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Abuse Is Not Love

How I Was Able to Find the Strength to Say Goodbye

By Jenna GoldbergPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Getting my first boyfriend at age 22 wasn’t exactly how I wanted my love life to start. Guys weren’t really into me in high school or college. I was always a “great friend.” Hearing that made me feel pretty pathetic. All I wanted was to have a guy in my life that loved me for me: not my looks, what my job was, where I lived... blah, blah, blah.

I was in a pretty bad place for a while since I thought no guy would want me. One day, though, I went out to meet some friends at a karaoke place I went to all the time. One of my friends showed up to play pool, and he brought someone with him. I went up to sing some songs, then I met up with my friend. He introduced me to his roommate. I have to say, upon first glance, I thought he was pretty cute. Super tall, kind of nerdy like me, dressed fairly nice... so we started talking. An hour later, we were kissing outside of the bar. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. I never thought this would happen to me. The end of the night came, and we exchanged numbers. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever hear from him again. I was wrong. He called me the next day, we hung out, and I became his girlfriend. Words couldn’t even express how happy I was. I thought I found the perfect guy who really cared about me. I thought he saved me from my sadness of being alone.

I thought this... for five years.

I tell this story as a cautionary tale to all women out there. Relationships are amazing, but this is not what happened in my case. I thought I was happy. In reality, it was the complete opposite. I later came to the realization that he was a controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive man who did everything in his power to keep me from leaving. How was he abusive and controlling? Let’s look at some evidence:

Anytime I was going to see my friends, he’d be there. Granted, we had similar friends, but he always made sure he was there. I thought it was cute at first. I later saw it was very creepy.

He did everything in his power to keep me from having a relationship with my family. My parents hated him. And not just hated, they did everything they could to get me away from him. He was scared I’d leave so he painted a very nice “picture” of what life would be like with him. He claimed that he would make sure I would be taken care of, I would have a place to stay (he lived with two crummy roommates) and no matter what, he’d protect me. Sounded nice at first, but my family was, and is, way more important.

I was a trophy to him. Anytime we went out, it was as if he was presenting me to his friends. He would brag about me and how “accomplished” I was. It wasn’t in the sense of “I’m so proud of her” or “she’s done so much.” It was more: “Look at her. I have her and you don’t.” It always made me very uncomfortable.

We did fight a lot. It got to the point where I did actually try to leave... MULTIPLE TIMES. He did something, though, that was so conniving and cruel. When I would try to leave, he threatened that he would commit suicide if I did. He would burst into tears and tell me that if he couldn’t have me, then there was no point living. Sadly, me, being the caring person that I was, was not going to let that happen. So we would make up, and I stayed. This happened every single time I tried to leave. I was trapped for five years, thinking that I was helping him.

He was paranoid that I was into other men. He had the nerve to question my best guy friend, my “older brother,” if he had slept with me. He asked this of all of my friends. Talk about creepy.

Side note: When I met him, I was very overweight and self-conscious about myself. My health was failing so I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery.

This man HATED that I had surgery. I told him it was for my health. He continuously told me “you’re perfect the way you are,” and “please don’t change what you look like.” I had the surgery anyway. He resented me for it until the day we broke up. He was so scared that I would leave him if I lost the weight.

He hit me one time. That should have been my cue to run.

After five years of misery, I finally got the strength to leave. Of course, he threatened me with suicide, but this time I didn’t give in. I ran, and I ran fast. I set myself free, and I never saw him again.

Ladies, if you are in a situation like this, or if you know someone in a situation like this, run. Just run. It’s not worth the pain and sadness. I suffered for five years, and I was scared to leave. It almost cost me my relationship with my family and friends. Now, I’m with a man who truly loves me and doesn’t treat me like a trophy. He actually does protect me, and is there for me whenever I need him. He actually saved me. You deserve the same. Look to your friends and family for help. There’s always a better way to live life and find love.

breakups
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