Abused

I’ve recently came out of an 8-month relationship, my first, and (hopefully) the worst I will ever have. I’ve seen many stories on YouTube where people vent about their past abusive relationships, and after some time, they discovered how terrible their ex was. I discovered that after about a week on going on a “break.”

Our relationship started off completely great. We were in the same class and sat next to each other. We talked quite a bit in class, and I made her laugh a lot. During our last class (before Corona hit and our campus shut down) we really began talking. After class, we talked for a few hours over text. We started to talk everyday over text and I eventually asked her out and she said yes. We planned our first date for Friday the 13th but decided to go out on Monday 9th on whim since we had nothing else better to do. We walked around a lot and ended up in her car until 5 in the morning.

Things moved very quickly, very quickly. Since our school was shut down due to Corona and since there was nothing else to do, we would meet up everyday and used to leave each other around 2 or 3 in the morning. Things were great during this time. For about 2-3 months, we would see each other every day, meet up at a park, do something during the day, go back to the park, have sex 2 or 3 times, and then leave. At first, we used condoms, but then she didn’t want to use them because it felt better without one. But I always made sure to pull out, until she told me that she wanted me to finish in her and that she knew how to prevent a pregnancy.

Things were great during this stage. Eventually I started hanging out at her house a lot. Her dad worked all day, and her mom would be in and out, as would her sister. I got to know her family very well and her mom allowed me to cook in her kitchen. My ex then took me to meet her grandparents who lived on a lake an hour away. Her grandparents adored me, and I would come down to the lake about once a week. Everything seemed to be perfect, but then it wasn’t. Suddenly, my ex started to become “bitchy.” One time at the lake, she was tubing, everything seemed normal until she fell off the tube. After about a minute, she climbed back onto the boat and shouted, “Fuck you, Mom!” I was completely astonished; I could never speak to my mom that way nor did her mom deserve it. I did not say this, but I was certainly taken back by it. More events like this followed and she started to give me attitude.

A week later, she started to complain about period symptoms (something she’s never done before). Her period was also not coming. I had a bad feeling. I told her that I thought she was pregnant, but she shrugged it off. Fast forward a couple days later to July 4th. We were all going to the lake for the weekend. She complained about her period symptoms and I told her that we are taking a test when we get back. Stubbornly, she decided to prove me wrong right then and there. She went to the store, took a test, and came down the stairs crying uncontrollably. My heart sunk when I saw the results of the test. I’ve always wanted children (I work with children and have worked with 400+), but I was also 18 and not married.

First thing she said, “I want an abortion.”

Me, being Catholic, told her, “Let’s hold off for a week or two, figure out our situation and then decide.” But I reassured her that I would stand by what she chose after a week or two.

We went down to the lake under the impression that we would not talk about the pregnancy at all while we were down there. It was all we talked about on the way there, while we were there, and on our way back. There was no escape not talking about it. Her opinion was 50/50 on keeping him, I was all for keeping him.

A few days later, her mom found out. Something we agreed not to happen yet. We still wanted to keep it a secret since we did not know what was going to be the decision. Within a day, most female relatives of my ex found out and started calling her. This only stressed her out even more. Then a couple days later, we had a miscarriage scare. She went to the hospital and we were not allowed in because of Corona.

Her mother and I were on board for keeping him (he was only about 5 or 6 weeks at the time). When she came back, she was in a terrible mood (given the fact that she was bleeding massive amounts and she was in pain, understandable). But she was firm on the fact that she wanted an abortion. Her mom and I tried to sway her and tell her that it’s not entirely bad, but she wouldn’t listen. For health reasons, she had an ultrasound the next week to make sure that everything was fine. We made an appointment at planned parenthood for an abortion scheduled a day after the ultrasound. After seeing the ultrasound, she couldn’t go through with the abortion and cancelled. We returned to her house and her parents and I discussed what possible arrangements we could make while she stayed in her room.

Things truly fell around here. Her attitude became worse (mood swings are a symptom for first trimester). She started to flip out on me and her mom. There would be times when my ex, her mom, and I would be talking about possible arrangements and she would flip out on the both of us. It was getting worse. She also worked the overnight shift and was already fatigued from being pregnant. I did give her a pass if she was working, but it was a mess. She made another appointment for an abortion. Every day she would come home from work and call me. A heated hour discussion would ensue where I would try to get her to sleep, but her anger was too much. Each call ended with, “I want an abortion…you mean nothing to me…I don’t want your kid anyways…I don’t care what you think…I wish it was dead…fuck you!”

It was terrible. I would also drive there everyday to take care of her (about 35-45 minute drive). Each day was an emotional rollercoaster. Then her mom started to get involved and started to manipulate both of us. She tried to have her give birth but have her mom adopt the baby, leaving me out of the picture. She also would try and confuse her repeatedly: “I think you should keep the baby...we have everything we need for a baby…get an abortion…you won’t make a good mom…your father and I can’t retire soon because of you!” Everything was falling apart. Abortion appointment made, abortion appointment cancelled, abortion appointment made, appointment cancelled. I lost count of how many cancelled appointments there were. It was at this point that I was beginning to break down.

The worst day of the pregnancy was the day in between both my birthday and my ex’s birthday. We had a joint party at the lake house with her family.

Her mom was bringing out dinner and my ex said, “Mom, you look stressed.”

“Oh no, I’m fine.” Her mom said, going back inside to get another tray of food.

When she came back out, my ex said, “Mom, you looked stressed, let me—”

“No shit! You think this is easy for me! My father was Alzheimer’s, my daughter is pregnant!”

My ex tried to only say that she was going to offer help but then my ex started to bark back at her mom. We all remained silent as this was going on. I truly did not know what to do. Then her mom slammed the table and stood up, “You know what, get an abortion, you would be a shitty mother anyways!” She went inside.

The most awkward moment of silence that will ever occur in my life happened at that moment. My ex got up and followed her inside. All hell broke loose. My ex and her mom started to go at it. Then things got physical between my ex and her sister (who was trying to defend their mom after my ex started to taunt her). My ex’s dad and I held back my ex. I did not want to touch her since she was pregnant. She threatened that she was going to punch me if I did not move. She didn’t, but she did manage to eventually go back to harassing her mom and her sister. Her grandma came into the house and told everyone that they have to leave. My ex flipped her off and said, “Fuck you!” I immediately pushed her up the stairs and told her that we were leaving. As she was pouting in the car, I apologized to her grandparents on her behalf and left.

Things were only getting worse than I could ever imagine. Fights were happening between me and her. At her sister’s graduation, she told me that she wishes that she never met me so that she wasn’t pregnant and that she really couldn’t care less that she was with me. I was broken, truly broken. Abortion appointment made, appointment cancelled, appointment made, appointment cancelled. Then there was the “final appointment” (around 10 weeks). I told her that there can only be one last appointment. Despite everything going on, I still wanted my son. She kept going back and forth but was more so 60/40 (60 being abortion). We had an appointment but went to counseling a couple hours before. Before the counseling appointment, I gave her a promise ring, to signify that I wanted to be a family together with our child. Long story short, the counseling went on for longer than expected. The time we left the counseling, it was the time for the abortion. I drove her back to her house. She was in a teary-eyed rage. Her mom called and it was very heated. I tried talking to her but she didn’t want any of it. Once I parked, she marched towards the garage and screamed, “I hope it dies!” Once we entered the house, she tore off the promise ring and slammed it on the table, a chip flew off the stone of the ring.

School started, things were at an all time low. My ex and I were fighting daily, and not even over the pregnancy anymore. It kept going back and forth and back and forth between abortion, no abortion, abortion, no abortion. Then one time, after school, I was in her room with her mom. We were talking and my ex was telling me about how much I piss her off and how I don’t matter to her in any capacity. It was becoming a regular occurrence hearing that. She also said that I wouldn’t leave her because of that since she was pregnant. I looked over to her mom, she nodded, I got up, packed up my things and tried to leave. My ex started to freak out. I told her that I was going to leave for a little bit and come back. She closed the door and locked it on me. I told her to let me through and she stood in front of the door, taunting me, saying how I wouldn’t push my pregnant girlfriend. Eventually it ended with her slapping me and I left. She tried to keep me from leaving by holding onto me and crying, but I wasn’t having it. I came back about an hour later after she called and apologized. The only reason why I returned was for my son, if she was not pregnant, that would have been the end of the relationship right then and there.

Then family drama ensued. During the course of this tragedy, her mom would call me and my mom everyday and discuss how to handle my ex. She would talk trash about her everyday and say: “We are so disappointed in her…she’s such a disappointment…she wouldn’t make a good mother…she’s soooooo immature…she’s this, she’s that, etc.” I told my ex the stuff that her mom was saying because if my mom was saying those things I would want to know. Long story short, shit hit the fan. I got a call where her mom was denying everything. Then she called my mom and accused her of not doing anything to support the pregnancy at all. I met up with my ex that night (out of her house). Her mom sent a long text saying how we were misinterpreting what she was saying over her medical condition. Then she sent a text to my ex telling her that she was willing to pull all financial support for the child. Everything was crumbling. Soon, my ex couldn’t leave her house. I was not going to go over there any time soon after what occurred. Then I tried calling my ex, she picked up, but after 30 seconds, her mom took the phone and started talking to me. A 3-hour long call where I was defending myself and my mom to my ex’s mom. My ex’s mom was making fun of my mom and my ex joined in. If it wasn’t for the pregnancy, I would have been done. The fights between my ex and I started to get personal. She started accusing me of things and used things I’ve told her against me.

Then my throat closed up one day. I could not breathe as I felt my throat closing it on itself. I went to urgent care (thinking that I got Corona). Turned out it was psycho-somatic (stressed induced). Everything was still falling apart around me. I took a few days away from everything (school, my ex, everything). Once I was better, my ex began fighting with me again. It was going nowhere. She was still telling me how she was going to get an abortion, and quite frankly, I was done with everything. If she was going to get an abortion, I wanted it done sooner rather than later (so he doesn’t feel any pain). I called her and told her that we were done. She begged for me to meet up with her so I reluctantly did. We met up at a park and she cried her heart and soul to me as I explained why (mainly because of how she was treating me and how she told me that she would chose her mom over me (despite being the father of her child). She told me that she wanted to keep the baby. It was that one thing alone that convinced me to stay. Things slowly started to get better from there. She surprised me the next day at school, and the next couple days. She gave me a poster with pictures of us and the ultrasound on it (I still have it only because it has a picture of my son, and I’m not throwing the few things I have of him).

Things were getting better. But her mom wasn’t. Every other day was a new problem. I had to meet up with her late at night because she had to escape her house because of her mom. Her mom would threaten support for the child and college. Eventually we both decided that the abortion was going to happen. It was the worst decision of my life and will forever be. There is not one day where I do not wish that something else could have happened. I tried to convince her to do adoption where she would get tens of thousands of dollars, but she refused. I told her that, because of her mom, I do not want her raising my son in that house with her and that I would not be afraid to call CPS if her mom did something to my son or threatened support in some sort of way. I tried to convince her to come live with me, she refused. I tried to convince her to share an apartment with me, one that I would pay most of the rent, she refused. Then we decided that the abortion was going to happen. At almost exactly 5 months, my son was aborted.

Things did not get better. Fights continually happened. On our 7-month anniversary, we ended the night with her telling me all the 100 ways how I annoy her and make her mad. She would continually flip out on me and it was not going away. I, for some reason, still wanted to be with her. Eventually, she stopped wanting to see me. She said because of schoolwork, which it was close to finals week so it was definitely likely that she had a lot to do. Then she sent me a picture over snap of a letter she wrote saying how she wants a break. I was insulted. All of this, and I get a snap? She said that I could still call and text her like normal but just not see each other in person. Then she unfollowed me on everything, never answered a call or anything. Then our text messages would look like this:

“Good morning :)” (me)

“Why did I wake up mad at you?” (her)

Or then she would tell me that she’s drunk or high because of me, because my annoyance to her drove her to drink and do drugs. Then the night before Thanksgiving, a huge fight broke out. These are some segments of the texts word for word:

“I’m responsible when I want to be. I don’t want to get back with you. I feel free sooo bye.” (Her)

“See ya.” (me)

“You gay tho. Fuck off. Loser. Would’ve left in July tbhh.” (her)

“I didn’t though for you and the baby’s sake.” (me)

“Tbh I never wanted to date you I just felt bad. I didn’t really love you. Go find a guy. Because fuck you. I hate you. I don’t miss you.” (her)

“Real mature.” (me)

“K. I’m glad I don’t have a baby with you would’ve looked fucked up. I don’t want your kids.” (her)

“Fine you’re not going to anymore.” (me)

*****

“I’m fucking mad at you. So screw you. You ruined my life. I don’t get drunk and high often but with an uptight asshole like you I fucking would. I literally have so much fucking hatred for you. I do not love you in any shape or form get that through your head, you’re nothing but a mess in my life. Also sex sucked. You were by far the smallest I’ve been with. Tbh. I’m not just saying that either. You’re petty. And lame. And a fucking dick. Go find a guy bc we both know you’re not straight. And that’s fine. But don’t waste my time.” (her)

“Oh I can do better. I’ll find someone who actually loves me and treats me with respect. You never respected me. I always felt like a servants to you, like I was always beneath you. You told me that wer were going on a break through a snap (if you had respect for me you would at least do it on a call). You would insult me, slap me, tell me I didn’t matter. Trust me I’ll find someone who actually wants me. Hopefully you can find someone who loved you as much as I did. Hopefully you’ll find someone who you’ll want to have children with. I’m sorry I failed you and caused you so much pain. Goodbye.” (me)

“Real mature. Says the one who never had a relationship hahahaha okaaaay. You kinda ugly too. Highkey. It was embarrassing being with you. I only post things I’m proud of. Never you. You were just a distraction during Covid.” (her)

*****

Before that night, I had already done some reflection where I looked back and realized how terrible the relationship was and how she mistreated me. I would come over everyday and get her a certain drink from certain places because it would cheer her up a little bit and I would get attitude in return. Then she was also upset that I wasn’t abusing her as well. She told me once that she would be all over me if I abused her, which I wouldn’t do. She also gaslighted me during the entire relationship. Everything was my fault. Why did everything argument start? Because of me? Why am I always getting yelled at? Because of me. Why is she upset? I don’t know but it was because of me. I was constantly told how terrible of a person I was and how I am responsible for every little insignificant thing in her life and how I ruined her.

I digress. She called me and I answered. First thing she said was, “You know I’m glad he’s dead right.” I hung up the phone shortly after that. She called again crying, pleading with me to take her back. Accusing me of not loving her because I did not want to take her back after everything, she told me. In her words, “It’s okay since I didn’t mean it.” What I really wanted to do was flip out on her, but I did not. Being a superstitious Catholic, I did not want my son (wherever he is) to see me and his mother fight. I decided to end things civilly.

What is the purpose of this? Besides from me venting, I’m also putting this out there so that someone can learn from my mistakes and learn from my story. I hope that no one else (male or female) goes through what I went through. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t reflect over everything that has happened. I always blame myself for everything, despite knowing that she had plenty of anger issues. Nothing I did was justified (that’s what I was told for the past few months of my life). I was told that I was just a nuisance, a problem, and that I only cause problems and never help with them. I still today think that many of the things that transpired are my fault (there are probably somethings I am responsible for which I will admit). She never admitted to anything, she was always right, I always had to be the bad guy, the wrong one, the one who ruined her life. She told me that I never cared. Meanwhile for most of the relationship she told me how little I mattered to her, yelled at me daily, and compared me to other guys she’s been with. Needless to say, I was definitely the good guy in the relationship, but I still always feel like the bad guy. I’m too scared to get into another relationship right now, despite the loneliness. I couldn’t see any of my friends because I had to take care of my pregnant girlfriend. Now I’m left alone with a memory of a son I could’ve had. Meanwhile, she’s made it clear to mention that she went on a couple dates already. I don’t think she did love me that much, and if she did, she had some demented way of showing it. Thank you for listening to my TED Talk. I hope maybe I helped someone with this.