All that's Left
Post-apocalypse journal entry
Journal entry 06/29/2021
Love. The only thing you can bring with you. The only thing that will outlive you. I didn’t expect to end up here-does anyone end up where they expect to? This ending really got me, though. I can’t tell if it’s really the end or the start of something new. I survived an apocalypse. Me. Why? What meaning could my life possibly have now with nothing left as it once existed? Is there some other purpose for my life extension? Or, like most opportunities in my life, did death simply overlook me? I’m old enough to have lived some, but too young to conceive of the end of it all. Am I dead? Is this purgatory? Somewhere in between life and death that eludes me? I’ll tell you-it looks a whole lot different than what I knew life to be- but it strangely doesn’t feel all that different; The elusiveness of it all is familiar. What do I do now? Who am I? What business do I have still standing here? I asked these questions before…I’m just asking them now with less garments pretending to answer me.
We seem to be more aware now than ever of ourselves. Global consciousness has risen while the structures once idolized have collapsed. A lot of people went down with it. The others that stand with me are just as confused-though some of them appear to know something I don’t. This further makes me question what the hell I am doing here. Am I one of the wise ones? Do I have something to teach? Do I still have something to learn? What have I learned? Money is meaningless, prestige was a set-up, happiness never existed, and our lives never did, either. I liked it better before knowing better. But I guess I haven’t really lived yet from this place. This place that isn’t built on illusions or greed or empty promises. People are softer. I guess being stripped of everything you once wrapped yourself in to feel alive will do that to you. It feels more broken than the old life, but more honest, too. I don’t know yet if I feel vindicated or cheated. Knowing nothing matters makes me want to stay to see what happens from here.
I never imagined I would live a second life in the same lifetime. The heart-shaped locket around my neck reminds me of simpler times-even though it never felt simple. The picture inside of my children laughing fills me with love and heartache. Where was I then? Where am I now? I made eggs this morning while looking out my window at the sun rising. Another day greets me as if nothing stood in its way. I guess I feel similar. I don’t even remember what I used to fuss about. Bills, laundry, paperwork, traffic, physical ailments, fear of the unknown…that stuff used to plague me. It all means nothing now. The only meaning I can muster out of this life is the love that I experienced in it. That is really all there ever is and all that still keeps me going-because although I lost the life I knew I did not lose the love it bestowed me. I won’t be here forever, but with the time I have left I want to experience love every way that I can. In a smile, in a memory, in a painting, in a person, in a snowstorm, in a sunset, the rain, in a song, and in the idea of what’s to come. If ever I forget what matters again-my locket will remind me that love is all there really is.
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