An Ode to the Diarrhea I Had a Few Days Ago

Look, I know it's been a while since a proper check in from me, I’m sorry. It’s just I’ve been more tired than angry lately. Anger takes energy. I had none to spare. Then I got mad about a thing. Then got a new therapist. That’s another story. But listen, now I’m fucking mad. Oh ho ho ho. Am I MAD. ENRAGED. And gassy.

Basically I’m the Dirty Bubble from Spongebob. You can be spared my anger if you know who I’m talking about.

I’m all gas and caca.

But first, a poem I crafted especially for this time (which was published previously here), from the bottom of my clenched asshole and the empty toilet bowl:

Look, I did the rocking

In circles

Side to side

Front and back.

I did the massaging

Circles counter clockwise

Downward on the left, across on the right

More circles.

I did the movement

Jumped up and down

Knee tucks

Deadbug rolls.

I did the damn drink tricks,

the Google, TikTok, John Fucking Hopkins medically recommended foods,

I ran up and down the stairs.

And what do I have to show for it?

Anger.

Aggression.

Anus clenching.

An assortment of burps.

A gurgle in my right lower side.

And not a single fucking shit in sight.

Shit.

(And all after one contaminated salmonella chicken, two days of diarrhea and vomiting, three separate medications, two vein pokey-pokeys, and an IV on a pole-treeeee. What is this, Shit Christmas?)

So you understand my predicament yes?

Look, I had a leak in the pipes and then I patched it up with a bunch of saltines and rice and now I’m backed up till sunrise.

What’s worse is that I’m gluten intolerant. So then saltines, right? GLUED MY ANUS SHUT.

Do you know what it’s like to visibly see what you are putting into your body but not seeing it LEAVE for over 72 hours??

And look, I couldn’t go back to the hospital for the third time and this time tell them it’s because I’m constipated as fuck??!

Hey Oneg, 3 times??

The first time, I was taken around midnight by my mother-in-law and wife. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me medication. Easy. Simple. Except they couldn’t find my veins (cause I’m a fucking warrior). So I got poked a bit.

And then we went back two days later.

No, not because of me (I was good I promise).

But because guess what. I gave my salmonella green caca water bacteria to my wife. Who proceeded to vomit a freshly eaten hot dog, Doritos popcorn, and rice crackers with jam (making a delicious rice vinegar odor that could kill a person). So obviously I took HER to the hospital to get medication.

But the doctor she saw was a shmuck. A tired cranky ugly faced MAN. USELESS. He did not set her up with an IV. He gave her a bunch of other meds and sent her off on her shitty way.

And then she left the pills in the hot sun and ate tacos. And then shat and puked at the same time a few hours later. Back to the hospital!

Finally she got hooked up with an IV though. Cause boy, she was in rough shape. I know. I was there. 2.5 days earlier. Poked twice- remember?

Anyways, I started this yesterday (pre-poop), and now it’s today (post-poop) so maybe I’m less angry. But yesterday I was livid. I tried everything to poop cause I didn’t want to go back to the hospital and get more meds and nonsense.

I ate a few prunes to say the least.

Had a decent bowel movement this morning (80+ hours poopless??)

Am feeling mostly better.

But look. It’s been a fucking few days and I’ve lost track of them. I just want to get back on a regular poop schedule. I'm not asking for much.

Just remember, fight for your electrolytes. Get the damn IV if you can. And remember, please for the love of GOODNESS and ANUSES, handle your raw chicken carefully.

(This wild ride of a storytime was originally posted on my Medium account here, but I figured y'all deserved a laugh too)