Amor Quod Poenitet

by Ollie about a year ago in breakups

'Love is regret.'

Amor Quod Poenitet

I don’t know why I’m here. Or maybe I do. I’m upset, and I shouldn’t be, so I have to write all of this away from the eyes of the people who can’t know I’m aggravated. Yet again, I was hoodwinked and blind to what was in front of me because I thought someone was cute. More than anything, he was convenient. I don’t like relationships, nor was I looking for one, especially with a 15-year-old boy that lives in the south. Considering how adamantly he tried to get me to date him, I eventually caved. "Why not? What’s the harm?" So I said yes, and he was sweet and it was so easy for me to think I made the right decision. Long story short, the relationship was more than one sided as it progressed and it just ended up with me crying more than me smiling. He cut it off, which I was glad for, because I just didn’t care. It was nice to say I had a boyfriend, for PR, I guess, even if it was just like having the ghost of one there. After he cut it off, I tried to be friends. I always try to be friends if we didn’t part terribly, and I regretted that, too. He had a history of racial slurs which I tolerated because I was simply numb to it, due to “meme culture” I suppose. He crossed a line when he commented the “n” word with a hard r under a post my blood mother and family could see. He didn’t understand that I didn’t want someone calling me a n*gger in front of my mother, or, at this point, at all. We argued briefly, but in the long run I dropped an ultimatum that he (for some reason) agreed to. Like he ever cared about being on good terms with me.

I was on vacation when he called me, saying he had good news. I made three guesses. “You have a new dog, you have a new girlfriend, or there’s something up with school.” (Keep in mind he explicitly described an 18-19-year-old with "great tits." I spared him my unreasonable annoyance considering my guy friends told me about this stuff fairly often). He said they couldn’t get a new dog, the second one was correct, and that school hadn’t started. I tried to explain to him I didn’t know when he started school because he never told me, but he just interrupted me that time too. My now ex-boyfriend informed me of his plan to fuck a girl with three bodies that is the same age as me. (I’ve gotta step up my game, huh?). He said he didn’t have a condom, I told him to wait. He responded that she could always get an abortion. We had a short debate over me finding him supporting abortion when he was a republican weird. He told me the story of how they met, and I listened. What are friends for?

The next day (and this is still during my questionably enjoyable vacation) he commented “tranny” under a post of mine. I deleted the comment, and he proceeded to say I shouldn’t "care" because I was a memepage. We had a long back and forth about the type of people we knew and an equally long one about how he felt about transgender people. I asked him to keep it to myself, saying we knew different people, and for about the fifth time, he called me a little bitch. When I asked him when he was gonna stop crying about it and actually do something, he blocked me on everything I had contact with him on. Except for discord, but I don’t give enough of a shit about him to even open the website. It’s pissing me off because 1) He’s literally bisexual and in denial 2) Can’t fucking respect the wishes of someone that isn’t him 3) I can do better. I dutifully acknowledge that you have got to be a piece of living SHIT to make me miss an ex that lost feelings for me and proceeded to move on to my best friends. But that’s how it went. So on top

Of my everlasting anger, I now have to deal with the unfortunately familiar feeling of missing someone who’s 2700 miles away. I get the feeling that my current ex might come crawling back, and I’m still deciding on which method is the best to reject him. Do I piss him off for days? Do I make him hate himself and regret ever talking to me? Or do I just express regret, make accusations that are almost undoubtedly true, and demand the truth? Of course, for the last one, I’m not actually forgiving him. I maybe keep up the forgiveness act for two days and then I do what I need to do. I gained nothing but self esteem issues from that relationship, not to mention the friendship. I could always use a rebound, but the only person available to me is definitely out of my age limit, and is getting sent out for the Navy on my first ex’s birthday. They even have the same middle name. Funny, right?

None of my friends seem to really care about my struggles, and the ones I haven’t told will just scorn me for feeling this way. I can’t blame them. They are the ones who sat on the phone with me while I cried my eyes out over another bullshit excuse. The only escape I have now is binge watching TV shows that mildly catching my interest, and doing hobbies that no longer have my interest. I wish I could say I had my friends to distract me from the shit I’m dealing with (including a handful of stuff I didn’t mention in here). They’re all living their lives, free from relationship and people troubles because no one else cares like I do, even when I’ve already proved to myself that anyone else’s way is much fucking better. Well, they just don’t care about the type of people I do. I made my bed, and now I lay in it. For me, this means I’ve got to rough it out with anger management methods and reading the quotes on my wall. It’s not easy. It’s not pleasant. I sit in my bed and I deal with my shit when I wish I could just give it to someone else. I’ve given up on my hobbies, so I exchanged it for writing out my feelings on the internet, so here I am.

To the person this article was mostly written about: fuck you. You don’t get to make me feel like a shitty person, a weak person, for caring, when all I did was care about you and expect that dedication back. Fuck you for that. Even now, when I look through my camera roll, you’re in there. People say that you take and keep pictures of what you’re afraid to lose. I guess that’s why you never asked for pictures of me.

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