of you leaving again. I can't live in fear of you getting sick of me. I can't live in constant anticipation of you deciding you have better things to focus on than me just to come back whenever it suits you, just as I'm getting my life back together again.

You ruined my entire day. It's absolutely amazing how it seems like you just know when I'm having a great time. You came back into my life when I was finally feeling good again. You left on the first good day I was having in quite some time.

Why?

Why do you hurt me?

My boundaries didn't last long, and I guess my conditions haven't either now.

All I asked of you was that you didn't make me feel stupid for letting you back in. And you promised me that you'd never do anything to ruin a second chance.

Yet here you are, hurting me.

I wish you could feel how you make me feel. I wish you would understand the crap you put me through. I wish you could see things from my perspective. I wish you would see things from my perspective.

I wish you would just be honest with me. I wish you would just act like an adult with me.

I'm not just a convenience to have around when you want and to discard when I'm no longer what you want in the moment.

I don't like to blame others for my own shortcomings, but you are the reason the difficulties I have with getting close to people and letting them in has gotten so much worse. I fell for you so hard and you completely screwed me over. And when I let you back in, gave you a second chance, you repeated the same things the exact same way.

I'm tired of trying to hold onto a broken heart. I'm tired of trying to piece a broken heart back together. I'm tired of trying to fit my broken heart into the mold you provide. I'm tired of feeling used. I'm tired of feeling like there's something I don't know. I'm tired of feeling like you're keeping things from me. I'm tired of second guessing myself. I'm tired of the situations you put me in. I'm tired of knowing that nobody supports my decision to give you a second chance. I'm tired of knowing that no one likes you despite never having met you. I'm tired of defending you. I'm tired of making excuses for you. I'm tired of downplaying the things that don't paint you in a good light. I'm tired of this.

I blocked you.

For the first time in my life, I actually blocked someone. And I don't plan to change that. I'm just sorry it had to be you.

I know you have other ways to get in touch with me though. It's just a matter of how much you want it. So if I ever truly meant anything to you, even just as a friend, you know how to reach me.

I may have closed that door, but you still have the key and I didn't change the locks. I just need to know what I'm really worth to you.

You once told me you'd see me on the other side. I don't know if that's what I want anymore, but in any case:

See you on the other side, love.