All I Want For Christmas Is To Be Left Alone

Dear Santa,

I know it has been a while since you have seen my name on your nice list. I truly have worked hard this year to not say anything if I couldn't say something nice and to treat others as I would want to be treated. Even though, I know this means I should expect a visit from you this Christmas Eve, I wanted to write to ask to please just fly past my house this year.

There is no sense in stopping by for a visit as Christmas will not be celebrated by me this year.

There will be no tree, no decorations, no holiday music, or home-baked goodies. You will not find presents wrapped with bows or yuletide logs all a glow. There will be no pinecones with the scent of cinnamon to fill the air's aroma. You will not find me wearing pants covered in reindeer or wearing an ugly sweater to show off my holiday cheer. I am not mailing out holiday cards with words of praise or well wishes for a Happy New Year.

Please understand, I just can't this year!

A time when we should feel loved, and eager to exchange gifts with those that bring us cheer... is causing me to feel empty, lost... and filled with fear! In the past, I have put my heart and soul into showing others how much they truly matter. By giving gifts that were creative, made by my hands, with ideas from my heart... to only be made fun of, judged, and emotionally torn apart.

Deep sigh...

So Santa, can you please spare me the holiday chatter and give me the greatest gift of all this year. A hall pass, get out of jail free card, or whatever you would prefer to call it. Just please, leave me alone this year! I don't want to feel bad. I don't want to hurt. I also don't want my friends and family to suffer from my grinch attitude. I know people are going to say this all just a front and that you should still stop by to make sure I don't hurt or spend the holidays alone.

The truth is, I do and I want to be!

Two years ago, I lost everything in a house fire. I lost my children's homemade ornaments and decorations collected over the years. I watched years of traditions, memories, and irreplaceable gifts get swept away within the ash, melted debris, and broken glass. I cried for material objects that I knew could never be replaced or purchased again.

Santa, I stopped believing that year!

I forced myself to participate last year, in hopes of not bringing any negativity to those around me that still were filled with cheer. I did not want others to worry or try so hard to make me feel better. So I pretended everything was okay in hopes of not spoiling my children's Christmas. This year, I can't! I won't! Please, don't make me have to play pretend. I truly am good with being ignored once again!

Let my children and their families be full of love, laughter, and provide them with traditions they will follow for years to come. Let them fill your presence and lift their hearts to the real meaning behind this time of year. Give them peace in knowing, I am perfectly fine! Don't allow them to be consumed by feelings of guilt or questions as to if their mother is okay. Let them all celebrate this year without thoughts of my despair. Let them be festive, happy, and smiling from ear to ear. Let them wake at the earliest of hours on Christmas day to watch the joy on their children's faces as they open gifts and play all day.

I know this is not the letter you had hoped to receive from me.

Just know, Dear Santa... although, I want nothing to do with Christmas this year. I still believe in you and look forward to your visit next year. Then you will see, once again a beautifully decorated tree. Yuletide logs glowing and cinnamon scented pine cones There will be a plate of cookies made just for you. Right next to the hand-written thank you card for giving me the silent treatment this year.

Instead, I will be cooking dinner and playing games with my children, children from other mothers, and their children the second weekend of the new year. It will be a fresh start and a happy home. No grinch attitude or wishing I could just be left alone.

I know this letter is not typical and probably gave you a reason to bump me back to the naughty list.

You do whatever you feel necessary Santa to justify my request. I hope you have a safe trip traveling all over the world.

I will see you next year when my holiday spirit is back and the grinch attitude is nowhere near!

Merry Christmas Santa!