A Tattoo to Cover the Pain

My friends would always ask me “ Brittany why are you wearing a long sleeves its 80 out?” and my reply would always be “ Oh you know me always cold” and quickly change the conversation. Little did even my best of friends know that I was hiding a long history of abuse that they would never understand the depth of and that I would never admit to.

Cigarette burns on my fore arms, pinching bruises on my inner bicep, hand sized bruises up one side of my arm and down the other. Bite marks on my jaw, thighs and rib cage. Fist marks on my thighs, arms and sides. These were just some of the normal marks I spent 20 mins every morning learning how to cover. Eventually it was easier to make up stories for these marks instead of covering them up. This was like verbal make up in a sense. “Oh I fell or hit my arm on something” was a lot easier than having to explain that I was in an abusive relationship that I didn’t know how to leave. It wasn’t the fact I didn’t want to leave it was that I was fearful of the repercussions of leaving. Would he stalk me or burn down my house? Would he mess with m car and cause me to crash? Questions that ran through my head every time I attempted to leave.

On top of the fear of what he would do to me it was the constant fear that he would hurt himself and blame it on me. I would have to live with the unprecedented guilt of someone killing themselves because I left. I know that everyone says that people only say that to make you stay but no one will actually do it but I have bad luck and I would never be able to deal with that guilt.

It didn’t matter if I stayed or if I left, the abuse keeps getting worse. It started so innocent started with playfully pinching the back of my arm if I would playfully make fun of him and it turned into painfully pinching the back of my arm anytime I did something he didn’t like it. I would make him embarrassed or say something he didn’t approve of and he would make it known. He was terribly jealous of anyone who would like my post on facebook or if a guy/girl who would look at me too long at the grocery store.

This “man” never could hold a job, never had money, so everytime we did anything I would have to pay. It started off with him nicely asking me to buy something small at the gas station and quickly to him asking for me to get him a new video game. These were little things that didn’t cost to much that any girlfriend would be okay with buying. It turned into buying him a used gun at the pawn shop or getting him a run down car that was completely unsalvageable and somehow it was my fault when nothing I bought to fix it would work.

The higher the prices the more the abuse would happen. If you ever said you couldn’t afford something it was a huge fight that normally ended with you crying and him calling you every name in the book and a new battle scar for you to have to worry about covering up when he finally let you go home.

You can never say no to these type of people they make everything about them and somehow saying no because you cant afford something or just don’t want to means you don’t love them enough or your cheating on them.

I made the mistake of letting this person on my phone plan and of course they had to have the newest and most expensive plan and phone on the market. I thought since I bought the phone I should have every right to look through the phone if I wanted to and this person was talking to other women and then when confronted somehow it is your fault that this is all happening and if i never looked I would have never known so I should be mad at myself.

I knew this person for 10 years before dating him and never in my life did I think dating one of my longest friendships and best friends was going to cause emotional and physical damage I would have to carry with me for the rest of my life. Scars that can not be covered and tattoos that I got to cover up the tattoo holes in my arms. Flinching when anyone moves to quickly around you and the constant fear that anyone you date is cheating that everyone you will meet after them will be the same.

Never being able to trust someone is a baggage I carry to every family holiday, every date I have been on and its a bag I have now unfortunately handed to my boyfriend with the hopes he understands and will accept me and not be mad when I are question his love.