A Step Towards Trust

The first part was always scary, taking that plunge into the unknown. That’s what people feared the most wasn’t it? The unknown.

It has been two years since I sat down at a restaurant with a stranger, 24 months since I’d heard my name spoken on unfamiliar lips, and 730 days since my heart had been shattered like glass.

I didn’t like dating because with it, came the fear of getting hurt. And I was never good with that emotion. I always get too in my head about it and I replay everything over and over again and I can’t stop and it’s a never-ending cycle of fear, regret, and nerves.

I don’t know what compelled me to sit here, in this restaurant and agree to this date. Perhaps it was because I was tired of feeling lonely.

Lonely. Such a hollow word; like an echo in your mind, surrounded by nothing but black space. I have always been on my own, I was used to it, confident in it. But, even the confident get lonely sometimes. Even those who claim they don’t need someone still crave the touch of someone who loves them.

So I guess that’s why I’m here, in this foreign place, putting my heart on the line once more. Only, my emotions were getting the better of me. Fear was an ever-present companion I was more than familiar with. Funny, how I always thought fear and excitement went hand in hand, like interwoven yarn, stitched together to form something complicated and messy.

Although, I knew sitting here, it wasn’t excitement I was feeling, but fear. Fear of being judged, terror of being rejected, and the insecurity that came with giving someone parts of me only for them to stomp on the things I was unsure about with hateful feet.

Because that’s what people did: judge. They did it without conscious thought. I was doing it right now as my eyes grazed around the room, taking in the occupants; Her dress is so pretty. She has beautiful hair. That man’s hairline is odd. Who put on the perfume that is suffocating my throat?

Doesn’t matter what we do; we can’t help but judge people. It’s in our nature as human beings, which is why I never trusted anyone not to judge me.

“ Can I get you anything while you’re waiting?” the waitress asked me.

“ A bottle of Merlot,” I said, attempting to calm my delicate nerves with a bottle of wine. The waitress offered me a smile I didn’t meet before taking off back into the sea of people.

I wanted to get up and leave. I didn’t think I had it in me to stay seated here, waiting for my date to show up. I was twenty minutes early, which meant I had twenty minutes to change my mind and leave.

The waitress returned pouring me a glass and set the bottle on the table. “ Flag me down if you need anything else,” she said. I nodded, certain I wouldn’t. Picking up the glass, I pressed it to my lips and took a decent gulp of the bitter, red liquid. It poured down my throat, easing the fear just a little.

Taking a shaky breath I pulled out a piece of paper from my purse, the one my mom wrote for me when I was a young girl, in order to help me get through my fear of the world.

As I collected myself, I took a moment to read it:

For My Brave Daughter:

Sometimes the world can be scary and dark

And our personal trials can leave a deadly mark,

At times we may think the world is not fair

But what it is doing, is challenging us to dare,

Dare to think past the boundaries that hold us down

Threatening to tip us over causing us to drown,

But never should you fear that ever-present weight

Look to those you love, for then it will abate.

I thought about my mom and how she was the strongest person I knew, taking on the world with nothing but her words.

Words were powerful like that. Words had sway over a crowd, could bring a room to tears, and make even the blackest of hearts, slowly begin to thaw.

My mother’s words were my rock, a way for me to calm my shaking nerves and realize that fear was a normal emotion, and even if this date went horribly wrong, I would be able to go home and cry into my mother’s arms.

“ Looks like I’m not the only one who thought to get here early,” a voice said. My eyes drew towards the sound of it. Finding my date, I plastered a smile on my face as he sat down. Quickly hiding the paper in my purse, I entwined my fingers together, hoping to center myself and come off as confident.

“ I thought I’d go ahead and order us some wine,” I said. “ Helps calm the nerves.”

He smiled. “ Merlot, an excellent choice and also my favorite. And don’t worry, I was a little nervous too.”

The sheepish smile he gave me caused the fear in my chest to vanish, finding a calm wave washing over me. As we eased into conversation I wondered why I was even nervous.

My insecurities weren’t gone because nothing is ever that easy, but the stranger across from me had them too. I was certain everyone around us had them and were possibly just as nervous as I was about being judged by strangers who knew nothing about them. Sitting there, under the florescent light I thought, it was okay to be afraid, but letting that hinder my everyday life wasn’t a way to live and I had to trust that in the end, things would work out like they were supposed to.