Affected

Have you ever felt as if you’re in a world of your own? And not in that good way—y’know, with all the daydreaming and being happy inside and blah blah blah. I mean the other kind of “world of your own.” The one where you feel you’re the only one that’s there and you just feel so alone and betrayed by the ones you trust the most? Where you’re stuck with the same emotion every single day and it becomes more and more visible to the human eye? It’s like no one cares and they just watch as you just die inside, drowning in sadness? I feel everyone has been there in life...but if you haven’t, I’m so happy for you and I hope you never get put in that place.

This story is just about my life, more specifically, how my life is right now. It all seems dull to start with, but trust me, it’s not all dark. There are some amazing parts to this story. I’m not quite sure why I’m writing about this. I mean, I don’t exactly expect strangers to be interested in another stranger's life, but hey...life is full of surprises. Maybe I just feel the need to write about this to vent? Or to come to a sudden realisation of what is still good in life, or maybe to get myself some closure? Either way, I’m best to stop rambling on and actually get to writing.

Relationships—I feel that’s where I should start. I’ve been in a few relationships in my life, but I’d have to say three have been very serious ones (currently dating the third). My relationships have been emotional rollercoasters, and I’m sure all, if not most relationships are like that. The first serious relationship I had was with a guy I had a crush on since I was the age of nine. It took me roughly five years just to tell him I had feelings for him, and somehow he had feelings for me? It made me happy, it really did. However, that may have been the hardest breakup I had ever had. I know it’s not long, but we dated for three months, then, after that, nine months (so total that...a year). It felt like so much longer and I feel that’s because we were so open towards each other that we knew, even when we didn’t date, there would always be a place in our hearts for each other. Anyways, back to how it was the hardest breakup. I guess my feelings were just that strong and I had so much faith in us that I couldn’t imagine it ending, but it did. I was miserable and I felt as if I had done something wrong. I got “dumped” for no reason at all; one day I got told I was loved, and the day after, I got told it was all over. It completely destroyed me. I thought I couldn’t trust again. I was promised I wouldn’t be left, and I was. The one I thought was the love of my life had broken my promise and had broken my heart.

The second serious relationship—now this one is way more of an emotional rollercoaster, trust me. Doesn’t sound it, but it was. I met this guy in college and I remember how we met. It was funny and sweet, but it was strange, because I’m not one to connect with someone as soon as I meet them. But with this guy, as soon as he spoke to me, for some reason I just wanted him to keep talking to me and to never stop, which was funny because after that, we never really spoke properly, but we hung out with two other people. I guess I was just really shy, plus I have social anxiety so it isn’t the easiest thing for me.

Once we started talking, we hung out after classes. There was this time we laid down on a hill together just to look at the stars. It was lovely. Before I knew it, I was leaning on his shoulder as if he was someone I’ve known for so long and was so close to, but by then we’d only known each other for a few weeks. That was the night he asked me on a date. I personally thought it was sweet; he was quite anxious and he thought he was stuck in the friend zone.

Before our date, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I felt so happy. I hadn’t felt that happy in so long, it was amazing and was probably the best day of my life. We bonded so well. We were in the same course in college, which made it so much better. He did the sweetest things, like hold my hand while we were sitting in class. He’d give me kiss on the cheek so he could make sure I was okay, he’d help me with my work, and he’d support and care for me when I needed it the most. He’d always stick up for me if anyone had anything to say about me. He really did treat me like a princess, and for that I am truly grateful. He was one of those guys that was genuinely sweet and wouldn’t want to see anyone get hurt. He was the type of guy you could go to about anything and he’d try his hardest to help you out. He was also very intelligent, which came in handy, too.

I met his mother days after he and I started dating. It was nerve-racking, but I did it and it was nice. I was shy but she made me feel welcome. I then met the rest of his family at a New Years party. It was fun and lovely. I loved meeting them all. They’re all kind-hearted and hilarious. They’re also very interesting people. He also met all my family; they all loved him (probably still do). He’s the only guy my family has approved of, and I’m not surprised.

Doesn’t that all sound lovely? It was lovely, and you wouldn’t think anything could get in the way of all that. However, after the New Year, it got worse. So much worse. I never mentioned this part, but he has a best friend. Now, I’m not one for the saying “Male and female cannot be best friends without having feelings.” I believe they can. But this case? The saying was true. He had a best friend that was female. I had only heard of her and I had never met her. I heard so many nice things and I’m sure she’s lovely.

I was once walking with him after a stressful day and, out of nowhere, my mind slipped into bad thoughts and I realised just how much he talked about her. Yeah, I mean, she’s his best friend, but I felt it was a little too much; even his laptop password was her name. While thinking about it all, I realised how focused he was about her life, and how he didn’t actually seem so focused on mine. I don’t know how it happened, but I just came out with the question. I asked him if he had feelings for her in the past and he came out with, “Well yes, but it’s confusing, really. Yeah, in the past I have,” and I felt he wasn’t telling me it all. So, although I felt I knew the answer, I asked the question I dreaded to ask: “Do you still have feelings for her?” And he came out with it. He said, “No, I mean yeah, I don’t know,” and I cried. I just sat there and cried. I had no words. I felt broken, humiliated—lied to. I felt confused.

He tried to explain that he had feelings for her but he wanted to be with me. See, to me that didn’t make sense at all. I couldn’t, nor can’t I, see how you can have feelings for two people and want to be with one. To me it looked like he had his "best of both worlds," having these feelings for his best friend he got to speak to every day and having a girlfriend he got to show his feelings towards every single day. I asked silly questions due to how hurt and confused I was. I asked questions I knew the answers to. I asked if she was better, if I was second choice, and, if he had the chance, would he be with her right now instead of me? And sadly, I got all the answers I didn’t want to hear but knew I would hear.

I was numb. I didn’t know how to feel. I sat awake for three days straight. I didn’t go to college. I just physically and mentally couldn’t go. I couldn’t face him. I sat listening to our song with tears running down my face. I was so hurt to the point where I could feel the physical pain of it, where I vomited because I was that upset. He was upset, too. I don’t know why, but he was. He told me a few days later that he was over her, but I wasn’t stupid. I know feelings don’t just go. You know what the worst part was? He promised me he was over her, and that was the day I realised that I couldn’t trust anyone’s promises any longer.

I stayed with him. I was in love. I didn’t want to lose that. I hadn’t been happy for so long, till I met him. I thought he was going to be different, but he was worse. But I stayed because I didn’t want to give up. I stayed because I knew, deep down, he was a lovely guy with a heart of gold. I think another reason I stayed was because he was the first guy everyone approved of, and I knew being with him made people close to me happy. I stayed with him for him, because I thought, somewhere in him, he did have true feelings for me and I wasn’t just a “second choice.” I decided to try to trust him when he said he was over her. I tried and tried but it hurt so much. I couldn’t be beside him sometimes. I couldn’t hold his hand at other times, and every time he complimented me, I couldn’t help but feel he was thinking of her beauty in his head when complimenting mine.

I became paranoid, insecure, and scared. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to tell. I felt alone and lost. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a relationship with him or a relationship, in general. I struggled to sleep, eat, and take care of myself. I was stuck in my room because my mental health took over my physical health. He was still there for me. He came to see me after college, every single day. He cancelled plans he had, took days off work so he knew I was okay. I appreciated that, but I never understood why he did that for me if he was in love with someone else.

Months after he told me about her, I asked him one more time. I gave him one more chance to be honest with me. I asked him if his feelings for her were still there. He said they were. I know I knew they were, but I was still so hurt that he had continued to lie to me because of his own selfishness of not wanting to lose a relationship.

I was distant towards him. I slept all day and stayed awake all night. He started to become aware of this. He didn’t question it. I feel he was too upset to. Perhaps he felt guilt because he knew what he had done caused me to act that way towards him? He knew I went out at night. I hung out with a work friend. He’s a nice guy, I think he knew I had problems, but he did, too. I felt I could speak to him about it all, so I did. He was there for me, he kept me safe, and he listened to me. I was his number one priority. We became closer and, suddenly, my feelings for him became more than just friendship, and that made me realise I was just as bad as the guy I was dating. I had feelings for another person while in a relationship, I felt guilty, but I also realised what it was like, and it was tough. Things ended between me and him. We broke up over the phone. He broke up with me. I never got to tell him about my feelings for someone else, but I think, on some level, he knew already.

Now, my third relationship—my current one. Remember the guy I was talking about? The work friend? That’s who I’m with right now. It’s been amazing. We are so similar, but we have our differences. Yes it’s not been all happy; we’ve had our ups and downs, too, but we always solve them in the end and we’re so close to each other. We spend every day together. We basically live with each other.

It feels wonderful being with him. We used to spend nights together in McDonald's till early hours in the morning, then we’d walk about and sit somewhere just to chat about anything. This was before we were dating. It was as if we were already dating. Everything became about him. He was always messaging me, and I’d always message him. We would always sleep the day away and we’d meet at night. That was till I started staying at his place. Now we spend the day together and sleep beside each other at night, and I couldn’t ask for anything better. He’s turned my life around for the better. He’s made me realise things I’ve never realised about myself before. He’s helped me conquer my fears and he never fails to put a smile on my face. We’re like a little family—myself, him, and the dog. It just feels too good to be true.

I guess that’s why I always get paranoid. My past relationships, they were great, but then there was always the huge disappointment. I fear that hasn’t come up yet with this one, and I dread the day it does. The fears: What if he’s in love with someone else? What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if he cheats on me? All those fears will forever haunt me. But he tells me it’s okay. He tells me I’m perfect and he promises me he’d never do any of that, and he wouldn’t want to.

That’s the problem...he promised. Promises mean so much to me. Although people see them as childish, I see them as reassuring, and I trust them. I do trust him, but the fear of “what if” just stays with me, and the fear that I’ve been promised before, but that never stopped anyone. It hurts me because I want to trust him and I feel I do, but if I really did, then why would I ever doubt him? I should never doubt him, but I let the past haunt me and I’m terrible for that.

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