Adventures in Dating, Pt 1: Are You My Unicorn?

***If you’re one of my family members, please save us both the embarrassment and don’t read this***

Online dating has never been an easy task, but dating as a millennial during the middle of a pandemic feels near impossible. Joining all the available apps, swiping constantly, trying to find someone you’re attracted to, and then trying to establish a connection with those few prospects? Good luck. I imagine the dating scene in Portland, OR is similar to dating in any US city - frustrating, disappointing, yet at times hilarious. This is a faithful account of my experiences.

Please note, aliases have been assigned to each respective suitor because obviously I don’t want to be sued.

It all started on Christmas 2021 when I decided to end my three year relationship. We’d had plenty of problems over the years, broken up once, which is when I moved to Portland, gotten back together long distance with many promises of him moving up to me from California over the following two years, and the straw finally broke the camel’s back on Christmas. I believe I waited until the following day to try to break up with him, but he insisted that I “wait a week and think about it”. So I waited my week before talking to him again, but in my mind I was already single and ready set to mingle. And that’s exactly what I did.

I had briefly joined Bumble and Tinder back in 2018 and again in December 2019 before getting back together with my ex, so those were my first stops in my new dating quest. I was swiping, swiping, swiping, not seeing anyone I was interested in, when finally I noticed a guy mention on his profile that he was just using that app until he “met his wife on Hinge”. That caught my interest. I immediately downloaded Hinge, completed my profile, and within minutes I had many more “likes” than expected. One of those first matches is who I will refer to as NYE Guy.

Not gonna lie, the reason NYE Guy stood out to me is because he was handsome, looked jacked, and I knew he was into me since he had sent the “like”, staving off my own insecurities. We texted pretty constantly on the app that first day, he gave me his number, and we continued talking, sharing memes, flirting, and eventually sexting throughout the week. We had SO much in common, it seemed unreal that I could’ve possibly found Mr. Right on the first attempt. He had everything I wanted, a stable career, no prior marriage or children, and he specifically said he was looking for a wife to start a family with. He sounded like my own goddamn unicorn. I was so excited about him in fact that I told several friends about him and they all became increasingly invested in the outcome of our “love story”.

Finally, it was NYE and my week of waiting to talk to my ex was over, so I called him as soon as possible and ended things. We were both upset, but I was firm in my decision and knew it was the right choice for me. Plus, I wanted to leave that toxicity in 2021 where it belonged and make sure I was “officially” single when I went out with NYE Guy later that night. Judge me as you see fit.

As anyone with online dating experience knows, the first rule of meeting in person is to always do so in a public place, so we met in a grocery store parking lot, which in hindsight really wasn’t a great choice. Upon meeting, I was a bit disappointed that he wasn’t taller, though I already knew he wasn’t from the app, and I was a bit shocked by his voice being slightly nasally because apparently I’m more of a shallow bitch than I knew. Regardless, I followed him to his place, where we planned on your standard Netflix and chill since we were already incredibly into each other after several days of intense flirting.

Unfortunately the conversation we had that night wasn’t the good banter we’d had while texting. It didn’t flow at all, which is especially unfortunate since anyone who knows me knows I am ridiculously chatty and will perform conversational CPR as needed. Nonetheless, we cuddled and watched a show, finally progressing to making out. And that’s when things really truly went south.

It was terrible. I honestly couldn’t figure out what was happening with his tongue, so rather than get into the mood, I just got incredibly confused. How do I make out with this guy? It was far different from any of my previous make out experiences thus far. And then it happened. My chin was in his mouth! I don’t mean sexy kisses along the jaw and neck. I mean my actual chin was inside his mouth. How the hell did that happen? Was he literally trying to eat my face? Just when I couldn’t handle any more, a new episode of the show started and I used it as an excuse to turn back towards the tv, get away from him, and wipe the slobber off my face. Weeks later he told me he had worried that I thought he smelled bad. I gently explained to him what had happened and he insisted he has no recollection of the event.

Over the following hour he tried his damnedest to get me back over to him, while I continually moved myself away. I intently watched the episode, desperately waiting for it to be over so I could make my escape from the disappointing night. Finally it ended, I claimed to be falling asleep, and insisted I head home. He seemed resigned to the idea, disappointed to have not gotten past first base.

By this point it was 11pm, all the lights in the house were off, and I couldn’t see a thing. I paused, hoping he might turn on a light, but when none turned on I stumbled my way down the dark stairs, put on my boots, and turned towards him. We had the obligatory end of date hug, he gave me a quick peck, which didn’t have any hint of the chin-eating fervor he’d had earlier, and was actually nice, but then he closed the door behind me instead of walking me down the dark street to my car parked more than a block away because his neighbors were hosting NYE parties. Yet another strike against the man I’d had so much hope for.

I called one of my best friends on the drive home, reliving every detail and after she finished laughing her ass off at how horribly my date had gone with Mr. Perfect On Paper, she agreed with my assessment that I shouldn’t give him another chance. As soon as I got home I saw he had texted me “Happy New Year” and I immediately told him that it was nice getting to know him, but there wasn’t any chemistry in person. He took it well and was a complete gentleman, while I drowned my sorrows in a mojito and a few episodes of “Sex and the City”. A few weeks later he texted me and we agreed to be friends since we have so much in common. Little did I know he would be my literal hero.

If you liked this story please be sure to subscribe, there's plenty more to come in this series. The story of how NYE Guy became my own personal hero will be posted soon! Xx