I look out of my window. It's beautiful, watching the sun pass through and find its way to my face and making me feel so warm. I close eyes to absorb all of it. I stare at the blue sky that seems in unison with the bright red and brown leaves of the trees that seem to be marking the start of Autumn. I sip my coffee, taking long pauses before my next sip, pauses long enough to allow me to savor the moment but short enough to not drink cold coffee. How I hated cold coffee.
After a few moments, just like every day since, I realize I miss summer. I miss the same but warmer feeling I get every time I sit here and feel the sun on my face. It's much stronger and more evident. I grab for a seashell from the bowl I placed them in, they do smell a little I guess but as soon as I bring it to my ear and hear the sounds of the ocean coursing through my body, nothing else matters. The sounds make me remember, remember my past, the good times, the bad ones, but most importantly they make me remember him. How I love him so much. I close my eyes and think back to a memory I have on speed dial for whenever I'm not happy and what to think about him. One of my favourite memories with him.
We are sitting on your beach towels, both of us not too bothered about getting actual beach chairs because we're both feeling too lazy to. I in my red monokini that he made me model for him when he saw me wearing it in the morning and started chanting those words
"Beautiful baby, absolutely gorgeous."
"You are so drop dead gorgeous."
He would continue with these words leaving me all flustered. How I love him when he gives me compliments. He pulls me closer to him and hugs me with such force, I feel like my lungs are going to give out, but somehow I love when he does this.
He gives me a slight peck on the lips and loosens his grip on me into a warm and comforting hug. He kisses my forehead muttering stuff like
"I love you so much my chocolate cosmos."
"You are my world."
"I'm so lucky to have you."
I huddle a little, wanting to be as close to him as I possibly can. He is my world, my love and my future. I can't see a world without him calling me his chocolate cosmos no matter how much I try. The very thought of it makes me feel weary, disorientated and sad.
Back to the beach, I try to focus, imagining while pressing the seashell so tightly to my ear. We are both eating berry popsicles, the ones I told him remind me of when I was young. I look at him, he looks at me, smiles and I smile back too. No words are said, it's like in this moment, there is nothing to say, we both know what we are feeling and no one wants to disrupt the peace that exists only between us. I honestly have never felt at peace like I do in this moment; maybe it is the six margaritas I had had already, maybe it is the sun that seems to have seeped into every part of my body absorbing all the energy I had in me or maybe it is him. Him in his most glorious light. Him smiling at me so much that his eyes wrinkle. Him with his light blue eyes that almost seem gray in the sun staring through me. Him with that perfect dark hair and light stubble. The thought of him feeling the same way I do at this moment. I have never felt more alive. We stay like this for what feels like mere minutes but were hours. I fall asleep, not even caring about the potential sunburn I was allowing myself to get. I do not move. I do not want to think. I just want to exist in this moment forever.
The sound of the ocean stops, interrupted. I am no longer at the beach. I am no longer looking at him. I am no longer feeling his warmth against mine. I am no longer looking at the ocean or his eyes that reminded me of it. I am now sitting here. I can no longer feel the sun on my face. The sun is no longer seeping through my window. The coffee mug lies empty, with no trace of there ever being any coffee in it. The seashells smell again so much that I have to push the little bowl further away from me. I push it a little further and it falls to the ground, spilling out seashell everywhere. I am in this present moment and I am once again without him.